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Stich

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WHY????????

Stich

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Last year at the start of my college experience I was raped. The only people that know are my boyfriend and therapist. I hate talking about it. I am scared to tell anyone. I let this happen to myself a second time. The first time was just sexual assault not as bad a rape. But I let it happen again. I'm letting it affect me again. I am mad at myself because I trusted some guy and didn't trust my gut. I didn't feel safe talking to my parents and asking them to pick me up. I was in his room scared. I don't know why I let this happen to myself. This past month in March, I am officially three years self-harm free. Right after I was raped I wanted to kill myself but didn't. I'm happy I didn't. But I keep asking myself this why question. For the past year I have been suppressing these feelings, but BAM like a wall. Memories and triggers started happening. I got one intense trigger and it triggered emotions. I'm happy one minute, sad the next, and most of all frustrated when I'm not distracted because I just want answers. That is all that I want. I want to confront him, but I'm scared of seeing his face. UGH! I am sorry but this was my rant. I am just so damn frustrated and its affecting my relationship with my parents, sibling, boyfriend. What also have been upsetting me is thinking about the abuse I have been through with past guys. I am just upset. I'm sorry...

Why did I let it happen again?

Why did he do it?

Why did the other guy do it?

Why is this affecting me?

Why can't I just forget?

Why do I have to accept that this has happened?

What did I do to deserve this? 



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It was not your fault.  you did not let it happen.  He did this to you.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  We are all here for you.

 

Congratulations on not self injuring for 3 years! 

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It was not your fault.  You did nothing to make this happen to you.  It’s like when someone robs another person on the street or is subject of a violent crime (rape is included even if ppl don’t scream, talketc) we go over the scene again and again finding reason to what has no reason. The perps are sick ppl.  Also we think of what we could have done differently as we imagine we had the control.  We didn’t that is the truth.  We can’t assume the blame of the attacker.  I don’t care who hey are they come in all shapes and sizes.  I was revictimez time and time again.  We try and continue life acting trusting when feeling the opposite.  When attacked we freeze like really any normal person does when in danger.  You will have a fight or flight response that many times makes us freeze like when crossing a street and a car almost hits you.  Instead of running you feel paralyzed and can’t move from the excess of cortisol your body has just sent out from prediciendo extreme danger.  This especially when you can relate to a past experiences.  You are worthy, you are beautiful strong and courageous. A survivor.  The world needs more people like you.  Keep strong.  This place is wonderful.  It saved me through the toughest times in my life.

gentle hugs,

awi

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