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It's been a while



To whom it may concern,

It sure has been a while since I've been on here...

I stopped coming to the site because I honestly felt worse somehow. I mean in the real world I have my smile to protect me, I have my secrets. I am safe. On here...you all know. You've all been through something similar and I think the knowledge that carrying this pain doesn't make a difference really scares me. 

That boyfriend and I broke up. Mutual. I wanted more, he wanted less and we decided it was for the best.

I'm single right now. Though I wish I wasn't.

Usually that sentence would go along the lines of "I'm single right now. I like being alone" but when it comes to this guy...it seems I always fall back on a relationship I've cooked up in my head. A relationship neither of us wants...yet is always in our minds.

I'm gonna call this guy....RS. I've know RS since I was about 14, my wounds were still fresh. I had had a boyfriend (8th grade puppy love) before and was just trying to be a normal teenage girl. I started working at a little flea market with my father on weekends and that's where I met this 6'4", intimidating, gorgeous, ridiculous, giant teddy bear. At first I acted with him, the same way I had acted infront of everyone. Overly happy and super strange and tough. Cause I always need to show I'm tough. I would hide behind him when it got cold, he would give me his sweaters, his smile and laugh could make anyone smile and laugh, and those eyes! Good lord those eyes are beautiful. Point being, he's amazing. We became friends. I tried being more when I was about 15...I screwed it up. We still remained close friends. So close infact that when I was about 17...I decided I wanted to experience sex....real sex. Not the painful, scar you for life kind. The real kind. SO! I made sexual advances. RS accepted this ( a little bit of a man w**re back then ) He was the only person I was ever comfortable with. Still am.

Now flash forward in time, we are still best friends and sometimes we will get together for a little "booty call". I mean I'm not exactly comfortable with anyone else...with him I can be myself and I don't have to be afraid. He knows everything. There's a few times in the past years, we get together, screw a lot talk a lot, actually consider being together...then we will lose touch. My fault or his, it always changes. 

We are talking again. He always makes me feels like I can do anything, and apparently I do the same for him. He's doing well in life, I'm getting there too and I wonder...is there ever going to be a chance I could end up with him? He's one person I can lie next to all night and not have nightmares. The one person who makes me smile even when he's not there! I mean just thinking about his goofy laugh and big ol' smile makes me happy. I am at peace when we hang out. I don't have many moments where I am actually smiling...no faking...where I can feel safe....where I know that no matter what I say infront off this person, it's ok. They will still be there for me. 

RS is a good friend. He means a lot to me and I don't know what I'd do without him popping into my life every so often. But then again...maybe I'm not meant to be happy and these feelings are nothing more then a cruel joke. I hope we will always be friends. I know sometimes I imagine what it would be like to have more with RS but at the end of the day I need him to be there as my friend. He's my anchor. Not my lover. He's the person who would shoved fries up his nose just to make me laugh, not the man I will marry. 

And I'm okay with that. More so, I'm happy he will be the person to walk me down the isle. I am happy he will be the one to beat up any guy who makes me cry. I am happy to call him family. Even though he has been a sexual comfort when I couldn't be with anyone else...I still consider him to be family. He means the world to me. I couldn't imagine a life where he wasn't my big ol' teddy bear. 


Sincerely yours,



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