All last night I had the same dream, over and over.
The man who abused me as a child suddenly got charged (by another one of his victims) and was going to trial and I was called to testify before an entire room full of people. One of the jury memebers was someone I knew.
The judge kept asking me for details. The whole room was silent, listening to me and I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even look up. I was so ashamed. I didn’t know how to tell them I had no evidence//that I couldn’t even remember.
The judge wanted to know what he did and for how long. I knew what he did and sometimes during the dream (I had it repeatedly) I would be able to nod my head yes or no when asked these questions, but mostly I was just frozen. I had someone sitting next to me. I don’t know who. I couldn’t see his face, but he was a comforting presence to me. I would bury my head in his arm and when I could speak, I would mumble and he would repeat it louder for me.
I felt so small. So small and helpless and stupid. I felt like an exhibit at the zoo with everyone watching me.
I couldn’t tell them because I didn’t know and I felt like I didn’t belong there. Even if I did know how are you supposed to admit to these terrible things?