During the last couple months my life has fallen apart and my heart shattered to many times to count. i am just done trying to pick up the pieces its like a puzzle and they wont fit anyway. i used to think i was a good person but i guess that was a lie i told myself to keep going. im coming to the realization that im not a very good person but rather some would say toxic and that hurts to say, but like they say the truth hurts. i dont know where to go from here. i guess realizing the things that i am i am begging to question my behaviors that lead to the assults. example... if i hadnt gotten into my moms cabnet that day maybe the assults from her never would have taken place, i understand yes i was four but i should have known there would be consequences to my actions and although i could never have guessed they would be what they were, i did deserve that punishment. i wanted to look at adult things thus my mother teaches adult things. no i question with the other sexual assults even the most recent. what could i have done different to keep it from happening, did i show an interest, i dont know it just sucks that when all said and done i did this to myself and have NOBODY to blame besides myself. i wanted this entry to mean something and i guess it didnt go where i wanted it to other than continueing to realize the truth of the matter, and yes it is crushing to know that im not a good person in anyway shape or form never have been never will be i will always just be toxic.