Note to myself, new entry at top.
I’ve sleep from around 1h30 am till 9am. A good night of sleep would be 10h and I know I didn’t sleep well cause I moved a lot and my blanket are all around. I remember a little of my dream. Today, I walked after diner with my mom and did nothing after oh a public chat and the nice chat with that good friend. The public chat went well, the first time since I’m using the new chat. I may not end chat mod, but I really want to help people in here.
Today I feel like I don’t want to do anything. I almost went earlier to bed. But now it’s midnight minus 15 min and I’m not very tired. I think the good effect of seeing my gf is fading out. I’m, again, out of sexual desire, I barely can touch myself, I realise I actually almost feel nothing now. I’m just here, an empty bag. It doesn’t bother me since I feel nothing… or almost.
I’ve sleep 14h, but I don’t feel that much rested. I walked with my mother during the afternoon and I felt good all day long. I watched tv after supper, a friend called and I had a nice chatting with a good friend since before I started here journal. She helps me a lot and she underestimate herself. I hope one day she’ll see herself like she is really.
I went to sleep around midnight, it took around 1h or 1h30 min before I could fall asleep.
I woke up afraid. I don’t remember what I dreamed of, but know I remember I tried to touch myself all over my body and I stopped when I realised it was still too hard. My boxers are like a line I can’t cross. After a certain time, I kicked myself out of bed so I could start my day. Thx I’ve done it; the feeling went away. I had 2 toasts as a breakfast and a coffee.
After diner, I had a haircut and I look younger than yesterday. I found training weights in our house, so I used it. It was different than regular exercises, but it remembered me old souvenirs. I like the feeling after a workout and I like the shake I have. It’s not like the other one. That one is due to pushing my limits.
Today there was a group chat on ‘’Self-Compassion & Forgiveness’’ and I thought it would be great if I’d join. I let a lot of place to others in these chats, because I think they need a lot more help than I do. I know I will continue to go forward. I never had a T. I’m still going forward even if sometimes, I have to admit, it’s hard. I joined it full of motivation and left at the end. I was, I am sad. I just want to cry and I don’t know why. Maybe I should of talk more of my own problems. I thought I had a problem if forgiveness. I just can’t forgive myself for now. It’s easier to forgive him than myself. Maybe because I have a high perspective of myself. I know I’m good, I know I have a great memories, I good at all I want to do. Maybe I ain’t the best, but I seriously don’t care.
A lot of people have low self esteem, some have voices that say bad things on them.
I have the opposite problem, I have high esteem of myself, that’s why I can’t understand I let that happen for that long. I knew I didn’t like it; I knew it was hurting me and it took years for me to make it stop. I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t going well during a few months I would cry all night long to make it stop one day… A month or 2 before my 18 yo anniversary.
I just want to cry. I just realise before forgiving my self I need to accept I wouldn’t probably be able to change how it went and I could not take any other decision. It’s just so hard to release the anger. Even more when I have a flashback and I totally lose control over things I loved. I have enough of shaking that much. It feel like I was so scared, like if it was so cold... It bothers me.
I’ve sleep for long hours and I felt was more rested than the last days/weeks. I took a good coffee, we cleared e-documents we had forgot to do for the bank to send docs to the layer for the land. I lunched, I helped my mother to move boxes of tiles and I made a wrong move. I didn’t bend my knees enough so I hurt myself. I felt a very big pain when I bend, and I dropped a few inches. I don’t know if I’ll train today, it hurt.
I noticed I have no more sexual desire. I only have some with her.. How, I don't know.
TRIGGER WARNING, Descriptions
This morning, I went to my gf home to pick her and to go to the bank to sign documents. It went well and we went back to her home where we lunched. We hugged and I was shaking, she noticed. After, we made 2 cappuccinos together and we cuddled. It was the first time in 5 weeks. Then we went a little farther and it went wrong. I had no sexual desire for a few weeks and I was with her, it as different. I told her it could be hard cause I tried to touch myself and my body denied my own touch...
