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There's decaf...or decaf.

Capulet

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Two years ago, when we moved into our new home, our realtor bought us a Keurig machine - this adorable cherry red contraption - and it's been nothing short of amazing to have - especially when there's a need for a 'quick cup.'    While I still drink coffee, it's mostly the iced variety from Dunkin' with a shot of caramel and cream - my Keurig machine has lately been going WEEKS without brewing - it's usually only used when my mother (Oompa) comes for a visit.  She'd come in and ask for a cup of coffee: 'got any decaf?'  Often I'd have to tell her that I only had regular - thus starting her new tradition of bringing me a box of decaf K-cups whenever she came to visit.  My supply of regular, though, has dwindled and I cannot open my pantry without it spitting out a box of whatever-flavored decaf.

I'm feeling the need for coffee this morning - for starters, I'm cold.  It's barely breaking 50 degrees lately - nothing but rain, rain, and more rain.  We had a one or two day reprieve here and there, but never long enough for it to dry out a little.  So, I'm cold, I'm tired of the dreariness....and I'm just plain tired this morning because as usual, I crawl into bed at 2am (force of habit) and on this particular (rainy, of course) Tuesday morning, I am waiting for the guy who is installing a new shower to arrive.  8am, he said.  I got up at 6 when J left for work so I wouldn't sleep through the promised appointment time - it is now 9:45am and he's still not here.  

Regardless, I needed an energy jolt this morning - so into the K-cup inventory I go and ALL that remains is decaf.  Now, when Oompa comes, I'll have to tell her to bring REGULAR K-cups because decaf ain't gonna cut it.  I'm already half asleep!

Gonna be one of those days, yeah?  OK.  Warning heeded.

So, I did say I would be writing a little about Mother's Day, being that I've had mixed emotions about this day for years, now.  

Not because of my kids.  My kids are my life and I LOVE being their mother.  The son is going to be nineteen...(I can't...) in a couple months and the daughter will be turning THIRTEEN.  So, for one year, (help me Jesus!) I'm going to have TWO teenagers under the same roof at the SAME time.  Although I must say it's certainly felt like the daughter's been a moody, brooding teenager for a WHILE, already.  It'll just be official in a couple months' time and I'm definitely in for it.  Anyway - the kids and J took me to dinner last night at Red Lobster, followed by a trip to Dairy Queen for sundae desserts.  The son forwarded me a coupon for university logo apparel and the daughter bought me a card and a huge bag of watermelon flavored Sour Patch Kids...I guess she didn't get the memo that I need to get my ass back onto the Weight Watchers bandwagon, but it's the thought that counts. :)  

Oompa planned her vacation to Italy for the week of Mother's Day.  Pretty sure it wasn't done intentionally - was probably a 'travel this week, get these super deals' kind of thing.  Either way, I wasn't really caring.  I'd just seen her two weeks before for Easter - and secretly was GLAD I wouldn't have to figure out a way to make her feel particularly special on Mother's Day all the while not knowing what my own kids had in store for me.  As is, I struggled with what to say to others on social media.  Mother's Day is just - I don't know.  Seeing all the Facebook posts scroll by, all these sons and daughters with pictures of their moms - the daughters who call their moms their best friend.  It's hard to take it all in, knowing that my mother is NOT my best friend - she's someone who annoys me to no end, someone who will commit an act of generosity, then turn around and ask what we'll do for her in return.  No, it's never simple with her.  She is both an easy and a difficult person to love...try to figure THAT out!

So, Sunday, I spent a little time on my Facebook - to my sisters, I sent a Happy Mother's Day message on Facebook on each of their walls.  I sent J's sisters the same.  I sent J's born-again Christian mother (who isn't a fan of mine) a HUGE thank-you for raising the woman of my dreams (YES, I absolutely did do this, and yes, I did it to be mischievous) and the message I sent my own mother took longer than all the rest combined.  I chose my words carefully - trying to find words that were truthful but could also be interpreted in a way my mother needed them to be.  

