As I read more on CSA and CPTSD I see more of the negative behaviors in me. One if them is anxiety attacks. I get overwhelmed, at work it's to many people, to much noise, to much to do and to many demands on my attention. I am fine if I can just focus on the thing I working on but interruptions stress me out. Especially by people who want to be BFF's. And then there are the Alpha Males who think they need to assert their dominance in every encounter. Fine you're a Alpha now Piss off.
So I am reading up Anxiety attacks and CPTSD most of it is not helpful
Let it go.
The past is the past.
Forgive and forget.
Others had it worse.
Suck it up.
Etc etc , of course I have said all this to myself over the decades.
And as I read a lot of this lines out of an old Billy Joel sing pops in my head
"Here you are with your faith , and your Peter Pans advice, you have no scars on your face and you can not handle pressure" lol
If I could let it go I would, if I could move on I would move, it not me refusing to let go of the past, it the past refusing to let go of me. I have forgiven but forgetting it is the problem, not be able to recall all of it and discharge the emotions is what's causing the problem . And yes I am aware that though out all of the history of the human race others have had it worse, so what? As for sucking it up I been doing that for over 40 years and it made it worse.
The doctor has prescribed me valium for the anxiety and as much as I hate taking them I guess I better. I only been taking them for sleep and when it gets to be much. But if I wait till I am overwhelmed its to late. So time to start taking them as prescribed.
Trying to be a real boy is hard. Thinking of myself as a thing was easier but not healthy .
And my life where being a thing was necessary has changed . That is no longer healthy for my family . They and me need me to be human now. But 50 years of habit is going to be tough to break.