As I sit here trying to collect my thoughts, which is like trying to catch a bullet, I find myself struggling on finding the correct words. I have always been better at writing then speaking out loud so right now this is my voice. I still find myself having a difficult time accepting the fact the my brother is gone. I like to think that he is watching over me, giving me strength to carry on. For me right now I guess I have to believe that I still have a part of him with me. I still find myself being so mad at him. At one moment I cursing him and then the next being in tears begging for him to come back to me. I recently updated my status to, "Even Though Your Struggling Does Not Mean Your Failing." This is something my brother would say to me to remind me that it was going to be ok. He helped me know that to hurt is ok but you must find the strength to move on. So, that is what I intend to do not only for him but also for my daughter who needs me to be ok for her. Someone recently asked me "what made you smile today". I actually sat down and gave it some thought. With the losses of people in my life I have one constant, that is my daughter. So, after some thought I looked at them and simply said seeing my daughter smile. I have to be ok, but at the same time deal with the emotions, feel them, and let them go. So now I am slowly starting to pick up the pieces of my life, like a puzzle and try to put it together.
One of the many changes that is currently taking place is saying goodbye to Destiny, my previous therapist, and saying hello to Emily, my new therapist. It took me about a year to open up and trust Destiny. For the last couple months I have let her in and started to work on dealing with the trauma. I knew going in to see this new therapist I wasn't going to hold back, I refuse to start over. I don't have the strength or will power to start at the beginning. So, today was my first appointment with my new therapist. I had been dreading this day since last week. It was another change I didn't want or need in my life right now. I went in today knowing that I was going to be telling them what I need, what I want and need to work on. I actually surprised not only myself but my therapist as well. Instead of going in with my walls up and closed down to accepting any help, I went in with an open mind. Yes, I was on high alert and I had my walls up but not to the extreme. I was in tears before I even got to her office. I went in and sat down. She asked me if I could explain what was making me so emotional, by the way, I hate with a passion crying in front of others. I looked up and said it didn't matter whether I was comfortable or felt safe I couldn't hold it in because that gets me nowhere. I started talking and it seemed like for that whole hour session all I did was be open and honest and just kept talking. I am thinking that I must have really needed to get it out. So at the end of session she thanked me for my honesty and being willing to share and trust her enough to discuss it. I looked at her and said its not about feeling safe or trusting her. For me it was about me. I had to do what was best for me and that is what I did. I tried. So, that went well today which I am so relieved.
Now just because that happened doesn't mean to me that I actually trust her, I trusted myself, which not an easy task. But at the end of the day I can say I did what I NEEDED to do.