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It has been a long few weeks of intrusive, random memories coming back to me that I for some reason never put a lot of thought into back then or blocked from my mind for whatever reason. Plus the pieces of memories I have that don't have a beginning or an end to their story and it only makes it more confusing and uncomfortable. Just need to jot them down as I remember to make sense of my thoughts so it doesn't become too hectic in my head :(

I remember inappropriate things he did as a teacher in high school:

-Talking about how he had a large di*k (wtf. everyone laughed, nobody cared)

-Talking about sex games he played in college.

-Talking about masturbation; both male and female.

-He always wanted us to open up about our personal problems to him, like trying hard to get us to talk to him on a personal level or help us one on one with projects. Like one instance during lunch, I was working on homework and he asked me if I needed help, to which I said "no" but he kept trying to get me to let him help me. But I didn't need help so I said no. I wonder what he would have done if I said yes.

-"You don't eat lunch?" "No, I never do" "I was the same way when I was a teen" trying to relate to me or maybe he was serious and it was another thing he liked about me :(

-He told us he had insane insomnia and barely slept at night.

-He also told us he would black out/ pass out sometimes and had done that since he was a kid.

-R trying really hard to get me to join their school band "mr. m said he wants me to ask you to sing!"

-He gave me the history award at the end of the year and there was actually no reason for it at all. It made R kind of jealous and mad I guess and I think it was easier for her to pull away from me that following year...she never understood why she wouldn't have been given the award because she was his "favorite student" and yea I didn't get it at all either and still don't get why. "He only gave it to you because it would have looked bad if he gave it to me"

-I remember apologizing on behalf of my boyfriend N my senior year (before the rape, obviously). I felt like I had to apologize for how N kept making uncomfortable jokes and things. He looked at me like "you should be sorry" Like everything HAD been my fault. I don't know why I felt I needed to do this. I don't remember exactly what pushed me to do it. I mostly remember more about which room we were in in school, the giant windows that showed the traffic on the downtown street. And his look of pure disdain at me :(

-I remember running out of the office crying the day I was telling them he raped me. I saw people in the computer lab and I looked right at R and she looked at me as I was crying and looked concerned. I wish I could have screamed it then! HE RAPED ME . But I couldn’t. I am so weak

-After I was raped the first time when I was 17, I was in a lot of pain. It made me nauseous to shower and even touch down there. It was a horrible reminder- I remember I couldn't wait for the pain to just be gone so I didn’t have to think about it with every move.

-I remember N telling one of his "friends" about my life. He then turned around and talked to the person who abused me and the person who abused my bf and telling them things N was telling him in confidence...which was probably how word got back to the person who abused me about N's legal case and things of that sort.

-I remember one single memory alone of being in a car, I was naked. I was was bleeding from somewhere down there. It all hurt, both my vagina and my bum. I don't remember when this was or what happened before or after.

-I remember being given a ton of water. I was always thirsty and I was always given a lot of water.

-I remember being really alert with certain memories. Fragments of others. Maybe some memories were more intense and memorable? I have no idea.

-I also remember not being able to talk sometimes. Physically unable to speak. I could make noises and try to talk but I couldn't move my mouth much or form words. He would want me to respond to him but I physically could not do it. It was like my jaw was wired shut or something.

-I remember wanting him to choke me more to kill me but he wouldn't, he just laughed "that's no fun for me"

-I remember one of the guys who used me had brown skin; light brown skin. He had a chest tattoo that said love on one side and pain on the other.

-I do remember not shaving for a while and him making me shave. Told me he would do it if I didn't.

-I also remember how much he hated when I would get a tan or when I pierced my body or got my tattoo. He told me he would cut the tattoo off of me. It got to a point he would inspect me completely before we did things. It was so invasive! Him looking at every part of my body and telling ME what he didn’t want on my body. I felt like I didn’t exist. My body wasn’t mine

-My car was also always being fucked with when I lived in Ohio those years. Weekly had to call work telling them I would be late because something was cut on my car or damaged, again. When I moved, it went missing from my driveway, it was cleaned out, abandoned, then repossessed.

-When I moved to Cali, someone burned my dads house down. Found out it was a guy I went to high school with. He was paid to do it and nobody really knows who paid him to do it because he is evasive and jumps around from place to place.

