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my place in this world



i decided to take a break from AS hoping maybe i could heal and deal with myself and problems without being a burden to someone else. i have tried as hard as i could to stay away because i felt like all i was doing was upsetting others, that i didnt belong here anymore, lost and thought if i just push it out of my head it would all go away. it didnt work as much as i hoped. since i have been away several things have gone on that i guess made me come back to seek understanding and not feel so alone anymore, damn i hope this helps. somebody that was like a grandfather to me passed. he was the last support i had. i couldnt say goodbye because he was on life support and when i tried to go to say good bye it ended up hurting me and caused major memories of Ashlie when she was on life support. her birthday is coming up and i am having a hard time trying to deal with that as well. the flashbacks have gotten so bad that at times i cant even get out of bed. the depression isnt helping. i have gone days without eating and i know that is unhealthy but its something i struggle with and with everything going on im just shutting down. i dont know where to turn or who would even take the time to stand by me, i feel like im not worthy of that. that i deserve to be alone. i am just so lost in this world anymore. i dont even see me having a place with in it. i feel like all i am good for is for someone elses pleasure. that s all i have ever been good for and i have had it hammered into my head which is why i guess i am just accepting that fact. i wonder will i ever belong anywhere. i am just lost right now and trying to find my way.

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Hi amallison0084, I'm sorry you're in pain, grieving, and feel so alone. Im going to encourage you to write on the forums like Gathering place, where more people will hear your thoughts and feelings and be able to respond and offer you support. Folks at AS understand how overwhelming flashbacks and depression can be. I'm pretty new so I'm not sure what to say to help you, but I know that other people will be happy to jump in. Please reach out and ask for support. For now, know that you are not alone, and that you are a beautiful soul and worthy of love and happiness.

Sending you peaceful healing light,


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