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7-like violence, you kill me



:sor:          :triggering2:


After I returned home from Vegas, I went straight to working and trying to stay as busy as I could so I didn't have time to think or be alone. It was 2012 and I was working on and off for a few different restaurants and sometimes I even worked two different restaurants a day; working double shifts just to try to stay as busy and surrounded by as many people as I could. I would even hang with friends from work as much as I could just so I didn't have to be alone after. I was always terrified and on edge. He had insinuated that he was going to make me do things with him again. So I waited for it like an idiot. I wasn't really sure what other option I had back then.

This was probably 3 or 4 months after the last incident-
After one of my double shifts, I had come home. It was probably close to midnight. I smoked some pot in my car, and when I was walking to the porch I was grabbed from behind. I ALWAYS checked my surroundings. I was always looking around to make sure I was safe, but it was like he was a ghost and just appeared. I had my mace always with the key ring around my finger like a ring, so I had a grip. But he kept shaking my hand though until it fell in the darkness. I couldn't see his face anyways then, not like I could've used it. He could have been hiding anywhere. It was dark outside, my guard was down and he was about to take control of me, again. And I knew this was coming. I was going to let him violate me again by not being careful enough. He told me it would happen and I was just waiting around I guess. I wonder how long he'd been watching me. I always felt watched, wasn't sure if I was paranoid or if he really was watching me sometimes.

He had his hand over my mouth and he was saying things to me in my ear. He was taunting me. Of course it crossed my mind that he was going to kill me that time. I didn't think, I just acted and I bit his hand just to try to fight back any small way. He ended up letting go of my mouth and I screamed for a second before he started choking me like in a choke hold and dragging me to my car. "I'm going to fucking kill you now" "Get in!" I don't remember what else happened until I woke up trying to move my hand that was zip tied apparently. I had a headache and woke up trying to grab at my forehead which was in pain. I couldn't move the hand I was trying to use to touch my head. So I ended up using my other hand, I had blood on my forehead, and then started trying to figure out why I couldn't move my hand. I saw the zip tie. Realizing I was somewhere in the back of my car and I was cold. I was completely naked. One wrist was tied with some plastic ties to the door handle. MY door handle. The door at my feet was open and when I looked out to see I saw him there, outside smoking. I remember saying no over and over. I was trying to rip my arm loose. He came at me, laying his body weight on me and he got in my ear and screamed "Scream!" He leaned into the front seat and grabbed something and put a pill in my mouth like before "swallow it" so I did. I didn't want to be a part of whatever this was as much as I couldn't be. So I took it. I had water in my car, which I grabbed with my free hand out of the seat flap. He was taking his pants down. He grabbed the water while I was drinking and it ended up spilling all over me. I was so cold. I was shaking. He started touching me all over. He made me sit up and give him oral. He was really violent and just sort of slammed me around. He performed oral on me. Eventually I began reacting. He wanted me to react this way for some reason. I was trying with everything I had to hide it at first. But I couldn't after a while. I didn't even feel like myself. I was "feeling" all of it without wanting to. He handed me his lighter and told me to melt the plastic tie on my hand; so I melted the ties with the lighter and he told me crudely to get on top. So I did. I just went into my head and the next thing I remember is feeling like I had to pee and it just happened. I don't know if I said I have to pee as it happened or before but I remember panicking once it was happening. It freaked me out when I remembered I was on him and I probably got it on him. When I looked at him I expected anger and violence but he seemed really excited. He told me to do it again. He moved my body where I was face down. It felt like it took forever and I thought he was going to kill me if I didn't somehow do it again. After this he became fixated on this weird thing. Only later did I learn what it even was (that it wasn't urine) and felt so betrayed by my own body. The lines of consent and pleasure and pain were all so blurred to me I actually didn't recognize rape for what it was other than the scenario of being kidnapped by a stranger at gunpoint.

After this, I was completely submissive to the person who abused me. He made it pretty clear that we were going to do his regularly. I gave up. If it felt good, I just allowed it to feel good because it was better than the alternative. "You'll try to forget but you never will." "I know your body so well"

^This and the other two situations are the ones etched into my mind, but I don't remember a lot of things. Just pieces of conversations, body memories caused by triggering sensations or words. Remembering feelings associated with random objects that I guess can be triggering sometimes. Certain words, sayings. Anything sexual really. Seeing sex or hearing it really triggers something inside me that fills me with shame and anger. I want to claw my skin off. Sometimes the person who abused me would play some of the videos he recorded and I would hear and see things that sound a lot like those things that trigger me. He would make me do things for his camera and sometimes when I see women doing things on camera I can just hear his voice saying "do this, do that" I just don't ever want to see or hear any of it. So I stick to cartoons or old sitcoms like Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I always feel like there is something drastically wrong with me, I am majorly defective. I can't watch most things with my husband without a freak out for no reason and I hate it about myself!

