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Undeserving of self care



My work week has ended and now my weekend begins. Honestly, I feel like a failure. My pain, Emotions, and other demons have taken over this week. I had a meltdown at work in front of a friend. Telling him I couldn’t deal with anything anymore. I still think I can’t. I don’t feel strong enough. 
These past four years since my assault I’ve blamed myself. I feel like it was my fault. I got into a car with a man I met online for a date. Being assaulted wasn’t even a thought in my mind. I feel like I don’t deserve to heal and I don’t deserve care, least of all from myself. I feel at  times like waking up is all to painful and fading away would be blissful at the very least disappearing. I’m be talked with another female coworker who wrote down some positive messages for me. She said to look at when I start to feel all those negative thoughts come back and that I was strong and worth it. 

So today for self care I’m going to take a nice relaxing bath make some tea, clean my space   Have a makeup and spa day. (I love experimenting with makeup.) And be somewhere I can have some peace and quiet for a little while.  But I’m also going to do some writing and reflection about my thoughts and feelings. The first steps to healing are always scary but not trying is not an option. 



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