I want to be clear...I self-medicate. I try to numb myself in order to cope with my past. It's not healthy. It's not how I should cope. But, it's my current reality. I don't want to keep this up, nor can I continue to drink like I do and expect my past to go away, or my life to get better. I'm slowly killing myself, and it pisses me off! However, I am currently trying to get into rehab, although my insurance is denying my request (another story)!
From the start, I was physically abused by my father. He was an arrogant, religious, physically large man, that thought that sparing the rod, would spoil the child. He would pray for me before he beat me, and never forget to mention that he was doing it because he loved me. He would say that he didn't want to, but that he had to. The blood he drew would always say otherwise, but who was I to question.
At 10 years old, while attending a Christian school, that was also where my family attended church, the preacher had his way with me on a regular basis. My memory is blank as to the details, but there is a reason for that. I only remember bits and pieces, but every time I got in trouble (which was often), the preacher would pray for me, spank me with a wooden paddle, and then comfort me through the act of molestation.
Can anyone relate to this? If so, please reach out to me. I'm numb, yet still in pain...if that makes sense!