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Tears From Heaven



well, trying to do everything in my power to make things right and mend the bridges I have burnt. not sure if it is working  but I guess its going to be worth the try. Since my brother took his life in march I realize just how much I miss him in my life. I find myself doing things and then random thoughts about him sneak in. I still grieve the loss of my best friend. I am saddened because my daughter doesn't get to know him and he would of loved her. she kept him drug free for 9 months. but when in the hospital my grandmother told him that he was not welcome at the hospital. we had planned on him being there for the birth of his niece. after she went off on him he went and got high. he knew he was not allowed around my daughter until he was clean and sober. I went back to Utah when she was about 2 years old and he finally got to meet her. he loved it he played with her and that is a memory I will always have. after what happened well now 3 weeks ago, the sexual assult by someone who was supposed to be my friend. I just want to lie in the corner and cry avoid anyone and everyone. I feel so alone right now and I feel like I don't deserve the support anymore because of bad choices I myself made. I cant fix it but hopefully in time can begin to mend my bridges that I burnt. I know it will never be the same but I did this to myself I must take the responsibility it was no one elses fault just me. I have come to accept this fact, but feel so alone now. I am so tired of trying and it doesn't seem to be mending anything at this point. things have to get better it cant always be bad. it killed me when I went to Utah to burry my brother. he is buried right next to Ashlie, my oldest daughter that passed when she wasfour. therefore I had to visit her grave and I didn't feel ready. its been 15 years since I lost her and buried her but the pain was so hard to deal with. the only peace I get from this is that my brother is up there watching over Ashlie and Kim and  myself..

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It sounds like you have been through so much. You seem strong for having made it through what you have, and I admire that you continue to be there for your children. You have the ability to tell the stories you want about your brother now - since he's not here you're the keeper of his memory. Sending you warm thoughts.

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