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Someone say I’m not crazy


Shefloats

904 views

I don’t expect anyone to read this. 

About two years ago I realized I didn’t make it up. 

The feeling can all at once and it was overwhelming. Terrifying. Horrifying. I was filthy, dirty, disgusting, used goods and completely ALONE. I couldn’t cope so I pushed it back down, but I couldn’t make it stop. It was always there. Dull-fever pain. You can live with it, but it makes your life miserable.

Back and forth. It resurges and I push it down. I get triggered and I ignore it, or I trigger myself and sit with the pain for hours. I had a box in my mind. A maybe-rape box. A box that I told myself I made up. 

I joined AfterSilence yesterday and read some of the forums. I read stuff from 2004 and 2006. At times I gasped alone and jerked up in shock at how exactly I could relate. These people feel what I feel. I know they do. I know they do.

 

I got some courage and texted a hotline. The lady told me it probably didn’t happen and now I am questioning everything I had learned to accept. Two years of trying to make peace with it and now I don’t know what to believe. 

Am I going crazy? Am I doing this to myself? Why would anyone do this to themselves? This is tourtue. I hate it. I would never choose this. Someone make it stop. 

 

14 Comments


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I’m sorry you’ve been hurting so deeply. I won’t pretend to know everything but I will say this. I have quite a few friends that have had vastly differing experiences with hotlines. They are there to help through crisis, refer resources etc. However they are not the end all be all authority.  I feel like they were out of line. Trust your gut, I don’t think you’re crazy. 
:supportu:
 

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@Shefloats hello and welcome to after silence. You are NOT crazy. Our minds can be tricky. Burying things that are so traumatic that they come back in fragments at random times.
Maybe something you heard, smelled, saw brought a fragment of a memory back to you in those moments that added to your “rape box”. I hope I’m making sense :( but this has happened to me. I am currently still adding to my own box in my mind... memories are flooding back to me. I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. Our brains don’t just make traumatic scenarios out of nothing. Your pain is valid. You are valid. You matter.

if you would like to chat or vent I am here for you 

 

sam🖤

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Welcome @Shefloats im sorry for what you have been through and for what your feeling and experiencing now. Memories of truama are often not clear or repressed to help you cope and survive. You may find things come back to you in time, it can be helpful to work on this in the safety of therapy. Know that we all believe and support you here. Be kind to yourself. B

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10 hours ago, Lovelylady said:

I’m sorry you’ve been hurting so deeply. I won’t pretend to know everything but I will say this. I have quite a few friends that have had vastly differing experiences with hotlines. They are there to help through crisis, refer resources etc. However they are not the end all be all authority.  I feel like they were out of line. Trust your gut, I don’t think you’re crazy. 
:supportu:
 

Thank you. I just don’t trust myself anymore. I mean this lady was supposed to be a professional. I feel like I don’t belong here. Like I don’t have a right. I’m a fraud. What if nothing happened to me after all? Then what’s all this pain been for? Why have I been like this my entire life? I know it might sound horrible but I am so jealous of people who can remember. Then at least I’d know something. Right now all I have is a million red flags from my childhood and a horrible sickness that drags me down. I have a right to know what happened to me. I want to know. I’m sorry for ranting. Maybe when I feel more comfortable I will write a post explaining why my mother and I think something happened. 

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2 hours ago, BrightSide said:

Welcome @Shefloats im sorry for what you have been through and for what your feeling and experiencing now. Memories of truama are often not clear or repressed to help you cope and survive. You may find things come back to you in time, it can be helpful to work on this in the safety of therapy. Know that we all believe and support you here. Be kind to yourself. B

Thank you but I don’t know how you can believe me when I don’t even believe myself 

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9 hours ago, samantha2009 said:

@Shefloats hello and welcome to after silence. You are NOT crazy. Our minds can be tricky. Burying things that are so traumatic that they come back in fragments at random times.
Maybe something you heard, smelled, saw brought a fragment of a memory back to you in those moments that added to your “rape box”. I hope I’m making sense :( but this has happened to me. I am currently still adding to my own box in my mind... memories are flooding back to me. I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone. Our brains don’t just make traumatic scenarios out of nothing. Your pain is valid. You are valid. You matter.

if you would like to chat or vent I am here for you 

 

sam🖤

I do have some songs that trigger me. I block them out so completely that when they aren’t playing I won’t remember their names, tunes and sometimes will forget they exist altogether. But then as soon as one comes on I will completely panic. Like FREAK out! I get so uneasy and sick. I feel like the world is ending. I’d rather jump out a moving car then listen to another second of it. And these were the songs that were popular when I was 3-7. (When I think the abuse happened) is that what you mean by triggers adding to your “rape box” or am I misunderstanding? Just to be clear I have no memories with the songs. 

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@ShefloatsHi, I'm new here, too. I think we have a lot in common, and I saw you posted on my intro, too. The feelings you describe are so familiar--the questioning, wondering if you're just creating it in your mind, being angry that you can't remember, feeling like a fraud. I wish I could tell you how to start trusting yourself, because I haven't gotten there, either, but I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I'm sorry that someone made you doubt yourself again. Even if the memories aren't clear to you, your pain is real. 

If you would like to talk more, I'm here for you.

