I really miss her.
I dreamt that she died and I was speaking to her spirit in a crowded shopping center. When I turned to my friend, she told me to let her go. She asked me if I remembered how she died, and I said yes, that her father had killed her. Something about a car accident.
I couldn't shake the grief all day.
I haven't grieved over the agony her father taking her has caused me. I haven't allowed myself to cry. I feel like, if I do start, I really won't stop. I'll cry until there is nothing left, and then I'll cry some more. So I tell myself there is nothing to cry about yet, that I can feel the emotions after the final fall of the judge's gravel, so to speak. I just need to keep moving forward for now.
I made some much needed appointments for myself that I've been neglecting. Vision and dental appointments; it's been about two years for each. I haven't really been taking care of myself lately. Having a five month old can do that, but so does going a year and a half without your eldest child, after being with them from the very beginning.
I'm tired. Not any type of tired that rest will fix. I'm not sure what can fix this type of tired, but I hope I find it soon. I really, really hope I find it soon.