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October 2019 - been struggling, but improving


rakit

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Actually left my apartment of my own choice today. Not because of work, not because I promised someone I would do something or be somewhere. Just decided to get out for me. Walked down street and back. Picked up some junk food on the way back. Was gone for about 20 minutes, during which I realized it had been a very long time since I did that.

It's the first time I've left the apartment because I wanted to, rather than needed to or promised to, in about...a month?  Maybe longer?

I noticed today that I was truly paying attention to, and laughing at, my favourite Youtuber's new video. It felt amazing. I didn't realize I hadn't truly been enjoying it for a long time. Halloween is my favourite, but I haven't decorated the way I did last year or the year before. I don't enjoy movies or shows the way I used to. I've been struggling with a lot the last while. With my workload, with my volunteering, with my social life, with my SI, with my uncertainty and fear of my brother, with my breakup last month. I lost more than a boyfriend with that breakup, I think. I lost some hope. I was so proactive about having frank conversation on major deal breakers, then threw myself into it wholeheartedly.... I told my therapist last session, that I was done with relationships for a while. And I am, but I never seem to stay single for more than a few months. I'm hoping that I can learn better how to just be on my own this time. I don't want to stay heartbroken forever. Just maybe for a little while, work on the "let myself feel emotions rather than silencing them".

I'm just a little numb. A little sad. Stressed. I'm noticing that SI has become a daily consideration...again. It doesn't really end, but it gets easier to deal with. Might be in a valley of the cycle right now, but eventually a peak will show itself and I can climb up it. This may not be totally new, but I am working on feeling. Which is different from before. Improvement.

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