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Brain Dumps

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This year has really just sucked. This week in particular has really just dumped it on. We are in the US and I know we are one of the last ones to implement changes to combat this virus, but they announced yesterday that our schools will be closed until at least April 14th. This is fine, but our jobs still exist so it's a fun little game we are playing trying to organize everything. It's necessary, I agree with the restrictions and they should probably be tighter, but it's very stressful. It feels like we are living in a dream.

I also had a mammogram last week, a follow up from one I had 6 months ago to check on a suspicious spot. They told me it was still rated as suspicious and that I would need to come back again in 6 months. I have a strong family history of breast cancer so that's the concern. Honestly I also have a lot of dense tissue and I'm not that overly worried about the lump. However, my GYN, who is very old school and has to be talked into early screenings typically, called today and wants to refer to a breast surgeon for a second opinion since the scan was iffy both times. They have already called and made the appt for me and I have no idea if I should even go to this during this shut down time. I logically am still not overly worried about the spot but that was a lot easier to say when I had 6 months until it was something to be anxious over again. I'm worried now that I'm wrong, that the second opinion with the high risk experts will lead to something else, and then I'll be dealing with this. In addition, today one of my friends who has been battling metastatic breast cancer for almost 2 years, checked into hospice. 

This year started out with my aunt's funeral. I was sick that day, which turned into bronchitis, then pneumonia with multiple hospital trips and concern/tests for pulmonary embolism, and two months later I'm still struggling with after affects. During those two months my kids each had strep a week apart, my son got a virus which also lead to pneumonia, my husband and I both got poison ivy and required steroids and I'm still on them now which is 1000% not helping my anxiety, and my daughter currently has a stomach virus. This year has just really sucked from the beginning. I am so insanely anxious. I feel myself on a verge of a meltdown and can't really stop it. I typically go to therapy while my kids are at school so that's on hold for the most part now as well so...that's helpful. 

Fuck 2020. That's all. Stay safe out there.


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