I thanked her for everything she's done for me and all she's taught me.  And she has.  She's done lots for me - some of it, I wonder if it was guilt-born.  She taught me a great deal...I cannot deny this.  She taught me to speak.  She taught me to treat others with kindness and respect.  These are the finer qualities...unfortunately, she also taught me about lying, about hiding, about sweeping things under the rug.  She TRIED to teach me to 'put things away,' but this was not an effective lesson - it's only taught me self-doubt, to suppress, and that if I can't remember something, it isn't true.  Logically, I know that's not the case, but to have that ingrained in you from a very young age - well - you're kinda screwed.  

My mother taught me how NOT to be with my own kids.  So, that, I can also thank her for.  She taught me to allow my children to be who they are - without fear of being judged for it.  She taught me to listen to what my kids think of others - a child's intuition is rarely wrong.  

Sadly I cannot explain these things to her.  My messages to her are generic, short and to the point.  I cannot even think about what I'd want to say to my mother, because I probably NEVER will say some of these things, even if opportunity knocks.  I don't think I'll ever have the relationship with her that I'd LIKE to have....that ship has sailed around the world several times over.

Do I love her?  Of course.  But I also feel this incredible need to maintain an emotional distance.

Not even sure what else is swimming around in my brain at the moment - I'm tired, I've not had sufficient sleep nor caffeine.  BUT, the good news is - there's another year 'til the next Mother's Day comes around.

Maybe some things don't need to be overthought? :) 

Hoping everyone is having a good week - will be back soon with another update.

My best to you all!

- Capulet



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Dear Capulet,

I think many of us can relate.  

Despite the image that people project on social media, I think it's actually common that not all of us naturally relate to and feel safe with our mothers.  There's nothing right or wrong about it, it's just the truth.  Not all souls work well together, some clash.  It's especially hard if we are dealing with the tragedy of abuse.  Some parents just don't know how to be the 'rock' that their children need or the discomfort of trauma.  It's sad, but also true.  

Hope you're doing ok.  

Sending hugs your way,

Gold Raindrops

 

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I heard James Hollis speak at the Conference I went to recently and this quote exemplifies what he was talking about to us.

“How different the world would be if each parent could say to the child: “Who you are is terrific, all you are meant to be. And who you are, as you are, is loved by all of us. You have a source within, which is the soul, and it will express itself to you through what we call desire. Always respect the well-being of the other, but live your own journey, serve that desire, risk being that which wishes to enter the world through you, and you will always have our love, even if your path takes you away from us.” Such persons would then have a powerful tool to enable them to change their lives when it was not working out for them. Such persons would be able to make difficult decisions, mindful always of the impact on others, but also determined to live the life intended by the gods who brought us here.” 
 James Hollis

After hearing this I felt as though he had been somehow listening in on my recent sessions with my therapist. If only my all of our parents could be like this. I'm so pleased to know that you have made the conscious choice to NOT parent like your Mother. I knew that I didn't have it within me to break that sort of pattern nor did I have the energy to do so which was one of the reasons I chose and continue to choose not to have children. And I'm completely ok with that choice. 

I do sometimes pine for the loving, easy ways of relating with family that social media portrays that other people have with their family. It's so instinctual to want to belong like that and so incredibly painful when our own experiences aren't like that. I'm so glad though that we have our AS family as a loving surrogate family to somehow make up for what we may not have with our own family of origin. :throb:

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@goldraindrops - so right you are about things not always being what they seem.  I just wonder how others can sound so convincing. :)  I know for some of them, it IS genuine...and there's always a layer of sadness on Mother's Day.  I know this will eventually be a deeper sadness when my mother is no longer living...that'll be a different ball game, but I will jump that fence when I get to it.   I cannot help wishing I could be a part of that small percentage whose mothers did right by them.  Guess I can take comfort in knowing my kids are.

@AKB - Mr. Hollis has some very, VERY wise words!  I appreciate your sharing them.  

I was actually thinking of you this Mother's Day, given all the recent developments with your parents - and was sensing that you were also struggling.  I understand completely your decision to not have human children - but am glad you decided to be Mama to your fur-baby - Sasha's a very lucky girl! :)  Also agree wholeheartedly that my family here on AS has been a truly exceptional surrogate family, for you guys are who I can be most 'real' with!!!  I don't know what I'd do without you all!  

Love to you both and thank you for your kind words. :throb:

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