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I'm getting married!

AllyHatter

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To whom it may concern,

Weird that some happy news might be on my blog haha.

But I am getting married. To a man I barely know :) I know it seems crazy but he is the person who will never hurt me. I don't know why I feel this way. I can't understand it but when he looks at me....I don't wanna look away. When he smiles at me....I'm not scared of what he might think if he ever found out what happened to me. When he touches me....I don't wanna pull away. He loves me and I feel it. Like I really feel it. The only fear I have is....am I gonna fuck this up?

I fear that he might see my flaws. I fear that one day he will wake up...and he won't want me the way I want him 

I know he says he will always love me and I want to believe that. I want to believe that this is it. I want to believe that he is gonna be the man I am with for as long as the stars light up the night sky...but I have never felt real love...and so I'm scared that if I really accept it...if I hold on to it and care for it....he might rip it away from me someday. No one has made me feel worth it. 

I woke up today and I felt like out of place in my own body. Since I've met him, every day I wake up, I have made an effort to believe in him and to believe in us. I usually succeed. This morning I was looking at apartments for us and talking to him about different things and I started asking strange questions like "Oh you really want me that close? You know you'll have to see me everyday." I started second guessing everything I was searching and everything I was planning with him. I almost felt like I had forgotten who I was and what my life was. It was both terrifying and somehow relieving...

Because for a second...even though I had forgotten the amazing love I was shown by my amazing future husband....I had forgotten....the pain that I had felt....every day since that terrible day.

Then I realized I would rather feel that pain every day for the rest of my life then forget the love I have been shown in such a short period of time by such a wonderful man. I am finally feeling....peaceful....cared for.....loved.

Sincerely yours,

Alice. 



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Alice, I feel uneasy about marrying someone you barely know. But you know. My parents didn't want me to marry my husband who I love and is perfect for me. We all have different stories. Here's my advice:  tell him! I freaked out and told my guy when he first started making moves aka making out and his hand touched my leg that I was molested as a kid. It totally ruined the moment and was awkward. But it was better in the long run. It's been hard the whole time. He is nice to my brother (purp) and had always been but his anger flares up against him when talking about it. I love it bc it has affirmed that I was abused and it wasn't my fault, you know? My parents acted like it wasn't a big deal when they found out. And that hurt. I won't go on about it, but recent things they've said (they are such sweet, nice people btw) have made it kinda weird and awkward.

Anyway, I had a baby one year ago today lol and the first 6 months were really hard. I had unexpected crazy trauma from, I think, the abuse. I was depressed, no Dr, no meds, and I felt like a terrible mom. Anyway, my husband was amazing through it all (he has is own annoying issues too of course, but generally speaking...), And it was so good to talk to him. I had nightmares and narcelepsy (still ), and I was not acting myself.

My point here is not to make you afraid of having kids. It's the importance of being together on your issues. Honestly I was scared when I first told my husband (dating like 6 weeks at the time), bc he got so mad. But if I have a guy who's mad about that, it's a true blessing. He made me meals for 3 months all day, to help with breastfeeding and sleep, and he's always there. Good luck to you, and I'm sorry for whatever you've had to go through. My best advice is tell him now and pray. Any second you are scared or reminded, pray for your future with him, your own mind, and the ability to keep going.

 

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He knows. I told him. He was very accepting. He just wants to protect me

 

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I was abused at a young age . But I met my husband at a young age , when i met him I knew he would love and protect me for the rest of my life . My abuse ended around the age of 12 . I met him shortly before my 16th birthday . He gave me a promise ring for my 16th birthday I wasn't allowed to date . But he still came over every evening to watch TV with me and yes I did tell him about the abuse  . The 31st of this month we celebrate 37 years of marriage and two kids , three grand kids . Your heart knows .   

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