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4-graduation congratulation



:triggering2:      :sor:


MARCH 30, 2009
It was a dreary day. End of March my senior year. I decided I wanted to skip my morning classes this day because my boyfriend wasn't coming that morning anyways. We had our own building on this high school campus for this college program I was a part of. It was on the corner of campus, but sort of isolated from the other buildings, of course. I smoked some weed across the street where everyone smoked cigs before school. I was alone though. I remember walking around outside, calling N and he didn't answer. I wanted to skip that morning and go see him but instead I decided I would just go get some coffee and food or something if he didn't answer. Before I could even look up from my purse after putting my phone away, I felt someone close. I looked up and it was him. At first I froze because I just didn't know what he was doing outside, but my stomach turned. I couldn't even react. If there was even any time. He sniffed me and told me he needed me to come with him and I thought, well fuck I'm busted for the pinwheel joint I smoked moments before (fucking buzzkill). At least that's what came to my mind when I heard him sniff. I never thought anything more than that. I figured he wanted to punish me (as far as getting me into trouble with the principal or something normal) because my boyfriend always started fights with him and embarrassed him. I knew I was done for because joints make your hands stink and its hard to get the smell off you.

Well, he ended up taking me toward the main doors, which was on the way to the student parking lot. Only he kept going. Skipping the entrance. The doors I should have bolted for! He led me, grabbing my arm slightly. He said "Can we talk? I just want to talk." At that point, stupidly I thought "Oh ok. Maybe he doesn't want to get me into trouble" (Fucking dumb thought). I didn't even want to be at school to begin with, I just wanted to leave until my next college class later. This was probably second period at this point. So part of me didn't want to go in the school anyways, so I was sort of ok following him :( I hate me. I said "Talk about what??" Which I know I sounded like a smart ass which I could tell made him impatient with me. As we were heading away from the doors of the main building to the student parking area, he grabbed me pretty hard and walked faster. I naturally was starting to tense and try to pull away somewhat. I asked him what he was doing. He told me "Stop moving" and before I knew it he shoved me into the back of his car. I don't know why it was in student parking. But it was pretty much isolated. I don't know why I didn't run or scream. It really didn't cross my mind at that point that this could be anything violent or rape. Then I heard the doors lock and he was right next to me in the backseat.

It was a car this time not the truck he took me to before. I felt uneasy. First thing he said to me was "why do you look so confused? I thought this was what you wanted. You keep talking about it" and smiled at me. That smile gave me chills. Like there was pure evil in it. I didn't know what to expect because I guess I'm the most naive person, but I knew I didn't expect him to rape me. I was also young and never thought this kind of thing would ever happen to me. But after he smiled at me like that, my stomach jumped into my throat. It crossed my mind at that point that he wanted sex and I felt sick. Felt like I had to keep swallowing so the vomit wouldn't come. I at least thought he was going to pressure me again, I really didn't think it was going to be what it was. I looked at the floor and closed my eyes and then I said "what do you want to talk about??" He didn't say anything. Just grabbed my face and turned my head to where I was facing him. He came in to kiss me and I tried with everything I had to pull away. Going for the door handle and it was locked so it didn't open. He grabbed me and threw me against the seat and everything happened so fast. He kept trying to kiss me and I kept turning my head so he ended up kissing my face and neck. He was unzipping my coat and touching my body. He pulled my pants down and I was trying to pull them back up, desperately trying to keep myself covered. But he wouldn't let me, it just made him more forceful. I told him to get off of me. I couldn't believe I let him isolate me this way! I couldn't believe I was so stupid. He said "Why are you acting like this? You've been begging me to fuck you." I was trying to shove any part of him I could grab away from me and telling him I couldn't do this, he couldn't do this. "Sshhh, yes you can. Relax." he pulled my shirt down some. He leaned into me as he pulled my sweatpants, underwear and shoes completely off, just tearing it all off me. He made an "mmm" sound, it made me feel so gross! He leaned into me hard, he crushed me with his body weight and he took his pants down. He touched me with his hand and then put his fingers in me. Making awful comments. When he took his fingers out he put them in his mouth and told me I tasted "tart." He grabbed my hand and put it on his penis and asked me if I was ready for "that". I remember asking him not to again but I don't remember exactly what I said and it was probably a whisper at that point. I guess I realized he was actually for real going to have sex with me. I gave in mostly. He bent my leg and pushed it against the seat and threw my other leg to where it was hanging off the seat. I said “I don’t want to do this part” I asked him to not hurt me. He kept reassuring me and coercing me. He kept trying to kiss me which was making me want to puke. He was putting his body part against my body part. I told him I didn't want to do it. “Sssshhh just let me show you” He shoved it in me and I remember trying to say more "no's" but it was stuck, I couldn't. I was actually scared to scream. It hurt so I would tense and he would tell me it didn’t hurt that I needed to relax my body and "take it all in."

