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memory of a memory

It has been a long few weeks of intrusive, random memories coming back to me that I for some reason never put a lot of thought into back then or blocked from my mind for whatever reason. Plus the pieces of memories I have that don't have a beginning or an end to their story and it only makes it more confusing and uncomfortable. Just need to jot them down as I remember to make sense of my thoughts so it doesn't become too hectic in my head :(

I think some of this is coming from DS watching sequisha. Never really saw him before and I guess seeing him and how he resembles him made me sick! Plus the video game rage and guitar playing just took me back there for a minute!!!! I had to run to the bathroom and hyperventilate a little. Now I guess things are flooding back some.

I remember inappropriate things he did as a teacher in high school:

-Talking about how he had a large di*k (wtf. everyone laughed, nobody cared)

-Talking about sex games he played in college.

-Talking about masturbation; both male and female.

-Joking about his bass guitar playing being like playing with a clit.

-Letting us watch Dane Cook standup (it was funny in some parts) but I remember feeling uncomfortable when the joke was about female masturbation and how it was like being a disc jockey, which we knew he was.

-He always wanted us to open up about our problems, like trying hard to get us to talk to him on a personal level or help us one on one with projects. Like one instance during lunch, I was working on homework and he asked me if I needed help, to which I said "no" but he kept trying to get me to let him help me. But I didn't need help so I said no. I wonder what he would have done if I said yes...

-He told us he had insane insomnia and barely slept at night.

- He also told us he would black out/ pass out sometimes and had done that since he was a kid.

-R trying really hard to get me to join their school band "mr. m said he wants me to ask you to sing!" We had done homework together a few times and we would listen to music and I sang I guess and I do remember her saying I had a nice voice; which she must have told him about. Sick.

-He gave me the history award at the end of the year and there was actually no reason for it at all. It made R kind of jealous and mad I guess and I think it was easier for her to pull away from me that following year...she never understood why she wouldn't have been given the award because she was his "favorite student" and yea I didn't get it at all either and still don't get why.

-I remember apologizing on behalf of my boyfriend N my senior year (before the rape, obviously). I felt like I had to apologize for how N kept making uncomfortable jokes and things. He looked at me like "you should be sorry" Like everything HAD been my fault. I don't know why I felt I needed to do this. I don't remember exactly what pushed me to do it. I mostly remember more about which room we were in in school, the giant windows that showed the traffic on the downtown street. And his look of pure disdain at me :(

Random fragments & recovered memories:

-After I was raped the first time when I was 17, I was torn. To the point that when I showered, if I touched down there to clean I would almost puke because it was just too painful. It was always a constant reminder of what he did to me. Remembering this detail makes me so sad because I wish I could have trusted to go to the cops and feel like I would be believed and protected.

-I remember shaking with fear "you look terrified" *smile* "I'm not going to hurt you. Just relax, you'll enjoy it if you don't tense up" 🤢

- I remember one single memory alone of being in a car, I was naked. I was was bleeding from somewhere down there. It all hurt, both my vagina and my bum. I don't remember when this was or what happened before or after.

-I remember being given a ton of water. I was always thirsty and I was always given a lot of water.

-I remember being really alert with certain memories. Fragments of others. Maybe some memories were more intense and memorable? I have no idea.

-I also remember not being able to talk sometimes. Physically unable to speak. I could make noises and try to talk but I couldn't move my mouth much or form words. He would want me to respond to him but I physically could not do it. It was like my jaw was wired shut or something.

-I remember wanting him to choke me more to kill me but he wouldn't, he just laughed "that's too easy"

-I remember one of the guys who used me had brown skin; light brown skin. He had a chest tattoo that said love on one side and pain on the other.

-I remember performing oral sex on him ^ while someone was having sex with me from behind. I had to stop because I couldn't breathe and he was decent about it. Let me catch my breath.

-Another memory I have with him is him ^ giving me water and another of him showering me, washing my hair. I don't know why he would have been doing that unless I couldn't do it myself or didn't want to. Which I can't imagine why I wouldn't want to unless I thought it would make me less desirable to have sex with.

-I do remember not shaving for a while and him making me shave. Told me he would do it if I didn't.

-I remember a time I broke down and told my mom about being raped when I was 17. It was a very stressful night and she and I were having a fight (like usual). She is a selfish narcissist. She always made me feel horrible about myself and choices I made; even though I honestly wasn't into anything too bad. She just has always not liked me, since I was a kid. So during one of these belittling fights, I broke down and it just blurted out of my mouth. To which she said "no, there's no way that happened. You didn't tell me until now? You're lying." My mom is a survivor of CSA and her own mother told her she didn't believe her which scarred her; so she did the same thing to me. She ended up randomly believing me, and since every once in a while she will ask me why I didn't tell her. Tell me she wants to kill him. My mom knows who did it. It really bothers her because she met him a few times for parent teacher conference and whatnot. She said he couldn't look her in the eye for very long.
-She then went on to be ratchet and told her work friends, who were all dramatic trouble starting bitches so not the most reliable people to have your business with. She also told my aunt and cousin, and her boyfriend. Which was extremely humiliating.

