Well, as my last entry said i am still trying to cope with the loss of my brother recently to suicide. i thought things were getting better, needless to say "SHIT" hit the fan. i extremely close to him and i thought we didnt keep secrets from one another, until this happened. I dont know what to think anymore. i still feel so lost. i know its "ok" to grieve but during this process i am finding myself more and more upset not only with myself for seeing the signs but also for him not reaching out. that is how this came to be.
i only check my mail once or twice a month because i really dont get much mail. i went out to get the mail over the weekend and got the mail. i was beyond surprised when i saw a letter from him post marked the week before he took his life. i didnt open it and just sat there and cried. i finally decided to open it and read it. it turns out that my brother didnt just do this out of no where. he wrote in the letter that he wanted me to be strong and understand what happened that pushed him that far.it was all new to me because he never told me things were getting that bad for him and i never asked because everything seemed fine when we talked. its like how stupid could i be its not like ive not been on that same ledge before. that is not an excuse and i know that. i wonder so much if i had gotten that letter earlier if he would still be around. would i still have my best friend would i been able to give him the help and support he needed. i dont know how else to think of it other than this. i let him down i wasnt there for him when he needed me the most. so many nights of tears and memories surround me now. i dont want to get up i just want to lay in bed and hide from the world. such a beautiful soul and kind person has been taken from this world. i have to carry on but right now every time i think i have my feet planted and i can start moving forward something happens and i feel like im taking 2 steps back. the anger is still there and dont know when it will go. but now im even more angry knowing I could help him and i screwed up i wasnt there.
im not exactly sure how to deal with this and i wish i wasnt in the position to do so but i am so i have no choice it happened now i have to find a way to deal with the emotions that come from this.