He said it was a game. A secret game. I was 9 and my sister was 7. He, my brother, was 12. There had been a lot of change in the family in a short time. We moved to a different part of town with different schools. My mom went back to work and my dad went back to school to study for a new career. As a child, everything felt chaotic. My parents were so busy with work and school that it felt as though they did not have time for us anymore. I felt lonely, isolated, and less than. I was a weird kid and had very few friends before the move. After we moved, I had no one.
One evening my brother was babysitting my sister and I. We were in the basement sitting on some old chairs. My brother suggested a game of Truth or Dare. As we played the Dares became more and more sexual. I felt uncomfortable. I did not like what he was asking us to do. I didn’t understand it. However, he was my older brother and I looked up to him. Most importantly, he was actually paying attention to me. I craved that attention. When the game was done he made sure to tell my sister and I not to share this with anyone it was our secret.
I still get angry with my child self over this memory. I blame myself for just letting it happen. I get angry with myself because i was so desperate for someone to pay attention to me that i allowed for him to hurt both myself and my younger sister. Maybe, if I had pushed back when this had happened it would not have continued and gotten so much worse.