 

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6 minutes ago, Chelsea30 said:

@ShefloatsHi, I'm new here, too. I think we have a lot in common, and I saw you posted on my intro, too. The feelings you describe are so familiar--the questioning, wondering if you're just creating it in your mind, being angry that you can't remember, feeling like a fraud. I wish I could tell you how to start trusting yourself, because I haven't gotten there, either, but I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I'm sorry that someone made you doubt yourself again. Even if the memories aren't clear to you, your pain is real. 

If you would like to talk more, I'm here for you.

 

You have no idea how much this comment means to me. Thank you so much. It’s just good to hear someone else in the same situation. I just tell myself that all this pain had to come from somewhere. You can’t make these feelings up you know? And there’s really no other explanation for all these red flags in my childhood. Or maybe there is another explanation and i just don’t see it idk. The lady on the hotline seemed to see another explanation. She said for sure something happened but it could have been this or that or the other thing // but that’s not what my gut has been telling me all this time. I’m so sorry for ranting but my mind is overflowing. I can’t push it down anymore. You know?  

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20 minutes ago, Shefloats said:

I do have some songs that trigger me. I block them out so completely that when they aren’t playing I won’t remember their names, tunes and sometimes will forget they exist altogether. But then as soon as one comes on I will completely panic. Like FREAK out! I get so uneasy and sick. I feel like the world is ending. I’d rather jump out a moving car then listen to another second of it. And these were the songs that were popular when I was 3-7. (When I think the abuse happened) is that what you mean by triggers adding to your “rape box” or am I misunderstanding? Just to be clear I have no memories with the songs. 

Oh I definitely understand  you there ! I believe we can be triggered by a lot of things around us without even realizing it, especially when our memories are buried. I am still recovering memories myself because of this very thing! When we bury things so deeply, there can be small things (songs, an object, a sound, a smell, etc) that can take us back to those memories without us entirely remembering them . And that can be a very scary thing to deal with. Have you tried writing out the sensations/ memories/ thoughts that come to you in those moments? I would suggest trying to do so if you think you can handle that? 
I personally have and I’ve made some breakthroughs with memories I only had pieces to.

take gentle care of yourself 

 

sam🖤

Edited by samantha2009
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12 minutes ago, Shefloats said:

You have no idea how much this comment means to me. Thank you so much. It’s just good to hear someone else in the same situation. I just tell myself that all this pain had to come from somewhere. You can’t make these feelings up you know? And there’s really no other explanation for all these red flags in my childhood. Or maybe there is another explanation and i just don’t see it idk. The lady on the hotline seemed to see another explanation. She said for sure something happened but it could have been this or that or the other thing // but that’s not what my gut has been telling me all this time. I’m so sorry for ranting but my mind is overflowing. I can’t push it down anymore. You know?  

Your post means a lot to me, too. It's such a relief to know other people are experiencing this, too. 

I know what you mean by your mind overflowing, and I don't think you're ranting. All this started a few weeks ago for me, and I keep going over everything in my mind, trying put it together, trying to find explanations. It's just a completely desperate search for answers, and the war within my mind is exhausting. Every time I start to believe myself, I argue back. It looks like you're doing a lot of that, too, and I'm sorry you're going through that. That, in itself, is painful.

But you're so right, you can't make this up, and even if you could make this up, why put yourself through so much pain? I don't have experience with hotlines, but that woman doesn't know what you experienced, and it seems so wrong to tell you one way or another. 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Shefloats said:

Thank you but I don’t know how you can believe me when I don’t even believe myself 

Because, my own memories have come back in drabs over nearly 30 years and because survivors here report those same bodily triggers and fear with lack in memory that validate our reexperiencing. And because your pain has roots and I can sit with you in that even if you do not know its origin. Sending peaceful and positive vibes to you. B

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1 hour ago, Shefloats said:

Thank you. I just don’t trust myself anymore. I mean this lady was supposed to be a professional. I feel like I don’t belong here. Like I don’t have a right. I’m a fraud. What if nothing happened to me after all? Then what’s all this pain been for? Why have I been like this my entire life? I know it might sound horrible but I am so jealous of people who can remember. Then at least I’d know something. Right now all I have is a million red flags from my childhood and a horrible sickness that drags me down. I have a right to know what happened to me. I want to know. I’m sorry for ranting. Maybe when I feel more comfortable I will write a post explaining why my mother and I think something happened. 

I’m pretty new here but have been a part of online groups for well over 10 years and let me say I have heard many with similar experiences. I’m sorry she watered the seeds of doubt for you. That wasn’t her place. 
It doesn’t sound horrible it sounds like you are hurting and are wanting to get to the source.  
Sometimes our minds protect us from truths that we are not ready to process yet. It’s frustrating for sure. Especially when you can’t place the feelings with some concrete facts. 
Feel free to rant away here or my inbox is open. You can share as little or as much as you want. Sending my support 

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42 minutes ago, BrightSide said:

Because, my own memories have come back in drabs over nearly 30 years and because survivors here report those same bodily triggers and fear with lack in memory that validate our reexperiencing. And because your pain has roots and I can sit with you in that even if you do not know its origin. Sending peaceful and positive vibes to you. B

Thank you for the support!! 

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She floats

I'm am sorry for everything I experienced 

When I told my therapist that I didn't believe the abuse really happened. She usually responded in 1 of 2 ways.

She would ask me why I would make up the abuse? How would I even come up with some of the really bazaar stuff? Why did I gain by making up the abuse? 

Or

She would say: No you're not crazy the abuse really happened. Crazy is a lot easier than dealing with the abuse, but  you're not crazy.

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