This "situation" with him- or whatever the fuck, where he used me sexually became a more regular thing. It was always basically the same as before, with less violence since I was compliant I guess. Drugs, sex. Making me do whatever thing he thought of. Mostly dominant, submissive where I was controlled completely and humiliated but he wanted me to enjoy the pleasure physically. That was his fantasy it seemed. He used my name. He made videos of things. He threatened to send it to people I knew and then they'd "know" I made "porn". There were other scenarios like this. I'm scared more memories will come that I am not ready for. He taunted me with telling me he put it online and tens of thousands of people saw me. "People are going to recognize you" "Nobody will want you now."
Did he really do those things? I don't know. He got something from it all. Whatever that was. The feeling of power and control? Living out his fantasies on me to show people? Or just re-watch later? I hate myself.

I lost some of my memory around this time. Chunks gone because I guess I would rather not remember (I wish I could forget those initial attacks, though. That'd be pretty dope). Things my mom and cousins told me about recently that I have no memories of. Not sure yet what that means, or what all I don't remember. That really has me chilled to my bone. I'm still scared of more memories coming back someday.

Anyways, I ended up losing most of my jobs around this time because I was a "no call, no show" and that was another tally on my worthlessness chart. I felt so fucking low. I remember lying in bed in the silence for hours, days. Just laying there staring into space. If it became too lonely, I would invite a friend or go sleep on my friends (DR) couch. I actually only could sleep while he was there. In my room or on his couch. In his basement bedroom in the dark, watching Kenan & Kel- that's one of my favorite memories. I would forget where I was sometimes and wake up in a panic but this was the only place I could really sleep. Especially if my friend fell asleep on the couch with me. Even though he ended up not being the most gentle person, some of these memories in this basement are still some of my favorite unfortunately.

I was broken. Ruined friendships. Close ones I had with people who meant a lot to me (K). I was just so out of it! I don't even remember how we fell apart completely. I just feel like one day we stopped talking.

I felt completely hopeless, trying to survive one moment to the next. For some reason my friend who was deployed (DS) still continued to email me around this time. He was one of the only people who truly saw me for me and made me feel like I was worth positive attention. When he would bring up more serious topics or try to get to know me on a deeper level though, I would pull away. I couldn't let him in. I didn't really think it could possibly go anywhere. He was so much better than me. I just figured he was lonely. Which I was too, and we could just talk through our sadness. So we did. I didn't open up to him about anything I was going through though. He could tell I would pull away a lot. He told me his last relationship was with someone who was in an abusive marriage prior to their relationship, and she pulled away from him completely. He didn't want me to feel like I needed to do that. He really liked me for some reason. So I only opened up a tiny bit telling him I was still healing from things I had experienced in my past and I didn't want to talk about it. I was extremely ashamed and never wanted him to know. He made me feel better about living at that moment though. He respected my space amazingly. Even through our emails. He just brought this up not long ago too "when we emailed, sometimes it was just one small sentence emails." Non-intrusive, just talking about random things. He was very persistent with keeping in touch though, which we usually did through email and sometimes the occasional phone call. It took me a while to allow that. He wanted to video chat, but I couldn't bring myself to do that. I didn't like the idea of it. Looking back, I wonder if any part of him wondered if I was catfishing him. It was easy to get away with not talking to him for extended periods of time because he was across the world and almost 12 hours difference. This gave me the space I felt I needed to keep my baggage to myself. That was comforting for me in so many ways. I didn't feel like I could truly get close to anyone back then. I was completely disconnected from myself.

I know my grandma thought I was having health issues and probably drug problems too. She always pushed me to take probiotics. She really wanted me to get help, but I just didn't know what to do. She tried to help me as much as she could though. Took me to the hospital when I needed it, and took me to get any medicine I needed for ulcers and things. I wasn't on hard drugs consistently though, myself. Only drug I managed to do on my own consistently was pot. Anything harder would kind of take me back to that feeling of being out of control of myself and I didn't like being taken back to that feeling unless I had to be. I dealt with ulcers and eating disorders. It was very difficult.

DS really wanted to meet me when he came home to visit family after his deployment, so he asked if he could when he comes home. That's when I panicked and stopped talking to him for a short amount of time. I just didn't know what to say to him. I was so ashamed. I didn't know what to expect or what he expected and I panicked. It was debilitating. We stopped talking for about 3 or 4 months. Which in this time, DR came into my life like a tornado wrecking more shit. 

So I spent my time working and trying everything to not be alone. I was always with my friend DR if I was out of the house, and he made me feel safer I guess. It got to the point where I didn't even drive anymore unless I had to. I always had someone take me places. I was fucking paralyzed with fear of being killed when my guard was down. Like I said before, I would sleep on this male friends cozy basement couch or even invite him to stay over just for company. I just wanted to feel safe sometimes. We were friends. We just smoked, sometimes a beer or two, watched nostalgic tv or listened to music. Looking back, I really trusted him. I am so stupid. I would go to work and leave him in my room sleeping. I was such a fool. He felt like good company. We laughed and jammed and watched movies. I wish I didn't have the good memories with him because I find myself missing this version of him. A lot lately... Even though I am happily married.

