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sick of being scared to share: the beginning

I am so so sick of being scared to share my story. So I am putting it back up...

He paralyzed me for years thinking nobody could ever believe anything that happened to me. I was a "nobody, unreliable, junkie, liar." I buried everything because I know people wouldn't want to hear these things. Wouldn't want to believe these things can happen...
So I've finally managed to muster up some courage to write my story some. I hate that it's going to be so long. It's taken a lot out of me to start thinking about it all; but I felt like I had to try to write some of it down. Especially after having seen him recently, I cannot stop thinking about it. It's invading most of my thoughts and my sleep. I just want some relief. Maybe this can give me a little. Or at least I can sleep without clawing my arms. I'm sorry that it's detailed. I need to get it out. I need to let it be known what he is capable of. Since everyone seems to think he was/is perfect and never did anything truly wrong, red flag after red flag!

Anyways! I'll start at the beginning of it all:
When I was 15,  I was in this program where we could take college courses in high school. The professors would actually come from the college to our campus for our classes, and I thought that was pretty legit. We had our own small building on this corner section of the campus. We also had our own set of high school teachers who taught in our building. One of them was someone everyone seemed to mesh with right from the start. He was well liked and respected, but soon into this school year I noticed he was inappropriate. He would make inappropriate jokes to make the teens laugh and even joke about his penis size. "Hung like a bull" was the joke. He joked about sex and masturbation, both male and female. He would talk about how he played the bass guitar and how strumming it was like playing with a clit. He also mentioned how he walked into the girls locker room by "accident" at a previous school he worked in. He literally told us he ended up resigning before they let him go. I guess he was so charming they gave him the courtesy to choose.. I have NO idea why he felt compelled to tell us this or thought it was okay to tell us this; or why everyone else was like "wow, those damn girls told on you!" Maybe it had something to do with the fact he thought he was invincible. And how he knew how to charm people into thinking he was something he was not...I always knew he was crossing the line (and he made me uncomfortable most of the time), but nobody else seemed to care or didn't act like they did. He really knew how to get into everyone's heads, especially the students. He knew exactly what to do and say to get people to trust him. Everyone I was surrounded by just adored him. It gives me chills as I type it. In hindsight, there were many things I see now that were so obviously inappropriate it makes my blood boil to think people didn't make note of it or care; especially after I told them what he did.
Like when he would record all of us students on his personal video camera for what he called "Ohio State Pride". So it went like this, he would play music and have the students in each class dance while he recorded it. I know this sounds fucking crazy now as I realize it all again. I was 15, uncomfortable, and everyone else was so happy and excited about it all! Nobody saw this as weird. Other teachers knew and didn't bat an eye! I don't get it!! It makes my skin crawl. Another thing I randomly remember is the inappropriate things he would allow us to watch in his class. He showed a standup of Dane Cook. Which was funny but I remember being extremely uncomfortable when one of his jokes was about female masturbation. I felt gross watching it because the joke was about masturbating for women being similar to being a music dj with the turntables, and we all knew he was a dj. He also would play songs before/in between classes each day, I guess like a dj would. But sometimes I would notice he would play a song I had on my myspace account at the time; and I always felt dumb for thinking he was singling me out but I mean sometimes I would change it to things I didn't even care for just to see if he would copy me, and sure enough yes he did. It was like a conversation he was trying to have with me or something. I don't really fucking know. It's like he got some sick thrill out of it all. I really feel so dirty looking back on all these things that I didn't realize was so insane until allowing myself to think about it all now. It's definitely bringing up memories and those shameful feelings all over again :(

A newer memory I have is him playing guitar during what must have been a study hall on a Tuesday we didn't have our college class because there weren't many people in this class. He was sitting at his desk playing guitar, and he started this guitar riff I immediately recognized because my mom always listened to older music with me. So I blurted out the title of the song. He looked at me and when I looked at him, I guess now I realize I sensed a connection being made. I remember feeling the need to look away from him because it felt intimidating. I know I felt awkward, and I now realize the feeling I felt in that moment was violated. He seemed really surprised I knew the song and after this he jokingly called me "Sharona" a few times randomly at times we were isolated. I figured it was because he was making a stupid inside joke about me knowing the song he played, but now that I have heard these lyrics as a grown woman, I feel truly violated. I never really understood the lyrics as a 15 year old and now I really truly feel so violated! Even more now! I feel like maybe he was making some kind of innuendo. Now some of the things make a little more sense to me. Maybe he really did think I wanted him too.. Laughing at his joke about this maybe he thought I was condoning his interest? Maybe he really thought I was interested in him sexually. These realizations make me fucking sick and so ashamed. I know I told him "no," but I still can't help but feel like now he had the wrong ideas at some points.

