Well I talk to my mother this morning . We talked for about 20 minutes . She seemed clear and lucid , she described to me the medication that they were giving to her that caused the hallucinations and confusion . She was able to tell me the dosage of the medication that they were giving her and the correct dosage she was supposed to be taking .
I asked her a question about our genealogy , and she was able to give me answers that coincide with what I already know about our ancestry .
I mentioned an ancestor on my father side who fought in the Civil War , told her what happened to him and she knew what historical event I was referencing .
My brother called me about 20 minutes later . I told him that she seemed clear and lucid . And that her memory seems to be fine .
He told me that she has dementia and that everything she tells me is just a delusion . Except for what she told me are things that I know to be true . He is lying .
He's telling her she lost her phone , that until they find it she has to use his. he confiscated it , so she couldn't stay in contact with family members . If she truly has dementia that is a cruel thing to do. And if she doesn't that makes me think he's trying to gaslight her . To make her think she cannot trust her memories , which is also a cruel thing to do .
when me and him spoke about a month ago about me trying to recover memories from my childhood. I mentioned that we always believed E molested my sister and that she pass it on to us and about me walking into the kitchen with that gun .
He said he didn't remember any of that . but we have discussed it before . He called me one night drunk and depressed , talking about how we survived all that . And both of those incidents came up in the conversation . But now he doesn't know what I'm talking about .
and we discussed it before I cut off contact with them.
he doesn't want me to remember , because he doesn't want me to remember what part he played in the sexual and physical abuse .
He wants to be the loving big brother like they show on TV and in the movies . But he never was , both him and my sister pushed me in front to take the brunt of E violence . And I believe E perversion.
He doesn't want me to remember how him and his friends treated me during the marriage and after the end . When I think of A and J and their friends after we moved into that small town all I can remember is being degraded and humiliated . A and his friends beating on me to see if they could get me to cry , because it was funny. And sadly I have suspicions that I was a sex toy for them .
That finally ended after we moved to the southwest , he was a high school wrestler and he put me in a position where I was in agonizing pain . I broke a Coke bottle over his head , and knocked him unconscious . And was punished for it . Him hurting me is what big brothers do , me stopping it " you're just psychotic".
Of course they told me I was psychotic and then did absolutely nothing to help me .
Is it any wonder that I isolated myself and have trust issues .
I spent the entire last week in a very deep depression , because I realized but I've never really been part of this family . That from the day I ended that marriage till now , I just share a last name with them. Maybe even before then . I was just a sacrificial animal .
A moved back to the small town we grew up in to marry his high school sweetheart . After my dad died my mother and sister moved back to be near him . There is no tearful goodbyes between us when they left , just a we will call you if we need something from you .
And honestly I don't have the strength to go any further with this today .