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Phone call

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Well I talk to my mother this morning . We talked for about 20 minutes . She seemed clear and lucid , she described to me the medication that they were giving to her that caused the hallucinations and confusion . She was able to tell me the dosage of the medication that they were giving her and the correct dosage she was supposed to be taking . 

 I asked her a question about our genealogy , and she was able to give me answers that coincide with what I already know about our ancestry . 

 I mentioned an ancestor on my father side who fought in the Civil War , told her what happened to him and she knew what historical event I was referencing  . 

 My brother called me about 20 minutes later . I told him that she seemed clear and lucid . And that her memory seems to be fine . 

 He told me that she has dementia and that everything she tells me is just a delusion . Except for what she told me are things that I know to be true . He is lying .

 He's telling her she lost her phone , that until they find it she has to use his. he confiscated it , so she couldn't stay in contact with family members . If she truly has dementia that is a cruel thing to do.  And if she doesn't that makes me think he's trying to gaslight her . To make her think she cannot trust her memories , which is also a cruel thing to do . 

 when me and him spoke about a month ago about me trying to recover memories from my childhood. I mentioned that we always believed E  molested my sister and that she pass it on to us and about me  walking into the kitchen with that gun . 

 He said he didn't remember any of that . but we have discussed it before . He called me one night drunk and depressed , talking about how we survived all that . And both of those incidents came up in the conversation . But now he doesn't know what I'm talking about .

 and we discussed it before I cut off contact with them.

 he doesn't want me to remember  , because he doesn't want me to  remember what part he played in the sexual  and physical abuse . 

 He wants to be the loving big brother like they show on TV and in the movies . But he never was , both him and my sister pushed me in front to take the brunt of E violence . And I believe E perversion.

 He doesn't want me to remember how him  and his friends treated me during the marriage and after the end .  When I think of A and J and their friends after we moved into that small town all I can remember is being degraded and humiliated . A and his friends beating on me to see if they could get me to cry , because it was funny. And sadly I have suspicions that I was a sex toy for them . 

 That finally ended after we moved to the southwest , he was a high school wrestler and he put me in a position where I was in agonizing pain . I broke a Coke bottle over his head , and knocked him unconscious . And was punished for it . Him hurting me  is what big brothers do , me stopping it " you're just psychotic".

 Of course they told me I was psychotic and then did absolutely nothing to help me . 

 Is it any wonder that I isolated myself and have trust issues . 

 I spent the entire last week in a very deep depression ,  because I realized but I've never really been part of this family . That from the day I ended that marriage till now , I just share a last name with them. Maybe even before then . I was just a sacrificial animal . 

 A moved back to the small town we grew up in to marry his high school sweetheart . After my dad died my mother and sister moved back to be near him . There is no tearful goodbyes between us when they left , just a we will call you if we need something from you . 

 And honestly I don't have the strength to go any further with this today . 






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