-I also told my grandma. Well I remember not being able to tell her so my boyfriend at the time N had to tell her while I waited in the basement and cried. She came down and just hugged me. Asked me if it was why I didn't like being dropped off to school early when I was younger. Yep! I never wanted to have a chance of being alone with him.

I don't know why I blocked out telling my grandma and mom. I actually feel really bizarre now knowing that they know who raped me. It makes me wonder if anyone would believe the rest of the things he did to me after the first rape. I mean looking back, there are many things that were done to try to reach out on my part, but nothing was ever actually done about it. Nobody believed me. And I will hold that scarring realization with me forever outside of After Silence.

-I remember when DS and I first met he wanted to get me to squirt; this was scary and I was paranoid he knew something or saw something about me; it was eerily specific and made me weary but I guess he knew nothing...


-DS telling me about the rumors from high school; how I would have sex in the student parking lot during school :(

-Maybe my rapist hated teen girls because they didn't give him attention in school (he mentioned he was picked on in school), so when I thwarted his obvious advances since I was attracted to girls more back then, maybe it triggered something inside of him and made him feel rage toward me. Because, I mean, he HATED me it felt like.

-I asked him why he hated me so much once, why he wanted to hurt me so badly. He just half smiled and wrinkled his brow, "I'm not hurting you?"

-I have a scar on my knuckle from his tooth; I don't remember if he bit me when I tried to hit him or if I actually hit him and his tooth cut my knuckle (so out of character for me).

-I remember a time I had made him angry, I don't remember why. But he pushed me, smacked me across the face. He turned me around and bent me over a table and started penetrating me anally. The table was digging into my rib cage and hips. He was just slamming me around. Pushing my head down on the table whenever I tried to sit up :(

-There were times when he finished, he would make me look him in his eyes. He would grab my face and squeeze "open your eyes, look at me" as he was shaking me back and forth making my jaw hurt.. So I would open my eyes, sometimes looking in his eyes and sometimes looking between his eyes (thank you Dwight Schrute). Then he would cum. He burned these moments into my head. The worst part is I have masturbated to these memories before. There is something wrong with me! Why would I want to get off to him?? I hate him!

-Room 114: He had his camera set up on a tripod. "You look warm. Take all your clothes off. Turn around. Get on the bed on all fours. Yea, like that." He comes over to me after doing something to his camera. He starts having sex with me. He pushed me down on my stomach, and that's when he made me squirt. He wouldn't stop. Making me do so much this specific time and I was so exhausted. I just wanted to lay down in the bed and close my eyes. But he kept going. He made me do all kinds of things. It was over and he gave me drugs, I drank some liquor and I passed out right next to him :(

-There were multiple times I had to lay down next to him out of pure exhaustion. He would stay with me and watch tv or other stuff. Sometimes I would wake up to find him asleep too. I felt fucking horrified. I wanted to get up and leave, but whenever I would move to get up, he would start to move and I would chicken out.

--One night when I was with him and DJ had called me a few times, he took my phone and threw it in the toilet and pissed on it.

-"Please, I don't want to do this!" he mocked me in a whining voice. So I stopped asking for anything and just did.

-I don't remember some of the violent parts, Except choking when I wasn't drugged. I think my brain blocked them out. But I will have phantom pains during panic attacks associated to memories I only have pieces and parts of :( not ready to write about those yet though.


-The first time I remember being made to have sex with someone I didn't know, I was absolutely horrified. I don't know if this is the first time because my memory was horrible then, but this memory I remember being scared. This is so hard for me to talk about still. Even though other things were horrifying as well, this was when I remember thinking for sure my life had to be over. I was going to be used by this person I didn't know and my initial rapist (we will just call him z) was finally going to kill me. These people were going to use me and throw me into the woods like garbage.I didn't know this person. He was white. I don't remember his face. Or his hair color. Or eyes. I just remember his smell. Sweaty. Spit from kissing me :( I HATE the smell of spit. OMG fucking hate it! I felt so grossed out being raped by z, but this was just so strange I didn't understand it! I didn't know what to think of anything going on. I don't really know how to put it into words. I felt betrayed by z. Even though, yea, all he did was betray me. But this was like a really huge "fuck you. I hate you. You are nothing." I didn't get why this was something he wanted to do to me. Maybe break me ?
^ He made me get on my hands and knees and he started having sex with me vaginally. I remember being so scared, trying to focus on breathing. I had no idea what to expect next. It all felt like a nightmare that just couldn't be real! I was fucking petrified. I went in and out. Don't remember most of this. I remember different positions, some choking with something he had (some kind of cloth), hair pulling, smacking. I tried to focus on my thoughts. I really tried to think positively. But bad things kept coming to my brain. "I am seriously dead soon. This is really happening. I hope it isn't too painful. Or too bloody." "Would anyone ever find me?" I was thinking of the fun my cousins and I had growing up. All the laughing. Family. Mourning that I would never be anything more than this. No love. No kids. I wondered if N would know who did it if I was ever found. Or did he forget about me? Probably... I don't remember when it was over or anything else.

