I Just Really Don't Understand
Entry posted by Poppy_ ·
1,186 views
I know, I know.
I’ve been completely absent for entirely too long and for that, I do sincerely apologize. Aside from the fact that this weekend was insanely busy, I just haven’t had much to report. Nothing aside from the normal every day stuff that happens. But alas, here I am, which means I have an update. Well, sort of. I have a few things on my mind that I think I want to write about just so I can do some decluttering up there and breathe a little easier.
I’ll start off with some good news! Of course, with a little backstory first.
I started seeing my current therapist (Thursday T, not The New Guy) in February of 2019 – very recent. After starting with her, she wanted me to get on medication before starting EMDR because I was too much at risk for suicide and she didn’t think I would be able to handle the after effects of the EMDR without something to help me balance out the negative emotions. Up until this point, I was very against taking medication. Not because I saw anything wrong with it, but because I didn’t think it was something I would be able to hide and I didn’t want it out in the open. After some talking with her, I decided to give it a shot.
I went to see my primary doctor and told her what was going on. The story of my assault, the EMDR, my history with depression, and the fact that my therapist wanted me on medication. She understood and prescribed me Lexapro.
I had a TERRIBLE reaction to this medication. It exhausted me and made me feel MORE suicidal than I already was. I told her about it the next time I saw her and we switched to something else. She decided to try Prozac.
This medication also didn’t work. I didn’t have as strong of a reaction to this one, but it still wasn’t working. Thursday T said she thought I needed a mood stabilizer. Up to this point, I didn’t know such a thing even existed. So, at my follow-up appointment with my primary doctor, I told her that the Prozac wasn’t working and that my therapist had recommended a mood stabilizer. She told me that she would have to do some research because this wasn’t a type of medication she had much experience with.
After a few days of waiting, I called her office to ask why I hadn’t heard anything about my new medication. I was informed that my doctor just wasn’t comfortable prescribing something like that because she was too unfamiliar with it. She decided to send me to see a psychiatrist to hopefully get proper medication and treatment.
In the interest of saving time, I’ll skip the part about getting in to see the pdoc – it’s not super relevant anyway. All you really need to know is that I’m seeing the pdoc that Thursday T recommended. They know each other which is pretty nice.
After my initial intake session, I was diagnosed with Type II Bipolar Disorder. This is a diagnosis that I have recently come to accept as part of who I am and I’m not seeing it in a negative light anymore. Just as a disclaimer here – while this diagnosis was hard for me to accept about myself, that does NOT mean that I see it as negative overall or that I am judgmental of other people with this diagnosis. It was just something that I didn’t recognize in myself and was a lot for me to process because it was about ME.
After this diagnosis, I tried SEVERAL medications looking for the right combination. Nothing seemed to be working. Since Type II Bipolar is basically bipolar depression, I was trying to find a good combination of bipolar medication to even out the episodes of depression and hypomania, as well as an antidepressant to help with the overall theme of depression. I was so discouraged because it felt like every time I went in to follow-up with my pdoc, we were switching medications again. I was exhausted and I wanted to stop. I was tired of nothing working and feeling like I would never get better. I didn’t quit though. I decided to stick it out and hope for the best.
I FINALLY landed on a medication that seemed to be working. People were noticing a change in my behavior and seeing that I was more steady in how I was feeling. That being said, I was still experiencing SOME mood fluctuation and episodes, they were just more mild than they had been. I told pdoc about this about a month ago and we decided to keep the antidepressant where it was and up the dosage of bipolar medication.
I know you’re wondering what the good news is here – I’m getting to that.
Last night when I was taking my medication, I realized that I was feeling fine. I had BEEN feeling fine for the past week at LEAST. I was talking to one of my good friends and told her that I felt the medication was working. This is the first time that I have felt it was actually settled on where it needed to be.
I’m feeling so much better and I’m able to function like I should be. So, the good news is that it’s working. I’m so happy that we found a good combination and that things are settled. I didn’t realize how bad the episodes were until now that I’ve stopped experiencing them. I don’t know if I will have to take medication for the rest of my life, or if this is something that can be fixed before my brain is fully developed at age 25. For now, I’m content and I can focus on healing from my trauma. I still have bad days – don’t get me wrong. But now, I’m have a bad DAY versus a bad MONTH. It has been really nice to function like this. So, I’m pleased!
The other thing I need to talk about isn’t really good news… I mean, it isn’t terrible – don’t get me wrong. It’s just not a pleasant topic. In fact, it might make me seem crazy or a little weird, but I can’t stand the unprocessed thoughts running through my mind so I need to get them out.
Remember me telling you all about The New Guy’s wife? This is about her.
We started talking long before I started seeing her husband for therapy. She’s actually the REASON I started seeing him – she told me that I should. It took some convincing, but I relented and decided to give it a shot. Because of her. Because I trusted her. I wanted to believe she had my best interest in mind. Since I believed she truly cared and I felt I could trust her, I requested her presence in my sessions. If you’ve kept up with my blogs, you already know this. I talked to her a lot about my self-harm, my ED, my assault. She knows things about me and I was okay with that because she assured me that I could trust her.