-After the second attack, I remember waking up on the bed with urine on me. I was naked and I was sore and I remember just being elated I was in my room. But I was on the wrong bed so I knew that was off. I saw needle marks. My body was so sore. Everywhere. But I tried to tell myself no it was just a dream. Had to be. But dreams don’t leave physical marks. When I found my phone I guess I realized this was a real thing and I panicked. I remember falling to the floor and hurting myself even more. Screaming nasty things at myself. I hated myself. I was nothing. I couldn’t do anything. I was stuck. I wanted to die. But I didn’t want to die at my grandmas house and her find me there and I didn’t know what to do. So I showered. I crawled into my bed, hurting so much. I smoked and I went to sleep eventually. I remember waking panicking that entire night. What felt like every half hour. When I would wake up it felt like I was holding my breath in my sleep before being startled awake. I couldn’t cry though. I was numb. Just scared. Hated myself but couldn’t die at my grandmas and I could barely walk so I just laid in bed miserable, broken. Completely shattered. Ripped apart. Every inch of my body hurt.

-“Do you think anyone will want you now??” "You're just a dumb w**re"

-I couldn’t eat when I was with him- not that he didn’t let me but I physically couldn’t. Just things like apples and mandarins, everything else made me sick. It would get to points where I couldn’t perform the way he wanted me to- physically or the one thing he wanted me to do because I was dehydrated and he would get angry with me, keep me and make me do more things.

-There were times when he finished, he would make me look him in his eyes. He would grab my face and squeeze "open your eyes, look at me" as he was shaking me back and forth making my jaw hurt. So I would open my eyes, sometimes looking in his eyes and sometimes looking between his eyes (thank you Dwight Schrute). Then he would finish. He burned these moments into my head. The worst part is I have thought about these memories while having sex and sometimes it repulses me and other times it doesn’t. I am insane.

-There were multiple times I had to lay down next to him out of pure exhaustion. He would stay with me and do shit on his computer. Sometimes I would wake up to find him asleep too. I felt fucking horrified. But so tired. Tiredness always won.

-He would make me watch videos he made. that’s how I know he really did record things. I don’t know why he made me watch them. But I can remember feeling disconnected from what I was seeing. It all felt unreal. Still does when I think about it.

-He also let me use my phone when I was with him. Encouraged me to use it even. Sometimes I would “forget it” because if he was in a bad mood, he would smash or throw it in water. But usually he would let me text people back sometimes if I did have it. He always watched what I was writing, it had to be short and he would read before I sent it. “You can use your phone if you need to” but it was only allowed to be text messages and it had to be short and something he could read quickly and he watched me. But I think he needed people to think everything was normal I guess for the most part. Covering his tracks every which way.

-One night when I was with him and DR had called me a few times, he took my phone and threw it in the toilet and pissed on it.

-The first time I personally remember being made to have sex with someone I didn't know, I was absolutely horrified. I don't know if this is the first time because my memory was horrible then, but this memory I remember being scared. This is so hard for me to write about still. Even though other things were horrifying as well, this was when I remember thinking for sure my life had to be over. I was going to be used by this person I didn't know and he or the person who abused me was finally going to kill me. These people were going to use me and throw me into the woods like garbage. I didn't know this person. He was white. I don't remember his face. Or his hair color. Or eyes. I just remember his smell. Sweaty. Spit from kissing me :( I HATE the smell of spit. OMG fucking hate it! I felt so grossed out being raped by that other guy but this was just so strange I didn't understand it! I didn't know what to think of anything going on. I don't really know how to put it into words. I felt betrayed by my abuser. Even though, yea, all he did was betray me. But this was like a really huge "fuck you. I hate you. You are nothing." I didn't get why this was something he wanted to do to me. Maybe break me ?

-I can rememeber the light skinned guy with a lot of tattoos recording things sometimes. Camera in my face or near us. I am so ashamed!