Anyways, he never gave me any crazy extra attention that he didn't give to everyone else. He offered to help me with projects and things, but he offered that to others. He never groomed me by trying to get to know me or anything at all like that; I also never took his bait as far as wanting to stay after school with him or ask him for help with things. Looking back though, I can recall him grooming what was my best friend at the time (R). Like wanting to get together with her after school and "hang out" she told me. They would text and talk on the phone; she showed me messages so I know it was true. I told her all that was weird and she should never do that. All that time, I thought he was going to try and have sex with her or something. From what she told me though the last time we spoke (a long, long time ago), they never did anything like that. She said he was never sexually inappropriate with her. Which makes me question whether she was honest with me or if he just saw me as weaker, easier prey. But I mean, wouldn't she have been easier prey since she was actually interested in him? I don't really get it.
Well, fast forward to about the end of that school year, I remember getting off the bus in my neighborhood and seeing him in a car near my street and thinking that was strange... But I acted like I didn't see him and went home. I thought it must have been a coincidence. Later that same month, he tried to touch me when we had to be alone at school. I was asking a question about a project, and he touched my thigh. It was in the way he touched it though, it made me feel dirty. Grown men don't touch teenage girls bodies do they, especially their thighs? Closer to my privates than to my knee, and I knew that wasn't right. That was personal space I felt like. I never had any other teacher put their hands on me this way. All I did was ask a question. But now I felt dirty. He also MADE me stay after class to ask this question. Remained "busy" until about everyone but one person left the room. By the time I finished my question, we were alone. I felt like I had done something wrong after he did this though. I remember feeling wrong MYSELF. Why? I don't know. I just feel like, looking back, everything he did was so methodical it's driving me crazy!! Or he just had stupid fucking luck!

One time he made a comment about my eyes. "Your eye color is very interesting. I've never seen eyes that color. Very pretty" But I hate this memory so much. It reminds me of looking into his eyes. It feels so violating and intrusive and it was one of the least intrusive things he did do to me. I don't know why it bothers me so much but it does. Now anytime anyone comments on my eyes I get chills and shakes; feeling the panic build. I don't even want my eyes sometimes!

Moving into the next school year, I remember how much he wanted to be our junior year history teacher. Fortunately, he didn't and we ended up having more classes in the main high school building. As I was visiting one of my freshman teachers in the college building on campus, he seized his opportunity to get me alone again. He asked this teacher if he could see me a minute, and this teacher told him to write me a pass to my next class. He wanted me to help him carry equipment from his car to his classroom. I didn't understand why he didn't just ask a male student who was stronger, or a group of students. Obviously he wanted to isolate me and I was easy prey I guess. Naive. Inexperienced. I helped him for some stupid reason. He had authority over me, and I was manipulated time and again by him because of this. I just never thought anything too uncomfortable could happen AT school. It seemed way too far fetched. There was only a moment, which I couldn't react quickly enough, where he leaned into my face and I froze. He kissed me, like a peck half on my lips and cheek. Mainly because I instinctively jerked away a little. "Thanks for the help" and he winked at me. I was in shock about this. I didn't understand how to tell anyone this. However, I knew I wanted to avoid being alone with him from now on. He made my stomach turn. It's like my being knew how sadistic he was deep down. His presence actually made my stomach churn. Now that I look back on it, this is when I started suffering chronic nausea. Probably my anxiety having to be around him.

I remember him doing other small things during school. Like one time I was walking past his classroom to get to another class when I ignorantly made eye contact with him and he licked his lip and bit it. He looked me up and down and made me feel sick.. I didn't really know even back then how to word it to tell anyone these things. I started skipping school a lot more.

I had a close male friend this school year (N), and seeing that my female best friend was infatuated with this fucking creep, I didn't feel like I could open up to her about how uncomfortable he made me feel. Plus, I tested the waters with her by mentioning something small before and she seemed to get really defensive for him (It was the time he commented on my eyes). How he could never do anything inappropriate... He must have just been giving a genuine compliment, I do have pretty eyes blah blah blah. I didn't really know what to do.  I felt intimidated that even the girl he was so obviously trying to get close to didn't even see anything wrong with his actions. She seemed to actually get mad at ME for being weirded out about him. Even when I mentioned him telling us about sex games he played in college. Am I fucking crazy for thinking he shouldn't have been going there?? I mean I don't get it...