I thought N was going to hate me for cheating on him. He was going to think I was gross. I felt so exposed and vulnerable; I was embarrassed and didn’t want to scream because I didn’t want anyone to see me that way, and I didn't want anyone to see and tell N because he would think I cheated on him or something. I don't know why I felt so scared of that instead of any other thought. I only thought for a second “he is going to kill me here” but he seemed to be okay if I stopped fighting him off. I figured if we just did this he would have got what he wanted and leave me alone. He said “You’re just too tight" I never had sex with anyone but N. This was painful. I told him I wanted him to take it out but he wouldn’t. He kept telling me that it would get better, it would feel better in a minute.

It was such a small space in the backseat and I was trying to get even just a foot away, to breathe. But there was nowhere I could go. I felt so trapped. He said something gross and I tried to push on his face when I had the chance at some point, but he flipped shit about that. He grabbed my arm, held it down hard and then he punched the car seat multiple times. That was terrifying. I thought he was going to start hitting me. So I guess I became more submissive at that point. He didn't hit me. He put his hand around my neck, which scared me at first. But he never actively choked me. Just touched me like he was going to choke me?

He was saying things to me ("You smell so good" "Ssshhhh, just relax. You can like it if you relax" "See, doesn't it feel good?") until he decided he wanted something else. He was always holding onto my arms, guiding me. He sat down on the seat and made me sit on top of him, facing away. He held my arms behind me and then continued. All I remember was him pushing me more into the back of the front seat and whispering things in my ear. My body ended up reacting. He noticed and said I was a "sl*t". I felt so ashamed. The next thing I remember was he said "Turn around" I was mortified. I had never done that before. I didn't want to be that close to his face. I told him I wasn't any good, I had never done that before and he said "I'll show you, it's ok. You'll do great."

And this is where it gets even more humiliating. These parts make me obsess with deleting what I write. I'm so ashamed! I didn't want to do any of this! But I also wanted it to be over with. So I turned around and he pulled me down onto him. He made a comment about me bleeding and it made me panic. He grabbed my hips and squeezed "Just don't think about that- do you like this?" I was unresponsive at first but he made me tell him I did. He said degrading things about me. He told me I was a filthy sl*t. He made me tell him I was a sl*t. I tried to keep my eyes closed because I couldn't stand looking at him. He told me I was too stiff and that I needed to "loosen up." "Open your eyes, look at what you're doing." He grabbed my arms hard and held them on either side against me and he finished. He leaned into me breathing hard, and all I remember is crying and trying to do it quietly, while trying to pull my head away from him as much as I could. I couldn't believe where I was and what was happening. I was trying to figure out how I could even get out of the car. All I wanted was to get off and away from him. When I tried to move my arms away from him, he wouldn't let me go. He made me stay there on him. He would let me pull away a little and then pull me back down, laughing. So I just stayed there, humiliated. He said something about him taking my virginity. He didn't!! But I definitely wasn't experienced and I guess I was bleeding because he was rough, which he seemed really excited about. I lost my virginity not long before this. I only had sex a few times before this with N. I didn't respond to him. He looked at me with wide, crazy eyes. It was horrifying!

When I was finally allowed to get up, I was in a panic looking for my clothes. I couldn't see them. He said I was "wound up for no reason" He ended up handing them to me eventually. I heard him say something about doing this again sometime. I didn't find my underwear in what he gave me. I threw my clothes and shoes on and tried to grab for the door but it was still locked and there were no lock switches on these back doors. He laughed. I asked "Can I please go? I won't tell anyone anything." He said "I know" with a huge grin, and he unlocked the doors with his keys and I walked to the school bathroom. I didn't want to run because I was embarrassed. Always embarrassed and humiliated to do anything that may have brought attention to me. I was confused and trying to make sense of what all just happened. If this really just happened. What am I going to do? When I was in the bathroom I had to figure out if I was bleeding because it felt like I must have been bleeding more- but it was his semen. I could smell it. I puked after I realized he didn't use a condom. I didn't even make some of it into the toilet. I was scared. I went home, showered and laid down in bed and cried until I couldn't anymore. Wondering why he let me out of the car. Thinking how I needed to tell someone. But being humiliated and scared. Remembering him saying people would just think I had a crush on him and that really bothered me. I didn't understand if I told people he hurt me why anyone would assume "oh she must have a crush on him." As a 17 year old who wasn't at all experienced with anything, I didn't get it back then. But reflecting on it as an older woman now, I see he probably meant everyone would think I made it up "crying rape" to ruin his precious image or whatever. I was just so discouraged.

