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Coping-19 (See what I did there?)

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newhorizons

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Hi guys, just a little blog post.

With what's going on, I've been increasingly finding it difficult to keep up a face that isn't damaged by the relationship rape I went through. (I hate saying that word, it's getting difficult for me to believe myself anymore).

I've told my sibling, but when I did, she just didn't really respond well, which is understandable because it doesn't sound believable. I don't think she understands how people can remember a few years down the line. So I don't want to make her remember or get angry at me. It always ends with her kind of being frustrated that it's all in the past and I should move on. This could be all my interpretation, as I have dissociation issues and I'm often unable to distinguish what has been said and what hasn't.

I'm afraid of telling my Dad. Him being a previously widowed single parent who raised me alone from 12, he's had a lot on his plate and still does. When I was with my ex, he constantly told me to break up with him, as he wasn't a great partner and was a jobless twat after school. I feel that if I ever tell him, he'll develop a vendetta, become more protective of me, coax me into taking police action, etc. Which I don't want to happen. But I feel I need to tell him something at some point.

It's getting difficult to not cry at the moment. I'm finding it difficult to cope, cooped up with my family and them not knowing what's happened to me. Denial is also taking me over, since I've been off from work, away from my boyfriend, and with people who don't understand the extent of my mental health issues. I think posting on AS has also sky rocketed my denial, as I'm unsure as to weather putting it on paper (or screen, as it were) is good for me. I know it is, but the denial is making it difficult to believe what's happened. Everything is so blurred and I just can't get to the bottom of things. Therapy can't come soon enough...

I had results back from NHS funded VitaMind, and I scored 14 for PHQ9 low mood, and 19 for GAD7 anxiety. This means I've got probable severe anxiety. I'm awaiting trauma therapy because of what I've told them about how things are haunting me. I'm nervous and I know that this will raise questions in my house as to why I'm going through trauma therapy. I've thought about lying and saying it's mostly about seeing my Mum deceased on her bedroom floor or something, but that's a smaller problem in comparison to this ordeal I've had to face.

If you're reading this, hi! Thank you for hearing my voice ❤️ Sipping a coffee if anyone would like to join me ❤️ 

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Hi @newhorizons Im sorry for all you have been through and for the difficulties that isolation with your family is making to your recovery. I hope your therapy referral does not take too long to come through. Im glad you found the strength and voice to write your post. Keep reaching out!

I would love to join you for a coffee 😊 😊 thank you. B

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Pro tip, if you're trauma therapy goes anything like mine, they'll include your deceased mother anyway. I didn't think it was much of a problem or traumatizing, but we went through that as well as the abuse that brought me to therapy. If that does happen, you can tell you're family that you're discussing what happened with your mom at therapy and not be lying. However, this might make them start acting sympathetic towards you and trying to help with something you don't really need help with. Honestly, whatever you do in therapy is confidential and you can just tell your family there's been some things lately that are bugging you. If you're under 18 tho, I don't remember if therapists have to tell your parents if you admit to being abused. I know they're mandatory reporters so they have to tell someone. 

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Hi newhorizons,

New here and I found this place after listening to lady Gaga "Til it happens to you". I do understand how you feel not be able to tell people you love about what pain your going through and if you attempt too sometimes they don't respond in compassionate and understanding way. Hearing people say it's long over and move on is something for sure we would all love to just get over it, take it out in our system and move on . Apparently that is what we did and now we are suffering from it by not be able to trust anyone, being afraid of judgement and feeling like a burden to the people that we want to share it and help us. You are not alone and I look forward for us to find happiness and be able to live in this world.

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