-When I moved to Cali, someone burned my dads house down. Found out it was a guy I went to high school with. He was paid to do it and nobody really knows who paid him to do so because he is just a hoodrat who lives on the streets when he is out of jail.

-My car was also always being fucked with when I lived in Ohio. Weekly had to call work telling them I would be late because something was cut on my car, again. When I moved, it was stolen, cleaned out, abandoned, then repossessed.



Why is there so much? Does anyone else's recovered memories and post abuse realizations look this lengthy?? I am feeling stupid and pathetic about it all 💔


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@samantha2009 Read this after reading your response to me in the Share Your Story forum. I thought it interesting that you brought up journaling. I have a journal dedicated almost entirely to my abusive marriage (which I had to keep very hidden). I started it 5 months before my separation. It’s 245 pages long. And it doesn’t encompass more than a fraction of the abuse prior to that 5 month mark. If you’re stupid or pathetic for having so much to externally process, then so am I. I think we’re not. 💜 I’m so glad you have found places to be able to do this processing. Thank you for trusting and honoring us with these very vulnerable things. 

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@AnnikaR thank you for your encouraging words. I am so sorry you have so much pain :( sometimes when I write more details I just feel like “is this relevant? Who would/could even care about what I have to say?” I end up feeling foolish MYSELF for there being more instances..  I guess it’s self blame. Which I am really trying to work on. 
So, the support I get from anyone here just really means the absolute world to me. Thank you, again. 💜


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@samantha2009 Honestly, I feel like the more stuff that comes up, the more relevant everything becomes. It’s like a tapestry, and the more threads there are, the more complex the overall picture is, and the more there is to see and unravel and untangle. None of this is simple! I get where you’re coming from though, where I just see everyone else differently than I see myself. Or, I assume that’s where you’re at, because you give me and others here so much validation but seem to struggle to give it to yourself 😔. All of it matters, and I’m sure I am not the only person on here who appreciates your willingness to share your experiences with us. Thank you for your bravery and trust. 

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I do feel like the more I remember, the more the puzzle starts to actually come together and look more like an actual picture :( 

i know I struggle with self hatred and it’s hard for me not to see myself in such horrible ways. And I don’t really know if that’s because Of the things I experienced or if it’s my own negative thoughts about myself for whatever reasons (many, honestly) I do wish I could work on seeing myself in a better light. I think that was the one thing I wanted to work on this year actually, but it’s been tough. 

Again, thank you so much for your support


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@samantha2009 I really feel that with myself too, that the picture just starts to really come together... I hate that you're feeling so much self-hatred. One thing I feel pretty certain on is that your experiences absolutely would have shaped that for you, not just you having negative thoughts or doing something to cause it. They come from somewhere, even if we don't fully understand all the many sources, including what happened in high school, that have probably had a cumulative effect over your life. It's a brutal thing to work through. I know for me, when I make progress in seeing myself in a better way, this other part of me just kicks in hard core and beats the shit out of me. Like how stupid I must have been to think I was okay. How I keep screwing everything up. Makes progress hard 😅. But I'm learning that that terrible part of me is part of that picture that's coming together... It's not our fault. We didn't choose this. We were not born this way, and we are not faulty. 💜

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I feel the same way! I could have a good day(s) and then out of nowhere the hatred comes and takes me 10 steps backward. 

11 hours ago, AnnikaR said:

But I'm learning that that terrible part of me is part of that picture that's coming together... It's not our fault. We didn't choose this. We were not born this way, and we are not faulty. 💜

Thank you for those words. I will have to remind myself of these things when those thoughts bombard me. I appreciate you @AnnikaR 💜

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I'm sorry these things happened. You deserve sooooo much better. What these people did was perverse. You are worth so much more than anything anyone can do to you. Their actions reflect their sickness, not who you are. Know that you're not alone and that I'm sitting with you- if that's alright. #bravesam

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