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11-“sometimes you gotta close the door to open a window"


marcyabadeer

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GRAPHIC


I have decided to write about the individual experiences I have had with other questionable situations I was in. Some of these things have really been bothering me and I hope giving them an actual written outlet besides a snippet of "oh, this happened too but it's not a big deal" because it is really bothering me lately. I think it had been overshadowed by my more violent trauma. My head is spinning with self blame, shame, grief. I just wish I could have realized things and spoke up for myself more.

Some of these things I wrote a little about in previous entries but I just feel like I haven't allowed myself to really deal with them or accept them entirely as what they were. I guess I just considered them "awkward situations" instead of "sexual harassment" or uncomfortable sexual encounters instead of "sexual assault/rape". So I will just go in order of when they happened in my life:

 

-When I was 12, I saw my first erect penis. I was in the back of math class and a student  next to me said "hey, look" and he had his hard penis out! We were in the back of class, but I know a fellow student saw it happen! His eyes were wide in shock. I told my mom and she was horrified. She told the school and when the principal asked me about it, I told him what happened. He said "you do know it's your word against his?" and I don't remember ever speaking about it again.

-My second job was a grocery store where I met a creep. I immediately friend zoned him because it was obvious he wanted to have sex and he was very crude and gross about it. When he realized I was not going to sleep with him, he told everyone at work we indeed had sex AT work. Do all sleazy men have the same fantasies?? I am not sure anyone believed him though which was a relief.

This same guy during work hours brought me a "poem" he wrote about me. It was titled "c*nt" which he then looked down at my body part. And the "poem" was in this format:

      C is for c*nt

      U (I cannot remember what he wrote for this one)

      N (or this one)

      The calls are coming from inside your house

I used to have a picture of this poem but it was like 5 phones ago :(

He also made a horrible joke around coworkers once: he said to a friend/coworker of ours as we were all stocking the toilet paper aisle "wouldn't it be hilarious if we kidnapped her and took turns with her and then just left her on the side of the road?hahahahahahahahahahaahah" The other guy just kind of looked at him in shock but laughed uncomfortably. I remember being horrified and leaving to go stock somewhere else; mainly because it was extremely triggering and also I had slept with the other guy and it made me feel sick that maybe they were talking about it behind my back or something and maybe he was mad I didn't sleep with him. I don't remember the reactions of the others around or if they even heard what transpired. I remember feeling like I was nothing at all. People weren't seeing "me". They were seeing something they hated and wanted to dominate and take advantage of. I didn't understand why this is how people wanted to treat me!

 

-I knew a guy from school (not high school, but we had a lot of mutual friends in high school) we ended up meeting up for a mutual understanding of a one night stand basically (NJ). While we were hanging, he got a phone call from a friend, of course being DR of all people (we weren't really friends at the time, hadn't talked to him since high school) and I cringed when NJ told DR we were hanging out. I had friend zoned him since the beginning of us knowing each other so he asked "(my name) who?" and then NJ fucking told him it was me and we exchanged the cringiest of hellos. Anyways, this guy and I just drank, smoked, watched a movie. We both started taking our clothes off at the same time, this was what we were getting together for. He gave me a massage and seemed kind. He had a huge penis which made me want to abort mission and run when I first saw it but I conitnued going along with it. We had sex that first time. He was gentle so I felt ok with him. After sex randomly he asked me if I had "ever been pissed on?" I, of course, looked at him concerned and said "no, I wouldn't want that." So we left it at that. We continued watching that movie "Superbad" and then he asked "will you get a shower with me?" I kind of wanted to wash the sweat off anyways so I agreed. Thinking about this now though, I wonder if he pissed on me in the shower? Why else ask me if I was ever pissed on?? Plus he got so turned on after he washed my hair. He probably pissed on me then. I just have a gut feeling. He just kind of seemed rabid horny. I just sort of had this epiphany not long ago. We ended up having sex again in the shower, which was also fine. After the shower we went and laid down in bed and continued watching tv. He kept putting his hard penis on me and eventually asked me to give him oral, I didn't want to. Mainly because he had a large penis and I really didn't feel comfortable. Well, he kept pushing my head down and telling me "just put your mouth on it" "come on, just put it in your mouth" and I guess I gave in and did what he wanted, but made it clear I didn't want him to finish in my mouth. He ended up finishing in my mouth! I fucking jumped up and ran to the bathroom to the sink... What a fucking asshole. I felt so betrayed. Then I thought I was stupid, what did I even expect? Blamed myself for being in that situation. I didn't have my car so I felt trapped there. So I laid down and we went to sleep, kind of. Through the night he kept touching me and putting himself on me, but I pretended to be asleep hoping he wouldn't go any further. The next morning, he took me home. I was so relieved. When he asked me to get together with him again I think I made it clear when I told him I was on my period. Took a hiatus from sex for a minute after this also.

