Hi guys, just a little blog post.
With what's going on, I've been increasingly finding it difficult to keep up a face that isn't damaged by the relationship rape I went through. (I hate saying that word, it's getting difficult for me to believe myself anymore).
I've told my sibling, but when I did, she just didn't really respond well, which is understandable because it doesn't sound believable. I don't think she understands how people can remember a few years down the line. So I don't want to make her remember or get angry at me. It always ends with her kind of being frustrated that it's all in the past and I should move on. This could be all my interpretation, as I have dissociation issues and I'm often unable to distinguish what has been said and what hasn't.
I'm afraid of telling my Dad. Him being a previously widowed single parent who raised me alone from 12, he's had a lot on his plate and still does. When I was with my ex, he constantly told me to break up with him, as he wasn't a great partner and was a jobless twat after school. I feel that if I ever tell him, he'll develop a vendetta, become more protective of me, coax me into taking police action, etc. Which I don't want to happen. But I feel I need to tell him something at some point.
It's getting difficult to not cry at the moment. I'm finding it difficult to cope, cooped up with my family and them not knowing what's happened to me. Denial is also taking me over, since I've been off from work, away from my boyfriend, and with people who don't understand the extent of my mental health issues. I think posting on AS has also sky rocketed my denial, as I'm unsure as to weather putting it on paper (or screen, as it were) is good for me. I know it is, but the denial is making it difficult to believe what's happened. Everything is so blurred and I just can't get to the bottom of things. Therapy can't come soon enough...
I had results back from NHS funded VitaMind, and I scored 14 for PHQ9 low mood, and 19 for GAD7 anxiety. This means I've got probable severe anxiety. I'm awaiting trauma therapy because of what I've told them about how things are haunting me. I'm nervous and I know that this will raise questions in my house as to why I'm going through trauma therapy. I've thought about lying and saying it's mostly about seeing my Mum deceased on her bedroom floor or something, but that's a smaller problem in comparison to this ordeal I've had to face.
If you're reading this, hi! Thank you for hearing my voice Sipping a coffee if anyone would like to join me