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Its been a long time since I wrote a blog entry. The day we were moving to that 2 bedroom he got wasted and ended up trying to shoot himself. He missed and the bullet went through the apartment on the other side. He was admitted to the hospital and we had to move to a house in the country with roommates. Getting him off drugs and alcohol was hell. He was horrible to me. He started getting better for a few months then he started drinking a little more at a time again. First it was on the weekends now it's everyday and it's getting worse. He can't keep promises, he lies constantly even though I always know he's lying, he treats me like the worst scum on the planet, and sees nothing wrong with it. I have no car no job no money so I am stuck with him for now. School has been great, I have gotten 9 As in a row in my classes. My son is growing so fast; he's so beautiful and smart and strong and happy. I love him so much it hurts but in a good way. He is very attached to his daddy so I hesitate to break it off with him. When I get my license back and a car of my own maybe I will look into other options but for now my survival instinct is kicking in. Child support would only cover rent diapers and my phone bill and as anyone with kids knows it takes worlds more than that. I got joint custody of my oldest son and see him every 1st 3rd and 5th weekend alternating holidays and 30 days in July. He's got issues from being left at my ex since the environment is filthy and broken and has no guidance or discipline whatsoever. But I'm happy I get him as much as i do. For a year and a half i didn't even get to talk to him really because they always said he was sleeping outside or gone. So I'm stressed about him and helping him with his issues on top of my guy and his addiction combat PTSD and TBI problems and trying to get good grades in school while raising a very active and daredevil 1 year old. So my plates full. It's hard living with roommates too. One of them does drugs and smokes cigarettes in his room with my family here. The owner is evicting him thankfully. The other roommate is very sweet and generous he just doesn't ever clean up after himself and his side of the house stinks so bad it's hard not to get nauseous when I walk by that hallway. There are good things and bad things about my life. I have family; I've mended those bridges and my real true blue friends are there for me through the phone since one is in L.A. and one is in AZ. I am so lonely though. I'm used to having a life and being with this guy I haven't had a life in almost 2 years. He's not physically violent but he's mentally and emotionally abusive and doesn't think there's anything wrong with lying or getting drunk and being a horrible person or spending all the money we have on unnecessary stuff and alcohol. He's not my friend I can't trust or depend on him and I can't even have an intelligent conversation with him. I get nothing I want need or deserve from this relationship. I am so miserable I've let myself go and my PTSD is flaring up again; nightmares fear disassociation anger hate and depression not eating not sleeping etc. I think my life would be so much better without him. He's a good dad though and the baby just loves him so how can I RIP them apart? My rationale is protecting my son from his selfish impulsive horrible decisions and behavior. There's no one to help me and I have nowhere to turn. So I have to endure this until I get where I can do this myself. I'm not even concerned with trying in this relationship anymore. I've realized it's been over for a very long time. Why put myself through anymore heartache when I know that's all that will come from continuing on? He has no idea how to treat women or even respect any of us. He was raised by his friends and by war and he knows nothing about right or wrong or how to be a good person. I'm not sure if he can be helped or healed. He needs to want to be and if you think nothing you do is wrong you won't listen to anyone right? He thinks I'm being unreasonable telling him not to drink everyday and cares nothing about what I want or how I feel. He never listens and doesn't even really apologize or try to make up for wrongs anymore. I can't stand him anymore. Every day I wake up next to him disgusted disappointed angry sad and hurt. He got a job offer as a contractor overseas which entails him to be gone 3 months at a time and home for one month paying 114k a year. The baby will be miserable without him but thatd be ideal for me. I wonder if I should make the decision to send him over there (with a lot of danger; he could be killed at any time because it's in Afghanistan and Iraq) and let him just send money home for me to get everything straight and then decide if I want to break it off for good. Maybe separation will help us. Maybe being away from us and me having time to recharge will heal our relationship. Maybe if he goes over there he will see that his place is here with us and make him appreciate his family. Or it could make him decide to stay there and leave us. Or he could die. For me it's a godsend but for my son it's a nightmare. I would sacrifice anything for my son to have a good life and be happy and successful even my own happiness my health my life everything. That's would parents do for their children. So I can endure this a little longer until I can take care of the baby myself. I really wanted him to be my partner. I thought we were supposed to be together. How could I have been so wrong? I want that guy I fell for back but he seems to be gone for good. I love living in the country and closer to my oldest son. The schools here are pretty good too. I want that other room for my boys and to get my oldest full time but that costs money. Why does everything cost money? The system is set up so if you don't have money you're supposed to Darwin out. Horrible. I'm struggling with old habits and old problems. The stress even made my migraines come back and cause hives every so often. It's literally killing me so I'm not sure how much more I can take.. i know I will be ok and I will move forward stronger from this. I will not let this or him beat me. I will rise above. It's just so hard to see the light when I'm stuck down here in the dark again. One foot in front of the other, head pointed forward and straight ahead with my gaze 360°. This is a learning experience so not time wasted. More later...


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