Normally, it would have been sweet, but not this time. I thought, after almost 9 years and let say 8y of going well that my body was mine and I had full control over it. But it looks like I'm back to our first time, but I'd say it was worst... A part of me wanted it and another was afraid and disgust. Plus, physically I had some pains they disappeared when I left. What's wrong... I was shaking even more like very much like even my teeth were knocking. She was touching me and when she'd do chills on me, I would have a big uncontrollable rejection reaction. I no more like them even from her. If I'd be too passionate, I would start to shake even more. It wasn't a good experience; I was saying sorry almost every 2mins. Or she'd say sorry for being use of doing chills. I had a moment where I was calm and could... But after a moment I started to shake and she told me a few times I could stop whenever I'd like. At a moment I stopped and told her she was right. Sometimes during it, I would look away and she would bring me back. I'm so lucky to have her understanding me and taking her time. If she didn't know, I don't know how I would have explained her why I wasn't able anymore.
That's how s*x became one of my 2 favorite things to something, for the moment, I somehow dislike. I loved to do, more than others, this and driving a car with a Manuel transmission.
My gf told me at the end that she doesn’t want I to keep bad memories of it. I don't know why I waited that long to stop even if I was no more comfortable. Maybe I hoped it could pass and I would enjoy like before.
Today, I waked up during night and with my alarm clock, because I had an appointment with the bank. It well and took half the time. I tried to practice trumpet, but I as offset in my sound. I was getting grumpy so I said maybe this evening and same result… It’ll go to tomorrow. After, I went to do my jogging. It took 25min and I gave all I had to give. The feeling after is ahhh thank you my dear brain to produce endorphin. It relaxes me and send my on a nice little cloud. A good day, I needed it. I hope it’s a new start. If it just lasts a day, well. It better than nothing.
Yesterday during night, I had a chat with a friend and it helped to sleep better and it helped me to relax. I was feeling light at the end. She gave some tricks because I don’t know how my gf will react to some new things. She’s very supportive, but I was afraid. She’s intelligent, helpful and kind. I slept again on the ground, but today (22nd), I’ll try to sleep in my bed.
I went to sleep pretty early but after around 5 hours of ‘’sleep’’ I was waking up and now I’m here, I’ve done a weird dream or I might say a nightmare where I was bullied. It remembers me old unpleasant souvenirs. When I woke up, I opened my eyes like if I was already awake… I woke up at 4am….. I’m so tired, I’ll go for a round 2
When I went to sleep, it was like yesterday, Fixing the dark and nervous at sleeping. I feel like I’m prepared and waiting for something to happen. But this time almost no memories and no flashback. It’s now been a few days I’ve realise I have no more sex drive (libido), I’m a little afraid of it. It never happened before. I’m tired... My gf is afraid of how I am and asked to let her alone again in 2 days. She knows it almost happened long ago, just before she was my lovely half. I had the knife in the kitchen aiming myself, but something didn’t let me end this. Looks like a part of myself didn’t want to die. I afraid to make my family sad and how awful it would have been for my mother to find me in a blood bath. I won’t let her alone. I a little afraid to see her and to feel no sexual will. A lot of times, when we see each other after a long time it ends… but I’m afraid to tell her I feel nothing at the moment. That I feel nothing for her nor for anyone else. I don’t want her to be worried about me even if I never been like that, I never not slept for that long, I was very sad at night, not afraid and nervous…
It finally took 3 rounds to have around 7h30min. I went on the floor to try to sleep better… Because when I lay on my bed on my side like I usually sleep, it remembers when something was happening and I keep focusing. It's like if my mind was waiting for something to happen. So, in going down, it still remembers me something, but I put a box in font of my face so well, nothing could be there and it relaxed me just enough to sleep for round 2-3. I feel bad, tired, triggered, ashamed, anxious, scared. It's just getting worst. The only good thing I don't have any headache.
Today, I played trumpet I was fully relaxed finally. I was in my bubble, in my paradise. I thought I could sleep... At the moment I closed my eyes, I was getting nervous. To relaxed, I' trained and took a bath after. I felt so safe I almost felt asleep. I'm so fucked up these days. I can't continue like that for the rest of the time I'm here, but I don't know hat to do. I told my mother about the police car in the path I was walking she told me you shouldn't go there. I said it's legal and what could happen there ? I understand what she's saying, it could be dangerous. But it looks like I don't care even if I should and I want to go there at night it's like a need...
Since I have no more sex desire, it's weird. I tried to touch my body like just to do some chills all over my body but I do a repulsive reaction. It's not pleasant at all. Like when my gf and I tried it for the first time. I'm no more comfortable with that type of touch anymore. It's like if I was going back, but with new side effects.
