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Step I/Question VIII: How has the abuse affected how you function sexually? (TW)


Freyja Lee

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Thank goodness it doesn't affect me the way it use to!!!
There use to be a lot of shame around sex/masturbation.  A lot of the sex I had was for the other person, not for myself.  Even if I wanted to be sexual as well, once we started, it was as if I removed myself from it and just went through the motions of whatever the other person wanted to do.  And even though I've had many giving partners who were looking to take care of me, not just themselves, and I wanted it/them too, once, we were in the act, I would regress.  When I was younger, I had a lot of sexual triggers.  Waking up to someone touching me sexually was a big one for a long time.  My partners learned that one real quick.  Giving oral was definitely a trigger.  Receiving oral would cause me to regress.  And again, even though, I enjoyed it, there was always this underlined checkout/regression/timid side of me that would come out. 
For many years, I felt as if I were numb, sexually.  My sexual body parts did not feel the sensations like it does today.  I was unable to orgasm — I think when you train your body to not respond for so many years, it takes a lot of recovery to get it back.
The sexual abuse caused me to be promiscuous for many years of my life.  Having sex with someone I just met or didn't even like was not unusual for me.  If someone was persistent enough, I'd go along with it.
For many years, I would have to think of the abuse/my abusers to enjoy masturbation/sometimes even sex.  I think this may have been a control thing for me.  
I am now at a place where I can enjoy pleasuring myself without all the negative tapes.  I am also able to enjoy being sexual with my partner.  I enjoy doing things, I don't just do them.  I look forward to it.  I think I have a pretty healthy view of sex and a healthy sex life today.

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