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Step I/Question IX: Are you in touch with your feelings now?


Freyja Lee

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Am I in touch with my feelings now?  Definitely not.  This is one of the biggest issues with my abuse.  As I've mentioned, I don't struggle with flashbacks, etc.  My struggle is my disassociation with myself and those closest with me. Which is because I am not in touch with my feelings.  I feel like I go through life emotionally flatlining.  I'm not in touch with my anger, which I feel is a good thing, but I am also not in touch with my happiness.  I have so much in my life to be excited about, to appreciate, to look forward to.  But because I am so detached, I just go through the motions in life and don't get to experience the joys. 
I've watched all three of my children turn 18, graduate High School, one go off to the Army and get married, return home from the Army, and countless other 'life's high's' and through it all, I was numb.  I got engaged 6 month's ago, moved in with him, changed jobs for less stress, planning a honeymoon in Hawaii.  There is nothing in my life at this moment that I can complain about, but do I walk around, happy, experiencing this precious moment??  No, I'm flatlined.  I would feel the same inside if all things were struggling.  I want to enjoy life.  I want to feel happiness.  I want to feel the love that is surrounding me. 
Another way being out of touch with my feelings comes out, is in my relationship.  My fiancée will ask me questions and I can't answer them.  If it is something that involves asking myself how I feel about the situation in order for me to answer it, I will be quiet for a few minutes, while I process everything to come up with an answer, and there are times, I can't even come up with an answer, and I don't even acknowledge what he said, because I have nothing.  This is something we've talked about and I am working on — to at lease acknowledge him and let him know I have no answer at that moment. Making decisions can be hard when you have no feelings to base them on. 
One last thing — I mentioned that being out of touch with my feelings is one of my biggest struggles with my abuse, I can't leave it unsaid that my self hate, not feeling worthy to love or be loved, are the bases for all my other struggles with my abuse.  These are the things I hope to heal from.
 

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