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teleahstears

A blog by teleah in General

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teleah

Entry posted by teleah ·

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My daughter is moving out soon, as in a week to live with her boyfriend, this has triggered so many memories of goodbyes. My first goodbye I can remember was my safe grandpa passing, I was not allowed to say goodbye because it was my job to make sure mom was ok while my dad played the role of concerned dad taking us to a park and telling not to cry or we would get it later, so I smiled and played with my brother all day. The second goodbye was my dad walking out the last time, before that he had stormed out but the final time was when I split into one of me, TW, the last time he walked out, he was furious, my mom had sold his boat for a dollar and threw his stuff out window after she found he was taking his affair to the lodge . He came over, went in the garage, stood my grandpa's pipe wrench, I was in charge of making sure he did not steal her stuff while she was work, he grabbed my hand dragged me into the bedroom, then he slammed the pipe wrench next to me, jumped on top of me, TW..... Then he proceeded to rape me, take my virginity then he left, telling he was finally free of his retarded daughter. The next goodbye, I remember is the last time I saw my grandma at a nursing home and her last words to me was to warn me my dad and brother were bad men, then she passed a year later. My next goodbye was my loss of my Angel Hannah Renee, I had a TW......medical abortion because she had no skull, I was 30 when I lost her. Three years ago, I said goodbye to my mom on the phone before she passed, leaving me alone to process her and my dads abuse of me. Now my daughter is moving out and the bpd monster is growling, gnashing it's teeth, you can go, you are no longer a mom, you can go and I am trying really hard not to be her goodbye.

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Iheartcupcakes

(((((teleah))))) you are STILL a mom. No matter where your daughter goes, you are still her mother and you always will be. She will always need you :throb:

The world will always need you...we need your love, your light, your courage, your strength, and your kindness. 

I am so very sorry your parents more than failed you. I am so sorry for the abuse you suffered. 

 

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teleah

Thank you for the responses, I spent yesterday wrecked, my daughter called after closing and told me her boyfriend was picking up her stuff without her, I fell apart, wept until she came home, she calmed down when she saw my state. All I can think about today is what a burden I am to her, how I want her to celebrate her huge step without worrying about her crazy mom like I did for 40 years. Today I feel weak, wrecked and fighting ghosts of goodbyes while trying not to be one of my daughter's goodbye. Thank you for listening, so grateful you hear me. (((((((Child and IHeartCupcakes)))))))), love teleah

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teleah

Been a week since she left with the pets, I feel frozen on my couch, ghosts of my abuse around me and since she took her pets with her, no fur babies to distract or comfort me. I feel so disconnected from the world now, scared these ghosts could lead me to my final goodbye, wish I could say goodbye to the BPD monster that is thrashing inside me, teleah

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teleah

I keep dreaming of my mom, who passed three years ago, I am always looking for her through my old toys, but I never find her, just hit me that I can't find her because she was never there, I spent my whole life looking for the mom I needed her to be a nurturing safe mom but I had an angry critical abusive self centered little girl raising me who needed me to prove her worth, her existence, so I can never find my mom because I never had a mom, really struggling how to say goodbye to the woman who raised me, the woman who has caused me to want to say goodbye since I was eleven, really struggling to say goodbye to the BPD monster inside me, that repeats over and over, you can go before you turn into your needy, hurtful mom, teleah

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