I do remember one instance DR told me he was being harassed by a weird account on facebook. The name was "Andy Herchoo" I was never able to physically see the account before it was deleted and he never showed me the message, but he told me whoever threatened him had told him to stop touching their "bit*h". He said I was the only person he was hanging out with at the time and at first I didn't believe him but then I thought about it a little. I guess I could believe it because we hung out a lot if he wasn't working around then. Plus I had a likely culprit. He seemed mad at ME because of the messages. "You need to tell whoever this is to stop. I don't like this weird shit." Yea, me neither! "Is it N?" and I told him no, so he just kept asking me who it was. Maybe he felt threatened, I don't know. I told him I didn't know who it was, but he wouldn't stop talking to me about it. So I stupidly thought being somewhat honest with him would help. I told him I was attacked in my past. To which, of course, he didn't believe it. "A lot of girls say they've been raped." I remember feeling so numb to that. He didn't know or ask anything and already dismissed it. Another reason to never open up! Why is it so hard to accept these things happen? Or is it just men who rape stick together and give each other the benefit of the doubt and blame the women? He had eggs thrown at his car and other random stuff. Who knows what was really happening.

He wanted me to hang out with him and his friends and I didn't want anyone to even know I was talking to him... He seemed kind of sad about that. He would also like grab my phone and read things before handing it to me. My friend told me she would get texts from him on my own phone saying "she is busy". Wtf. He seemed to be getting sort of controlling and attached which I think scared him because he was a very no strings attached kind of guy. So he started distancing from me some. Then after idk a few weeks, he started to come around again. He would sneak into my house and wake me up by kissing my face. I hung out with him because I didn't want to be alone... I am foolish. Maybe I deserved what happened with him.

I wasn't being sexually active much back then at this specific time because I just felt burnt out, but I could tell DR was getting to that point of wanting to even though we were just friends. Like him sneaking into my room and kissing me awake. No idea if he did more than that ever or anything. Then there was the instance at his house when he started kissing me while we were listening to music. I kept telling him I didn't want to have sex that night (we didn't have sex yet but we had made out before and other stuff...). But he kept touching me, making me say random variations of "no". "Not tonight" "Stop" "Leave my clothes alone" "Don't" He kept trying to convince me "Come on" "Please?" "Just let me finger you at least?!" Then he just pushed my underwear and shorts aside and started fingering me. Then he had sex with me.

I just gave in and accepted it after this though. I didn't care anymore. We started having regular sex. Did I want to? Not really. I thought it was what I wanted sometimes. But it really was just a way to self harm and I guess feel like someone wanted to spend time with me. I just didn't want to be alone. He seemed to really like it. So the more he liked, the more I wasn't alone. But he would do other things I didn't appreciate. Most of the time I didn't even say anything because I just didn't care about myself. I was just a vessel to be used each and every way. So I did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it which I am sure he enjoyed. See, he was nice most of the time and we had good times together too; but he was a sleaze bag. He wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. I guess my initial memories of him weren't very comfortable either. In high school he would grab me from behind all the time where my butt cheeks would rub against his di*k. Or he would pick me up after hugging me from behind, purposely putting his arms under my breasts and feeling me. I just find that invasive! It always did make me uncomfortable. The last time he ever did this to me was in front of the teacher who raped me oddly enough and he yelled at DR telling him to "never do that again" DR looked shocked for being called out and we just laughed it off and I teased him "yea, stay off of me!"

DR also started to get a little controlling as well while we were hanging out. He said some things during sex and wanted me to repeat things I didn't feel comfortable with. For example "Whose (vulgar word for vagina) is this? Tell me this is my ()". I remember specifically saying "No?" He would orally assault me constantly. I guess it’s considered oral rape. I never wanted to. He was large and I just never even liked giving oral to men. It made me feel so dirty. He recorded me once while I was doing it. Looking back. I think he recorded other things we did but I didn't have a voice and never said anything about it. This is why I struggle with him even being wrong for any of it.

I think he did like me though. He gave me massages. I even massaged him and I wouldn't have done that really for anyone. He would randomly say "I love you" and I remember I probably looked horrified so he said "you know, not 'love love', just love. You can say it back." I told him that he didn't and I wouldn't say it. He never said it again. He would also take my phone and put it away from me and if I received an alert he would read them first before handing it to me. Right in front of me. I think he noticed I was emailing DS (they were friends in high school) and I don't want to say he was jealous but he definitely seemed off about it. He would say things like "fuck him". And that was the start of me feeling like I did not want to talk to him anymore. I didn’t want another person in my life controlling me.

Other shit he did I didn't like: He tricked me by not using condoms. Sometimes I only found out by chance. Sometimes he would just blatantly not use one and there was one time I was "ok" with it, but I wasn't ok with him finishing in me, which is what he did. We ended up meeting up one last time in the late fall of 2012 and he told me that my boobs were bigger. I panicked in that moment and blocked out whatever ended up happening next. But I felt like he was insinuating I was pregnant and I was actually worried because in the moment he said that I remembered he didn't use a condom sometimes before then and I could have been pregnant. I know I left his house and then I never spoke to him again. I ignored his calls and texts. 



Edited by marcyabadeer


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