I feel like I'm totally losing control over my own body. I sleep less and less, I have to sleep on the ground with a box in front of me, I'm almost always anxious, scared, I'm no more comfortable with chills, memories are back, I have no more sex desire, patience is low since I don't sleep much or sleep but feels like I didn't. I'm ashamed, I feel guilty of just letting the ''one last time'' continued for so many times, I just can't forgive myself, never.
He was saying ''it's just a game'' and ''it'll stay between us'', I just want it to stop…
Slept for what ? I don’t remember but I think it’s like 9h and a half, but I felt like my brain doesn’t sleep. When I go to sleep, I fixed the dark and it can last long time and when I close my eyes, my heart beat accelerate and I get nervous. It’s like if I was afraid of sleeping. I had memories wile fixing… I lost my patience wile playing trumpet both times, but I was able to calm down the 2nd time.
Wile I was walking I dark path in a mix of forest and plain, a car went on it with a huge led spot, I went on the side and it was just a cop. He totally scared me. He stopped and said you are walking ? I said yes and he continued. I've extended my walk in the street of the suburb after to relax a little...
Last night wasn’t what I was expecting. Well, I did get in bed at the time I wanted after a short trumpet practice. But it took an hour to fall asleep. I had those memories/flashbacks. I even remembered new things I’ve forgotten a long time ago. So, it took me about an hour to be able to relax enough to close sleep a few hours. I was awake just before 7am. I thought I’d sleep for like 10 hours or 10 hours and 30 minutes. I’m now exhausted and cannot sleep anymore. Last night I was distressed, afraid, sad, not safe, I was shaking, my headache came back, it was just a long nightmare. It took myself an hour to calm down. Now, it’s too early and I feel sick, sad. I don’t know why, but I can’t cry. It’s like if I couldn’t release some pressure.
Trigger warning --) details Flashback/memories
When I go to sleep, I normally fall at sleep on my left side. But it’s facing his home. He’s not exactly the neighbor of my neighbor. There is my neighbor, a street that forms a T with our and his house is facing our street. It’s like if the wall of my bedroom would no longer be there nor my neighbor's house. I'd just be sucked in his house and see what happened in there. From the beginning to the end. It happened there for so many times. Multiple times a week for a long time. It went progressively from my 5-6 yo to my 17 when I made it stopped.
Most of my memories are when we were in his wardrobe and I was sucking him and I remember the taste and the smell because it wasn’t clean. Well, it was after… Sometimes he would push on my head and it would hit my throat and would miss air and I’d have to push back to breath. There’s another one he almost came in my mouth; he was saying don’t worry I’ll tell you. There was a weird contraction so I removed my head and it went on the wall… and I’ve cleaned it... Another one that comes a lot, we would play a videogame, ask me to do something for him and he would use this to touch me and to unclothe me. Then, he would want to do a ‘’69’’. Though, I was sucking he would just a little and I would do the hour of it. At the end, I was managing to be facing the tv so it would at least change my mind. I remember the feeling after having my mouth wide open for a long time, it was hurting my jaws. He hasn't the smaller one... I remember me coming back feeling dirty even after cleaning myself multiple times. There are other things I don’t want to type. Maybe another day I’ll be more comfortable.
I see them a little differently each time because it happened too many times. I know I was saying no multiple times sometimes, but this it’s not in there. I feel so disgusted of myself how could I do this and why the $%?&* I'd clean his mess... I think I'm going to be sick because of it, but I ate nothing since 8pm...
I can’t get out of my bedroom because I shake too much, I hope it’ll stop, I just don’t want to explain it to my parents again. I’m tied, I need sleep, but I can’t. I thought it would be a nice sunny weekend home but it is turning into hell. The worst is I've mostly forgive him, but I can't forgive myself.
Rest of the day:
Even if I didn’t sleep much, I had a good day when I calmed myself. Parents said I looked a little nervous, but I’ve managed to dodge. My patience was shorter when I practiced music, but I've managed it. I went to the mail, I cleaned the pool and I practice Trumpet songs, I try to remember the music sheet I don’t have with me and I practice long sounds, this relaxed me for a moment. This evening, around 9pm I went for a run/walk cause I had to relax… I cried on a park bench out of sight beside a road for bicycle and for walking people. It’s in the dark, far from the look… Perfect for me to cry in peace. I’m back and I just wonder if I’ll ssleep tonight. I took a decaf coffee before sleeping.
