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cant happen 2 me!!

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amallison0084

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I have never thought that I would be able to be controlled, cant think of a better word, by someone else, let alone not realize it was taking place. I was so very wrong with this thought. I don't know how many times I sat and seen others go through that and always said I wouldn't let that happen or that would never happen to me. Well....it did!! I have I guess you could say an online support group/system. One day I signed in and someone sent me a picture of a teddy bear saying giving you hugs. I thought it was cute and was down at that time so I made sure to thank the person for that kind gesture. Well,  this went on for about two weeks log in new picture. One day this person actually decided to talk, well type, to me. They seemed very caring and supportive. The way it was put to me, was that this person rode in like a knight in shinning armor, I did not see that, I was just greatful for the support. We started talking more and more every day. We talked about random things and some serious things. Then it I guess took a wrong turn and I didn't realize what was going on. They started to give me I guess orders but I took it as just trying to help me. I had to change my profile and set it to private and then was told who to allow to see my profile besides them. I put someone that I had been talking to on it and they totally filipped out and was told to remove and block that person. they kept telling me they were trying to help and protect me and these are the only people that are safe to talk to. One night a lets say "CREEP" messaged me. I became terrified because I was having my life threatened and had no clue what to do to get rid of the person so I could feel safe. I turned to this particular person for help. They in return went to someone else and finally was told how to block him from any further messages. I was really shaken and began to question the people I had turned to and talked to, I felt like I didn't know who was "safe". So, they went and told several people not to talk to me that they  were the only one that could help me and in time they even got me believing it, not sure how or why. Well the behavior just kept escalating slowly and I wasn't seeing a problem. Another person did however and immedently took it to the admin. I ended up getting  a message from admin. I was scared when I saw who it was from because I thought I had done something wrong. (fun fact you don't tell someone with anxiety that you need them to be calm while reading some.. nope that throws up red flags and am unable to be calm.. not a good idea). I finally opened the email and read it. They had stated that several people were concerned about me and this other person because they seemed to be "controlling" my  every move.  The admin had done a safety check and became very concerned, I wasn't because I wasn't seeing this happening they were just trying to help me is what I continued to tell myself. Admin wrote down what was going on  that was controlling.. even to the point where I asked if I could go to the bathroom or go to bed. I always apologized to them and so much more. They wrote that they needed me to picture a scene that this was going on to someone else and asked if I would tell another person that this behavior was safe and appropriate, and there is NO way on this earth I would tell someone else that it was healthy and ok. Admin asked me to talk with my therapist and get her opinion  on if she thought it was healthy or controlling and corecieve and I did. After a lot of rereading the message and a ton of thought I finally decided that I needed to get away from this person. So, admin had offered to let me change my identlty as a whole and continue from there, they don't accept multiple accounts so I figured it was serious enough that I needed to. I made one final post that said I was leaving the site and in essence became a "new" person. I do  struggle to think if I made the right choice because I know by me leaving I hurt the other person and that saddens me I don't want to hurt others and I know I can be challenging to work with and they took so much time to I thought help me. it makes me sad because it did happen and had said it never would. I am very disappointed In myself for not seeing the signs. I have ended up having to change profile and stop using my original email account. 

I don't know if im trying to say something I think I just wanted to  put it out that even if you don't think it couldn't happen to you, it can and this was a huge wake up call for me. I am still tryin to grieve the loss of my brother and cope with the emotions of seeing my daughters graveside for the first time since I buried her. it has taken a toll on me but this to shall pass right?

 

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