Things have been weird lately. We don’t talk as much and that’s mostly because I feel like she wants nothing to do with me. Maybe I’ve annoyed her or she feels she doesn’t want to help me because I’m exhausting her. It was never my intention to get this close to anyone ever again because I always end up getting hurt, but she continuously told me that I could trust her and she continuously told me that she cared. She knows that I’ve been betrayed and my trust has been broken time and time again, and she still convinced me to open up to her and told me that she wouldn’t do that to me. To be fair, she hasn’t broken my trust. Not to my knowledge.
It’s not really my trust that I’m concerned with right now. That’s not the reason that I’m writing about her. I’m writing about her because I just don’t understand her. I’ve tried to come up with reasons in my head – reasons why she acts so hot and cold with me. I have a few ideas, but nothing concrete. I’ve talked this out with one of my friends but honestly, neither of us can figure this out. It’s hard to know without actually being in her mind and experiencing what she’s thinking firsthand.
Sometimes, I call and she answers and she will talk to me and ask how I’m doing. We will talk for over an hour and she will make sure I’m okay and talk things out with me if I’m upset. After those conversations, I feel happy and I feel safe. Other times, it’s different.
Other times, I text, and she doesn’t respond. This I know is because she just… doesn’t text. I don’t know her reasoning – if she just doesn’t like it or it’s too time consuming – but I know she prefers a phone call. I try to play by that rule when I can. Sometimes I text first just to make sure she isn’t busy, and she will tell me that she will call when she can. I’m okay with that.
What I’m not okay with is when I see her in person. She acts so cold and distant towards me. She acts like she doesn’t know me or doesn’t WANT to know me. We hardly talk at all in person and I worry that I annoy her and she doesn’t want me around. I’ve tried to look at this another way because there’s a good chance I’m reading too much into things or I’m overthinking it, but I can’t see it any other way. I really don’t understand it.
I have spoken to her about this before. I’ve told her that I don’t understand her and that it feels like sometimes she just doesn’t want to talk to me or I feel like she doesn’t like me. After that conversation, I could TELL she was making an effort to talk to me more. Well, she made an effort once. I remember it because I knew that was her reason for coming to talk to me that day. I’ve told her that I freeze up around her and I don’t know what to say, but I desire her company. She KNOWS this.
I offer to help her any time she’s doing anything. I want her to like me. I do things that I don’t particularly want to do or things that I really don’t even have time for because she needs help and I want to be there to help her. I feel like she’ll like me more if I help. If I’m helping her with something, she seems warm and open and she’ll actually talk to me. If we are just coexisting, it feels like she ignores every word I say. She won’t even LOOK at me when I’m speaking. What am I supposed to do with that?
So, here’s my theory. I don’t know if this has any merit, but it’s simply the only explanation I can come up with as to why she acts like she doesn’t know me. Unless she truly just doesn’t like me or finds me to be annoying.
I’m thinking this may have something to do with her relationship to me in counseling. I know she isn’t my counselor – her husband is. But maybe the fact that she sits in on my sessions has her feeling the need for a professional boundary of sorts? Perhaps she thinks that she has to act cold towards me so people won’t know that I see her and her husband for counseling. If this is the case, I have a couple issues with it.
One of my issues is that I was speaking to her BEFORE I started doing it professionally. It was casual and she was just a confidant for me. That was what I wanted – not another ‘professional relationship.’ Had I known that seeing her husband for counseling would change OUR relationship and make it less warm, I never would have agreed to it. I have a professional relationship with Thursday T, I didn’t want another one. I wanted a friend. Someone I could talk to about the hard stuff when I needed someone to lean on. Someone that wouldn’t be afraid to hug me because of some invisible boundary. Had I known that I was signing up to completely change this relationship into what I DID NOT want, I would not have relented.
So, I can’t change the past. I did relent and agree to counseling with The New Guy. Now I’m heartbroken because his wife, who I thought cared and would be there, is virtually absent and acts as though she wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I really just don’t understand what I did or why she changed.
There’s a chance that this is all in my head and I’m making something out of nothing, but I don’t feel that’s the case. I can SEE the way she’s been treating me. The hot and cold. If I tell her I need to talk, she’s there and that’s great. Any other time, she acts like we’ve never met or that she hates me. And because she acts so cold to me in person, it makes me feel like she’s only here for me out of obligation. Like she feels like she HAS to listen to my problems because she has said she would or because she feels bad for me or something.
I really don’t know where I’m going with this – I could go on but it seems that talking about it isn’t helping any more than when the thoughts were just swimming around in my head. I’m talking in circles anyway.
If anyone has any advice on what I should do, I will gladly accept it. I feel stuck and I’m at a loss. She’s making me miserable, but I also can’t imagine not talking to her anymore. I don’t know what to do.
Anyway, this is a big rambling mess, but thank you to anyone that read it. I’m going to do more thinking about The New Guy’s wife and hope to come up with a solution.
I’ll see you all soon!
XO,
Poppy
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