I was having a great day today. This morning I had to set a piece of equipment in the high winds we had today. It turned into a scene from the old Keystone Cops silent films. I starting laughing so hard I can't talk to direct the guy driving the crane. Almost fell off the ladder.
I solved a difficult problem on a different site. Every one was impressed.
My boss called me to tell me that a project that I have been arguing was a massive time and labor sink got canceled.
Then on the drive home I got to thinking about my mom. While it turns out that she doesn't have a brain tumor she probably doesn't have much time left.
I made my peace a long time ago about not being there at her end. I had planned on never speaking to her agian, but decided to about year ago.
My brother has been trying to get me to go up to see her but due to my situation out here that's almost impossible. I can't leave my wife and daughter for a week due to their health issues.
So on the way home I had a conversation in my head about what to say if he begins trying agian.
What to say if he uses the old saws, you owe her,she give birth to you, she raised you.
Well as to me oweing her, maybe I did at one time. But she starting burning though that debt the first time she let E put his hands on me and stood aside and let it happen. And any remnant of that debt ended when she and J tried to destroy my family.
She gave birth to me, this is true, but she wanted a daughter. I was a disappointment, she told me that on more than one occasion.
And as to She raised you, No she didn't E did. She was just a person in the background who watched how he raised me.
And after it all ended, after I,an 11 year old half crazed boy, stood up and ended what she,her parents and E family who knew but did nothing to stop. She did nothing to help.
After that, when I needed her the most, to help put that broken thing back together, she and my brother and sister dropped me down a hole to dig myself out.
And that was the quick change, it went from a good day to numb in a matter of a few seconds.
The thought that I wasn't raised by a loving mother, or caring siblings but non caring mother siblings who played sex games on me and a wife and child beating, child molesting piece of shit just turned all emotion off.
All that is getting though the numb is just a little sadness.
But for awhile it was a good day.