 

-When I look back on my friendship with DR, I feel foolish. I mean, I should have known he was going to want sex from me. I am a fool! But we were friends. He would get me weed when I wanted it. He would also get my favorite beer on the way to his house all the time. I felt safer with him than when I was alone. We did not start out having sex. Just hanging out and listening to music. I guess maybe that was what made me think I was ok from the sex part. But he started showing more signs of wanting to. I should have stopped hanging out with him then, but I didn't want to be alone. We had made out once. We were both tired, so it didn't really go anywhere. Another time he wanted to have sex, so I told him I was on my period. He kept trying to convince me to take my tampon out. Which I wouldn't. I guess it just kept progressing and I was stupid to think he wouldn't expect it eventually. He had done other things that should have been obvious red flags; sneaking into my house and laying with me and kissing me until I woke up. Taking my phone and reading things before handing it to me. Or just hiding it from me in general while I was with him. And other random things.

We were listening to ADHD by Kendrick Lamar; I will never not remember this night and this song, the smell of the incense, the feeling of the couch, everything...we were drinking and had smoked some weed. He started kissing me and we were making out. He kept trying to take my clothes off and I told him I didn't want to have sex. I didn’t want a penis in me. He was large.. I could feel it. It was triggering initially. I said stuff like "Stop, I don't want to. Not tonight DR. Wait." He kept saying "Please? Come on." I pushed his hands away a few times even, I tried everything I could think in those moments. He wasn't violent or loud. Just very coercive. He was pulling my underwear and shorts to the side saying "Just let me finger you at least" and he just started to do it. I remember tensing, he thought I liked it because of that. So he continued doing more and pulling at my shorts and underwear until they were off. He was opening a condom and then he started doing what he wanted. Music was still playing and I can remember the chorus to the song but I don't remember the exact words or who it was. I just laid there. Looking at all of his hats he had set up on a table like a psycho. His Bob Marley poster. I felt defeated. He told me to change positions I think or something because next thing I remember is being on my stomach. I was just glad to not have to see him doing it anymore. I asked if I could shower. So I did, which he ended up bombarding me in there to shower too. He washed my hair. We fell asleep on that couch together after this.

I went back for his company over and over again. Knowing he wanted to have sex. I never really did want to at first but my morbid curiosity led me to it. It was better than being alone I guess. Or being vulnerable to even worse situations. Mostly. He did other uncomfortable things. Things I went along with because I didn't know how to say "no". He recorded me on his phone once while I was giving him oral. It was triggering, but I didn't even say anything! :( There were times we would be watching tv and he would be touching me and out of nowhere he would just stand in front of me on the couch, pull his penis out and put it in my face and just tell me to "suck it". I just did whatever. And I found that I kind of liked it. I couldn’t get enough of him and the bossing around and things until he started getting too odd and controlling. I'm not sure why I liked that with him- maybe because although it may have been rude he was still really gentle with me. Idk. I am probably insane.

There was a time he didn't use a condom and I only found out because we changed positions. I felt betrayed and horrified. I wanted to stop, so he agreed to use a condom. But this wasn't the last time he tried to trick me! I found out another time he didn't use a condom as I was changing positions and it was right at the moment he was pulling me down onto him and he said "just ride me". It was like I had a switch that just turned off when he said that because I just did what he told me to do. I told him to tell me when he was almost there so I could get up, but he just grabbed my hips and finished inside me. I wasn't on birth control. He knew that too! We didn't talk for a little because I was offended :( Then we did talk again because I am a fool. It was around his birthday and it was the last time I saw him. This time I had my car. We were smoking and we started kissing. He pulled my shirt down and said "your boobs are bigger" and he seemed really excited by it because he started doing things to them. I actually panicked because it crossed my mind the last time we had sex he didn't use a condom. I know he never was the kind to ever want to have kids. But his reaction made me feel weird and I wanted out. I don't even remember how far we got, if we had sex or not, I have no memory of what happened next. I just remember I left and I felt good leaving. So I ghosted him. Never answered his calls or anything after this. 

I never allowed myself to think of the initial trauma over the last 10 years let alone thinking about these situations being wrong. I wonder if there are other women out there realizing these same things about these same people. I am sad. And mad. Honestly, heartbroken. This isolation isn't helping me with thinking about it all, almost nonstop. Kind of obsessing over it.

 

 

Edited by marcyabadeer

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This post is very relatable. It wasn't until the sexual assault that lead me here that made me realize some things about my own past. I now know the guy that fingered me when I was 17 sexually assaulted me. I can count on one hand the number of people I've had sex with, however, it also made me realize how many times I've done other things that I never wanted to do. I've been coerced and manipulated into performing sexual acts. It makes me sick. It makes me feel dirty, ashamed, and used. Consent should be the number 1 topic in sex ed and taught over and over and over. 

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@GreenBayGirl I am so sorry you are dealing with these realizations as well! It is so numbing... incredibly hard to grapple with. Sitting with you and here to talk if you want :)

sam🖤

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