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Where is the line??? (TW)

This is something I've gone back and forth on over the years.  Was this sexual abuse??  If not, what was it??  Any personal stories or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

If you have not read my previous posts/blogs, I have an extensive history of abuse/sexual abuse leading up to the summer of age 14.  I know the previous abuse was the fuel for what happened.

There was a family that lived by us when I was about 7 or 8, they were good friends with my dads girlfriend, that is how he met her. The couple had a little girl who was 6 years younger than me.  My dad and his girlfriend partied a lot and fought a lot.  I started spending a lot of time with the family and when they moved about 20 minutes away, I would spend the weekends, and most of the summer at their house. When I was 14, they moved to Florida.  That summer, they flew me out to spend the summer with them.  At the time, the mom worked at a office, the dad worked from home, and the little girl continued to attend her daycare that she would attend while the parents were working.  So during the week, it was just the dad and I at home.  One day, when I was bored in the house, I went out to the garage where he had his wood shop set up.  He was working and I was standing there talking to him.  When he asked me to hand him one of the tools that was next to me, I took it and put it behind my back refusing to give it to him. He walked over to me, asking me to let him have it.  I proceeded to tell him that he had to get it from me.  Well, this turned into a whole game of grabbing, teasing, and the next thing I know we are making out and all over each other.  Things progressed quickly.  For the remainder of the summer, we did everything (but sex) every chance we got.  To the point where he would come out at night, when his wife was asleep, and we would mess around.  He never had sex with me because I was a virgin and he did not want to take my virginity.  In my sick and twisted mind, the more he refused to have sex with me, the more I would do and carry on. 

At times, I have struggled with calling this sexual abuse.  I was 14, I knew what I was doing, I instigated it, and continued it.  At the same time, he was somewhere between 32-36 and should not have given in from the beginning.  I don't think I would have done this if it wasn't for the previous abuse.  This person was the only male in my life who had not abused me in anyway, sometimes I wonder if this is why I did what I did.  Could I not allow a male in my life without him using my body??  Did I need him to be sexual with me in order for me to accept him as loving and caring for me as a person??  I think the moment he would have had sex with me, I would have been over the whole....I don't even know what to call it...affair...situation...seduction....???

 



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