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Memory - Truth or Dare

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He said it was a game.  A secret game.  I was 9 and my sister was 7.  He, my brother, was 12.  There had been a lot of change in the family in a short time.  We moved to a different part of town with different schools.  My mom went back to work and my dad went back to school to study for a new career.  As a child, everything felt chaotic.  My parents were so busy with work and school that it felt as though they did not have time for us anymore.  I felt lonely, isolated, and less than.  I was a weird kid and had very few friends before the move.  After we moved, I had no one. 

One evening my brother was babysitting my sister and I.  We were in the basement sitting on some old chairs.  My brother suggested a game of Truth or Dare.  As we played the Dares became more and more sexual.  I felt uncomfortable.  I did not like what he was asking us to do. I didn’t understand it.   However, he was my older brother and I looked up to him.  Most importantly, he was actually paying attention to me.  I craved that attention.  When the game was done he made sure to tell my sister and I not to share this with anyone it was our secret. 

I still get angry with my child self over this memory. I blame myself for just letting it happen.  I get angry with myself because i was so desperate for someone to pay attention to me that i allowed for him to hurt both myself and my younger sister.  Maybe, if I had pushed back when this had happened it would not have continued and gotten so much worse. 

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