I've sleep around 8 hours, I've trained my back. I've practice trumpet and I've supper. I almost lost a good friend, she missed understood something and I've practice trumpet. She (my trumpet) was sounding so well. I'm getting better, I'm happy about that and I took news of my good friend and and we reconciled. I took a coffee and I line up to go to sleep, hoping for a nice night of sleep, like yesterday would be great.
Last night, I prayed Wishes to thank her for her support. I don’t know why but I almost forgot her. I read a message I sent to Winter where I was saying I just heard the news a few years ago. But I didn’t remember the news, so I wrote a pm to a good friend, Field8, she explained me what happened. I don’t understand why I don’t remember… I think that I shouldn’t have asked her, its maid her cry and if I knew, I’d prefer never know than the make her remember her lost friend.
Yesterday, I had a big headache… Been a few days it’s there. The light was hurting my eyes and I started to feel my heart beat so I decided to go to bed earlier than the earlier I was aiming. I took 2 ibuprofens and I went to sleep. So, I went to sleep around 11pm and I woke up at 11h45 this morning. I as still tired, but lot better. I’ve diner some soup and my mother realised I was abnormally shaking. She was looking at the soup getting out of the spoon. So, I told her oh that’s my normal shaking (I normally shake more than average but doctor says it’s still normal). Sorry for this little lie, but I didn’t want questions. I didn’t notice this morning since it was lot less than the two days before. After I took coffee and I was at rabbit speed. The headache was back around 2pm.
I’ve cleaned my library and my room and I’ve workout today. The feeling was good. After supper I did a jogging and I walked in the forest. I was a little stressed but nothing happened and the place have changed in the few years I haven’t been around. A branch almost ended in my eye that is still ok just at like 6’ from the road. I’ve got lucky on that one. I don’t to damage that eye since other one received a little piece of metal which has needed a doctor to remove it and I’ve lost a bit of my perfect vision on that one. So, my left eye compensates and glasses wouldn’t change anything.
So, it’s been a good day and I think I’ll play trumpet with a mute to not wake up everyone before going to sleep. Maybe I’ll dream of playing my trumpet in a big band like I was doing it 9 or 10 years ago. Now that I think about it, the headache left after workout.
I’m back at parents’ home for five weeks now. I haven’t seen my girl friend since almost a month and it’s hard. She’s my super hero. She helped to get out of this manipulated life to satisfy his pulsion and his needs. It’s been 8 years and 9 months that we are together and without her it’s harder when I have downs. I sleep better when I know she’s near me. It’s like if nothing bad could happen to me.
Until about a week from now, it was almost like if I never been… But since a few days, I feel myself sinking in the darkness. I have this headache that leave when I take pills for my head but that is back the next day. When I joined AS, I could take 2-3 bottles to control my headaches per year. Now, it’s around one bottle. That one doesn’t want to leave and it get stronger and I start to feel my heartbeats in my head. It’s perfectly timed with my down… I think it's the fact that I'm here and their are plenty of memories/trigger for me in here. What made it start, that's a question I'd like to answer. Maybe because I saw him a few times. Who knows.
The 14th, I had a flashback when I went to sleep. Yesterday, I waked up shaking like a dead leaf, but I had no flashback before sleeping last night.
Today, I waked up weak and shaking like a dead leaf again. I was tired even after 8-9 hours of sleep. I had no motivation so I drag my feet to the bath and I’ve lay in it for a long moment. I’ve finally pushed myself to clean and to get out to do my day. I’ve diner after it and I’ve chat with Samantha. She’s very supportive and is a great friend. The kind I’d like to have irl. Because I don’t want my gf to handle it all alone, I look for other support. I don’t want to worry her. Knowing I should get better soon.
My mother and I went outside and we walked for about an hour. After, I took my car for a 5 minutes drive since we are confined so I wont end with a dead battery or other surprises.
When I was back, I listen to a little of music and after I tried to play trumpet. But I couldn’t cause I was too triggered and I could not focus on my music sheets or even on doing the good notes. So, I took a nap. I almost felt at sleep, but my alarm rang. It was almost supper time. I was no more shaking and I was more relax with my head less in pain.
After supper, I’ve played trumpet and a friend called for advice so I gave him. A good friend suggested I could do a blog like a journal since it’s my gf’s laptop and I don’t want to let the logs in here. At least the new pass protection is better than in the old time. Years ago (I feel old buy saying this), it was easy to bypass. Thank you for the suggestion.