Why is there so much? Does anyone else's recovered memories and post abuse realizations look this lengthy?? I am feeling stupid and pathetic about it all 💔



Edited by marcyabadeer


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@samantha2009 Read this after reading your response to me in the Share Your Story forum. I thought it interesting that you brought up journaling. I have a journal dedicated almost entirely to my abusive marriage (which I had to keep very hidden). I started it 5 months before my separation. It’s 245 pages long. And it doesn’t encompass more than a fraction of the abuse prior to that 5 month mark. If you’re stupid or pathetic for having so much to externally process, then so am I. I think we’re not. 💜 I’m so glad you have found places to be able to do this processing. Thank you for trusting and honoring us with these very vulnerable things. 

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@AnnikaR thank you for your encouraging words. I am so sorry you have so much pain :( sometimes when I write more details I just feel like “is this relevant? Who would/could even care about what I have to say?” I end up feeling foolish MYSELF for there being more instances..  I guess it’s self blame. Which I am really trying to work on. 
So, the support I get from anyone here just really means the absolute world to me. Thank you, again. 💜


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@samantha2009 Honestly, I feel like the more stuff that comes up, the more relevant everything becomes. It’s like a tapestry, and the more threads there are, the more complex the overall picture is, and the more there is to see and unravel and untangle. None of this is simple! I get where you’re coming from though, where I just see everyone else differently than I see myself. Or, I assume that’s where you’re at, because you give me and others here so much validation but seem to struggle to give it to yourself 😔. All of it matters, and I’m sure I am not the only person on here who appreciates your willingness to share your experiences with us. Thank you for your bravery and trust. 

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I do feel like the more I remember, the more the puzzle starts to actually come together and look more like an actual picture :( 

i know I struggle with self hatred and it’s hard for me not to see myself in such horrible ways. And I don’t really know if that’s because Of the things I experienced or if it’s my own negative thoughts about myself for whatever reasons (many, honestly) I do wish I could work on seeing myself in a better light. I think that was the one thing I wanted to work on this year actually, but it’s been tough. 

Again, thank you so much for your support


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@samantha2009 I really feel that with myself too, that the picture just starts to really come together... I hate that you're feeling so much self-hatred. One thing I feel pretty certain on is that your experiences absolutely would have shaped that for you, not just you having negative thoughts or doing something to cause it. They come from somewhere, even if we don't fully understand all the many sources, including what happened in high school, that have probably had a cumulative effect over your life. It's a brutal thing to work through. I know for me, when I make progress in seeing myself in a better way, this other part of me just kicks in hard core and beats the shit out of me. Like how stupid I must have been to think I was okay. How I keep screwing everything up. Makes progress hard 😅. But I'm learning that that terrible part of me is part of that picture that's coming together... It's not our fault. We didn't choose this. We were not born this way, and we are not faulty. 💜

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I feel the same way! I could have a good day(s) and then out of nowhere the hatred comes and takes me 10 steps backward. 

11 hours ago, AnnikaR said:

But I'm learning that that terrible part of me is part of that picture that's coming together... It's not our fault. We didn't choose this. We were not born this way, and we are not faulty. 💜

Thank you for those words. I will have to remind myself of these things when those thoughts bombard me. I appreciate you @AnnikaR 💜

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I'm sorry these things happened. You deserve sooooo much better. What these people did was perverse. You are worth so much more than anything anyone can do to you. Their actions reflect their sickness, not who you are. Know that you're not alone and that I'm sitting with you- if that's alright. #bravesam

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I'm very sorry to hear everything that happened to you. Trust me, you are not stupid nor pathetic. You are a lovely woman that is helping a lot of people in here. You are very present on AS, your words are well chosen and you do good things and you help people to feel good around you. You are smart, endearing, and kind. I'm sure you are a great person to have as a co-worker, a friend, a family member or a partner for the eternity. I know you don't feel like it now, but I hope and pray that one day, you'll see yourself as you are when you think of who you are. 

You are the light in the dark for many people that you cheer, help and support everyday. I just hope that life sun ray will touch you and than the storm over your head slowly removes to let the sun shine for the rest of your life. 


Take good care,




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@Goldeneye thank you so so much for your kind words! They mean so much to me :) 

i find it healing to be here and help others feel better. It’s amazing to be able to have a community like this to be able to relate to one another. 

thank you for taking the time to say such nice things to me. I appreciate you!



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