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It's Getting Harder

New Uni Student

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So, it's been over two months since I moved to University. I haven't been able to go home because I'm so scared that I will bump into him and he will do what he keeps telling me he wants to do to me. My depression has been getting so much worse and I've been contemplating ending my life so many times. I'm getting better at hiding my fear of men now. But it builds up and I have to leave before I have a panic attack. When I see large groups of guys, I have to take a completely different root. I've also recently gone back to smoking to help with my anxiety. I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't told my university about it yet because I know they will tell me to report the issue but I don't want to report it. I know if I do, then I will be questioned and it will look like it's my fault. I still believe that what happened is still partially my fault because I rejected him and he was angry. I should never have trusted him and talked to him in the beginning. I feel like an idiot. I never tell people about the second time he assaulted me. It wasn't as bad as the first time but it still hurt. The second time was because I made the same mistake I made the first time it happened. I went down the same alley thinking it would be safe but I didn't know he had seen me from inside the pub. He grabbed me and ripped my clothes again. He didn't get as far as last time but he hit me quite a few times. This was about a month and a half after the first time he assaulted me. After that, I never went home without someone.

I tried dating someone but I couldn't keep up with him and broke up with him. He was manipulative and tried to manipulate me into having sex with him even though I wasn't ready. He made me feel bad about how I looked and when I didn't want to spend time with him because I got into my own head, he made me feel so bad. I'm so worried about being with someone in case they treat me like that again. I've been told by so many guys in my life that because I don't want to have sex, guys will just take it forcefully and that's all I'm good for. 

Right now, I'm going through my daily life without feeling anything but sadness and anxiety. I just don't know what to do anymore. 



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