Anyways, I called N and when he finally called me back, I could tell it just wasn't a good time to talk to him. He said rude things at first. I didn't even want to tell him anyways. Or anyone. But it was eating me alive. I didn't have anyone else in my life around then. I didn't live with either parent and they both had priorities that didn't involve me. My grandma, who I lived with (I miss her so much) was always working and stressed. She also had bad health; specifically heart issues and I sure as hell didn't want to stress her with my problems. I felt so alone and isolated. So I drank some alcohol just to try to sleep. I told him over the phone when I was drunk I guess. I can't remember these specific conversations but I know I told him something.

When I saw him, N told me I needed to tell someone. I had to tell him who it was first. When I wouldn't give him a direct answer, he said "just tell me it wasn't him" and I fucking lost it. Once he was confident enough in what he wanted to know, he told me he had to leave. He had to go because he couldn't just sit there. He was too angry and wanted to punch my wall. I freaked out and told him "please don't do something stupid!" Maybe I was selfish in that moment, but I really just wanted him to hold me and tell me it was ok. I just wanted to feel like I mattered at all. And that loneliness added to my feeling of worthlessness and like no one could ever truly understand what happened or truly care. I didn't know what I could do so I called N after he left just to make sure he wasn't going to do something impulsive or crazy. He promised me he wouldn't, he just needed to "think clearly right now." He ended up telling me I HAD to tell someone at the school. I had to let someone know what happened. I don't know why our first thought wasn't the cops. I didn't even think about going to the police honestly. I was just so damn scared.

So two days after that horrible day, N accompanied me to school. There was the principal of our section of the school and a teacher of my choosing (Mr H-they let me choose for comfort, I guess). I couldn't speak. N asked if he should leave the room, if that'd make it easier. I cried and ran out of the office. I saw R in the computer lab and we locked eyes through the window. N had followed me and told me he saw how hard it was on me, but they needed to know who he really was. So after I gathered myself, I went back in. N offered to go get drinks from the cafeteria with the principal if it was ok with me, and I agreed because it was hard enough to talk to him about this. The teacher said "if it makes you more comfortable, you can avoid using "I" or "me" when you talk about this." So that's what I did. I said "this teacher hurt a student." I was very vague because deep down I was terrified and too embarrassed. When N and the principal came back, they asked me a few more questions. I answered, and then they picked up the phone to call my mom. I panicked. I didn't want her to know. I didn't know what I was thinking going there, telling them these things and thinking everyone wasn't going to find out my humiliation soon. I clammed up and ran out, N following me and we left. I didn't go back to school except to get my things and when my mom let me leave school early (April-ish); she had to go with me to all my teachers and excuse me for the rest of the year. And when I did that I saw the guy who raped me in the office. I found out later he was putting in his paternity leave for the rest of the year because his wife was giving birth soon. I didn't know anything about him except random things he told our classroom when we were his students, and hearing he was about to become a father made me fucking sick. Made me question even more things. I also soon after this found out the school gave him a lawyer after I told them, in so many words, that he hurt me. That intimidated me beyond repair. I felt so isolated, alone, ashamed. To me, at that time, I just wanted to forget any of it ever happened. I was young and I regret not doing things differently back then. I just didn't know what to do. I was so lost and so confused; felt trapped. This intimidation, in turn, caused me to make bad decisions.
I didn't hear anything else from the school or anything from an investigator or anything like that. They contacted a lawyer for him but not a cop for me. So I think that added to my decision to bury it deep. I was so close to the end of the school year when I stopped going that I still graduated. Even if I wasn't on track to graduate, I don't know if I could have gone back there anyways.

The teacher I opened up to spoke to me at my graduation and asked me if I was doing okay, but that was it and I never heard anything else about it. N tried to tell the school to get phone records to show he was interacting with female students outside of school (which was my ex best friend R that we KNEW of). He told them this info because he was trying to show them how he wasn't what he was saying he was. But they didn't care. Or at least I didn't think they did at the time (I much later found out he was made to resign from my school in June or December 2010, not sure why) But back then, I felt incredibly alone. I thought if I buried it and never spoke about it, it would all be over. But I swear, this person wanted me to be miserable with every embarrassment he suffered from me trying to tell on him. I guess I tried to turn him in, I really did the best I knew how back then. I still have so much anger and shame with myself though that he is still free, but I mean what else was I supposed to do as a 17 year old with no parental guidance? I don't know what to feel about myself some days.



Edited by marcyabadeer


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I'm so sorry my friend for what you went through, this is absolutely terrifying :( mine happened in a car too, you weren't stupid for following him there, and this was in NO WAY your fault.  You didn't do ANYTHING wrong and he had NO right to do to you what he did.  He sounds like a

n absolute monster and I hope karma absolutely trashes him as soon as possible :( you are so very brave, I relate to a lot of what you wrote and just want you to know you aren't alone and you are very strong, and I'm here sitting with you if you want❤️

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