i decided to take a break from AS hoping maybe i could heal and deal with myself and problems without being a burden to someone else. i have tried as hard as i could to stay away because i felt like all i was doing was upsetting others, that i didnt belong here anymore, lost and thought if i just push it out of my head it would all go away. it didnt work as much as i hoped. since i have been away several things have gone on that i guess made me come back to seek understanding and not feel so alone anymore, damn i hope this helps. somebody that was like a grandfather to me passed. he was the last support i had. i couldnt say goodbye because he was on life support and when i tried to go to say good bye it ended up hurting me and caused major memories of Ashlie when she was on life support. her birthday is coming up and i am having a hard time trying to deal with that as well. the flashbacks have gotten so bad that at times i cant even get out of bed. the depression isnt helping. i have gone days without eating and i know that is unhealthy but its something i struggle with and with everything going on im just shutting down. i dont know where to turn or who would even take the time to stand by me, i feel like im not worthy of that. that i deserve to be alone. i am just so lost in this world anymore. i dont even see me having a place with in it. i feel like all i am good for is for someone elses pleasure. that s all i have ever been good for and i have had it hammered into my head which is why i guess i am just accepting that fact. i wonder will i ever belong anywhere. i am just lost right now and trying to find my way.