To whom it may concern,
Weird that some happy news might be on my blog haha.
But I am getting married. To a man I barely know I know it seems crazy but he is the person who will never hurt me. I don't know why I feel this way. I can't understand it but when he looks at me....I don't wanna look away. When he smiles at me....I'm not scared of what he might think if he ever found out what happened to me. When he touches me....I don't wanna pull away. He loves me and I feel it. Like I really feel it. The only fear I have is....am I gonna fuck this up?
I fear that he might see my flaws. I fear that one day he will wake up...and he won't want me the way I want him
I know he says he will always love me and I want to believe that. I want to believe that this is it. I want to believe that he is gonna be the man I am with for as long as the stars light up the night sky...but I have never felt real love...and so I'm scared that if I really accept it...if I hold on to it and care for it....he might rip it away from me someday. No one has made me feel worth it.
I woke up today and I felt like out of place in my own body. Since I've met him, every day I wake up, I have made an effort to believe in him and to believe in us. I usually succeed. This morning I was looking at apartments for us and talking to him about different things and I started asking strange questions like "Oh you really want me that close? You know you'll have to see me everyday." I started second guessing everything I was searching and everything I was planning with him. I almost felt like I had forgotten who I was and what my life was. It was both terrifying and somehow relieving...
Because for a second...even though I had forgotten the amazing love I was shown by my amazing future husband....I had forgotten....the pain that I had felt....every day since that terrible day.
Then I realized I would rather feel that pain every day for the rest of my life then forget the love I have been shown in such a short period of time by such a wonderful man. I am finally feeling....peaceful....cared for.....loved.