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After high school, I'd seen him several times in random places. I felt watched. I thought I was paranoid and felt like I must be out of my mind- so I started avoiding going out altogether to avoid feeling crazy. N got an apartment and I moved in with him. I never left the house. Took online college courses. I felt safe there because it was a basement apartment and I felt shut off and hidden from the world, which I liked (and still do sometimes!) I became very reclusive. I never left the house alone. Always looking behind me. Basically, I couldn't bare leaving the house in general for a period of time. I would say at least 6 months after school ended. I carried a mace and eventually a tazer everywhere. I didn't even work at first, I was so scared. All of these things N made me feel worthless about eventually. I mean just awful. He would call me horrible names and leave me feeling defective and crazy. He also invalidated my night terrors and said I was "faking them" or "over exaggerating." So from that point on, I trained myself to suffer in silence. Why would I want to fake something like that? I don't know. Maybe it is easy for people to think I am pathetic and unworthy of any kind of decency. Easy to use and use as a punching bag. Both physically and with their words/ treatment.

Honestly, as our relationship basically soured, N became more abusive to me. Both emotionally and physically. I only stayed with him because I truly felt bad for him and I just didn't really think of life beyond him.  I just hated myself and felt absolutely awful 100% of the time unless I was with my little brother.


Fast forward a little bit more, when N was dealing with some legal issues of his own, things were brought back up. I remember this conversation like it just happened. I was at my moms house and N came there to tell me the news. He sat down on the couch and told me he had something to tell me about his case. He told me how there was a witness who came forward to speak negatively on his character. Mind you, it had been over a year since the rape. But when he said his name, I completely shut down. Felt intimidated and watched all over again. N told me he would agree to the plea for the other side just so it didn't have to go to trial and have the possibility of witnesses (so I/we didn't have to see him) or however that sort of thing works legally. I don't know. I just know there ended up not being a trial. He told me he knew my abuser was only doing it to fuck personally with us. So I was thankful for that in my own way (that he at least understood that this guy WAS intending to torture us anyway he could); but I also felt responsible, yet again, for everything going to shit. It was so hard to deal with. Why was he doing this? To punish N too? To show me he was still there, always? That he would never let me/us seem reliable or valid?? Either way, I was shattered. I don't know if N deep down blamed me back then, but he pulled away from me. He had a lot of anger issues after this. It felt like he hated me all the time instead of most of the time. All I could do was blame myself. Everything WAS my fault. I've ruined it all. There was nothing N could do for his case because of this guy, and there was nothing we could do to fight him because of who he was and how many people supported him. With the person who abused me being the witness for the person who abused him- it just seemed impossible. We felt stuck. And around this time is the first time I found After Silence. It saved my life I think. I found connections there that would end up lasting a while (some I still talk to almost every day) and helping me through the roughest of times. I am forever grateful for that.

About six months after this botched case, N was working with a local paper to help with an article about our state's education system and how there was an issue with teachers resigning after inappropriate conduct. Then being hired easily back into neighboring districts; those districts didn't know of any misconduct because the info was/is sealed while it was being investigated. Of course his main motivation for this was because of my rapist ruining his case months before. Also, with him mentioning he resigned from a school before for a locker room incident. I never read this article when it was released; I didn't want to. N just told me that the guy who raped me had a bad temper and had been told to resign another time for losing his shit on students. I remember being horrified. Feeling betrayed that he was allowed to work in our school and take his rage out on me. Resigned from schools multiple times and was then allowed to be hired again. I actually felt like I didn't matter. I was heartbroken.

It ended up getting worse when people I knew from high school rallied together to release an article just days after this article about the man who raped me, saying how he was an amazing "teacher and mentor" and how the previous article "exaggerated his character in a negative light." It also said the situation with my ex best friend R was a "rumor" and that she exaggerated the relationship to her peers. (The person who wrote the letter to the paper was T, R's cousin oddly enough) Which was wrong; I saw the texts! People saw things. She didn't make any of it up. If it was just a fucking "rumor" then why did he end up resigning? There had to have been solid evidence of him misbehaving somewhere and I know I didn't have anything on him but my word nobody believed. This was what completely silenced me. I didn't think I could ever fight an entire school full of people who loved a teacher who was so obviously wrong. I ended up thinking I had to be wrong. That must have been why it was easier for him to harm me more and I just let it all happen.

N and I ended up parting ways after he got really violent with me. He had a lot of problems after I ruined his life. He began drinking more and abusing drugs, and he began to take his anger out on me. He told me he wanted to see other people and after leaving me for a short time, he said he wanted me back. I didn't want him back though. I didn't want anyone. So this was another violent episode that was extremely triggering. N knows it was and has since apologized (but I mean it was fucked up). In short, he came to my moms house and dragged me out by my throat to his car and made me sit in there with him while he was drunk and threatening me if I didn't take him back. At one point saying (after he just choked me mind you) "Stop looking so scared of me! I'm not him. I could take you to the backseat and rape you like him, but I wouldn't do that! So stop looking so scared of me!" I never really understood why he felt he needed to go there and say that. Maybe he was triggered that I looked horrified of him like he imagined I looked the day I was raped, which I know he thought about often. I tried to stay as strong as I could and speak reasonably to him. I really don't remember how I got back inside of my moms house. After all of this, I didn't feel like I could talk about my past ever again, so I vowed to try to act like it didn't happen. Which worked for a while.

I ended up becoming a little promiscuous. I lost my virginity to N right before the rape and never had consensual sex with anyone else. So after we broke up, I guess for some reason I decided to act out sexually. I had sex with multiple guys in a short amount of time. One of them for a while though. Not that it matters.



Edited by marcyabadeer


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