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Memories Taking Over

NiqBel03

Entry posted by NiqBel03 ·

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So I’ve been a member on here for quite some time. I’ve never had the courage to post anything of my own. Now I’m in desperate need of support and very ashamed to ask for it.

I have lived alone for a while now. At work, I’m usually surrounded by the love and laughter of people all day. When I come home, I’m too exhausted to even think, but in the best way possible. I feel full. With everything going on in the world, I am working from home. Alone. And that is a bad combination.

Now that my distractions are gone, the thoughts and memories are creeping their way back in. My anxiety is heightened and everything startles me. From the smallest creak in the floor boards to a loud noise for the tv. I’m already in fight mode. However if it’s quiet, it’s just as bad. 

I can be sitting, letting my mind wander, and burst out in tears thinking about what he did to me all those years ago. I am waking up screaming or in cold sweats with the memories of what he did. My dreams are so real and so vivid, I swear I can almost feel them. Relive them. I’m afraid to sleep, but I’m also afraid to be awake. I have tried all sorts of meditations, melatonin, yoga, exercise, etc. to help calm my nerves, but nothing seems to be helping. It’s always the same memory. The exact same time. Every single day.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not rested, I’m barely eating, and I have turned to alcohol to help me sleep through the night. Knowing this is wrong, it worries me. I have come too far to go backwards, but I’m afraid I’m already there.
 

I hate that it’s been almost 5 years and he still has power over me. I’m so angry and I’m so sad. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid. And I hate that. 

3 Comments

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BrightSide

Sitting with you @NiqBel03, if you like? Im sorry for your traumas that brought you here but im glad your reaching out. I can relate to your extremely sensory and overwhelming nightmares and flashbacks. 

I am sorry that isolation has taken away your supportive network that is very difficult. Keep reaching by phone or online to people you trust and us here. Hold onto knowing this wont be forever. Be kind to yourself. B

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marcyabadeer

@NiqBel03 I am so sorry for all the pain you are dealing with. Everything is definitely heightened during this pandemic and isolation.

Also, welcome to After Silence. It is heartbreaking that you have a reason to be here, but we are so glad you found us. You are not alone in this.

Thank you for reaching out here, that is a huge step :)

sitting with you if okay?

 

sam 🖤

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Shefloats

I am so sorry for your pain and the abuse you’ve been through!  I can definitely relate to spooking at every sound and always being in fight or flight, so you aren’t alone in that. Please know that we all care about you and hope you can find the healing and peace that you deserve. You aren’t the only one dealing with this and I hope you won’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself grace. Just remember everything ends. Soon enough we’ll all be out of isolation and you’ll be back in the atmosphere you were used to. Just try it keep that in perspective. Until then, keep posting on here if it helps. Maybe it will do you good to vent. If not, that’s ok. Maybe try journaling. We are here to support you. Sending you peace and calm. 

Shefloats  

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