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July 2017

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healingpanda

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The first time that I talked to you.

July 9th 2017

I honestly don't quite remember the very first date that we talked, but I do remember July 9th. I remember being on video call with you for over 5 hours. I remember you telling me how you couldn't wait to see me the next day. I also remember you telling me you loved me. At that moment you didn't seem concerned about my age at all, you didn't even seem bothered by the fact that I didn't want to show my face at first. I remember in that moment I felt very happy. You were being so sweet and funny over the call. I felt like you actually cared for me and at that time, that's all I wanted. I really just wanted someone who was going to listen to me and care about me. 

I woke up the next day, July 10th, and I was very excited. I never really stopped to think how potentially bad it was that I was meeting up with an internet stranger until I was already at the park, waiting for you. I did text one of my friends your name and the car you'd be driving just in case.

I remember when I first got in your car and you asked me for a hug. I was very surprised how calm I felt around you. All my thoughts about how dangerous you potentially could be went away. I wasn't worried about the fact that I met you online. I remember you driving us to the place, we were laughing and getting to know each other. I was really surprised by how open I was being with you. I have really bad social anxiety and I have a hard time talking to people. Somehow, being with you was easy. Talking to you didn't make me anxious or nervous. It honestly didn't even feel like I had first started talking to you the week before, it was as if I had known you for a while. Being with you that day is really not a moment I will ever forget...

A few weeks after the first time I met you, we made plans to see each other again. I don't remember the exact date but I know it was the week of July 24th. The plan was that we would see each other after a trip I was going on with a group I was in. I was supposed to tell my mom we get back two days later than we actually did. You came up here to get me, and we drove 1hr+ to the hotel you got us. I remember feeling insanely happy in that car with you. At this point, I already knew that I loved you and I wanted nothing more than to be with you. Laying in bed with you, sleeping next to you, honestly a part of me wishes I could have those moments back again. I really miss that feeling of happiness and safety. Those nights in that hotel made me feel like a person. For the first time in a while I felt loved and appreciated and wanted. It's hard, looking back at it now, knowing that you were doing that just to manipulate me. I really can't believe it and I wish I could still live in ignorance. I wish I could still pretend that what we shared between us was real.

Obviously, you remember it differently.

According to you, I harassed you and forced you to meet up with me, after you told me you weren't interested. I was 16 at the time, you were 26. How could I have forced you to rent a car and drive 2 1/2 hours to come see me? I also never 'harassed' you at all. I know you telling me that was one of your lame attempts at making me feel crazy, and it really does work as much as I wish it didn't. After you called me last week to tell me all this I spent my whole night crying because I felt so insane. I wish I didn't let you get to me like you do. I'm detailing everything here now because I know I am not remembering this wrong. I want to put it in writing so I can never be confused by you again.

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