So I ended up hinting to N that this teacher was a little odd. Putting feelers out for his reaction. Instead of bringing up my own personal experiences, I flaked out of embarrassment and told him about the close relationship he was creating with my best friend. He told me that wasn't normal and I should tell her how I felt about it. So I did tell her I didn't like how he was trying to manipulate her, and our friendship fell completely apart. She of course was all about taking his side.

N and I became closer after this and actually ended up dating senior year. I guess now that I think about it, I know R must have opened up to that teacher about what I did tell her about him; and that was that he was creepy, manipulative and putting feelers out for teenage girls. I am guessing he loathed my interpretation of him. Someone once mentioned he was intimidated by me not being manipulated by him back then and that made him want to silence me even more. Someone else also mentioned that he was offended I didn't respond to his sexual advances, and I didn't because I was more attracted to the beautiful girl in school rather than some teacher (which my confusing attraction to women was why I never dated anyone before N).

Before N and I dated, he actually had a friendly relationship with this teacher. There was a school band that this teacher created and N was one of the lead singers.They even have a video on youtube, but I can't and won't look for it. At first I thought it was cool. R was in the group too and with N knowing a little inside of the relationship between her and the teacher, he noticed things others didn't about their relationship that made him uncomfortable outright. He was not one to keep quiet, so this is where the embarrassment for this teacher started. N would make puns and things to call the teacher out. When N told me about these things, I guess I started to feel like I could say some of the things that made me uncomfortable when it came to this guy; just telling him he made me uncomfortable at first. Then I told him about the way he touched my thigh and asked me to help him carry a bass guitar to his classroom and kissed my face. N flipped out. He was so pissed. Pissed enough to react personally to him. He also told a school administrator his family knew to look into this teacher and his misconduct. I think this was the deciding factor for this guy to torture me any way he could out of rage and retaliation.

We had empty classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays since our college classes were Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. We usually had teachers as monitors of those rooms. So I still had to see this guy sometimes even though he was a sophomore teacher. There was a specific instance where this teacher got his hair cut, and N asked him, in front of tons of other students, if it was his "state cut" which I guess is a slang term for the haircut you get when you first go to prison. He didn't like that at all. And from then on, they just went back and forth. One time I remember this teacher telling us all he was getting married to a woman who used to be his student. When he said it he looked right at N and said "in case anyone wanted to start a rumor, there, I was the one who told you all." I remember thinking, how is it a rumor if it's actually true? Also, another red flag for everyone, but instead everyone thought he was so cool and honest. I almost want to talk to every student who witnessed these things and ask them NOW if they think he was inappropriate? Because today I feel like he would have been fired quick! Why did everyone fucking like him? Why, in the end, was I still the one who was looked at as making things up?? After all the suspicious things he did and said. Yet he was still golden.

The last straw though between this teacher and my boyfriend was when N called him a b*tch after another argument and walked out of this class we had where he was the "monitor" of the room. It plays slow motion in my mind even now thinking about it. I watch him jump up after N and run out of the classroom, and my heart was pounding so loud it was all I could hear. I guess this turned out to be a huge fight in the office with a lot of name calling. N called him a pervert, pedophile. N was of course suspended, and I was on my own. This lead to me being cornered by him. "Are you obsessed with me? Why are you telling lies? I wouldn't do that. Anyone will just see a teen with a crush." That made me feel so dirty. Made me question if I had done anything to make anyone ever think I had any kind of crush on him, because I didn't. I was honestly crushing on women back then and still in denial about that. I felt really tiny, embarrassed and unseen. So alone and unsure what to do next. I wished our school had cameras because I could have had something to show them he cornered me; what other reason would he have to do that besides threatening me? To prevent another freak out from N though, I didn't tell him this.

Within weeks, when N wasn't at school (I now know he was an alcoholic, he didn't come to school a lot of mornings) this teacher had tricked me and forced me to his car in the student parking lot and raped me. Totally broke my spirit. I had dreams before this. This crippled me with fear and shame, I was stuck. I don't know if this was his intention all along, to break my soul. Or if he decided this in his rage against me with telling N he was inappropriate and all the fallout afterwards. Maybe the humiliation he felt was what he wanted me to feel times ten after all this? I don't know. That's a thought I've gathered when I think about why he did all this to me. I question this all the time. I obsess over it, honestly. He had a mission and it was to fucking torment me. Maybe even eventually kill me if I tried more to turn him in, or if I didn't abruptly leave the state. Who even knows.

I didn't ever think that was where all the awkward encounters would have led me. Never.



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