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Scratching at the wall



I have working on trying to remember my childhood for several months now. And  I have barely scratched the surface. 

 I can do all fairly accurate floor plan of the house we lived in on the first farm, I have a rough idea of  the layout of the buildings on the second farm and a vague idea what they look like  . All I could remember of the last farm is just a barn,the cattle pasture, and the creek running through it . 

 On the last farm I have some memories of things happening, just childhood memories nothing traumatic,  but I can't picture the room  they happen in. I have the memory of E coming into the bathroom when I was taking a bath and holding my head underwater till I quit struggling . I can't picture the room , it was a bathroom but I couldn't tell you what color it was how big it was or anything else about it . There absolutely zero emotion attached to that memory. Over time we live there I was in that bathroom hundreds of times I can't tell what  look like.

 The divorce was granted in April 1977 , I was told that we lived there for over year after E left . and that E was there for maybe eight or nine months after we moved there. This is from the phone conversation me and my brother had about a month ago . We haven't discussed it since then. 

 now assuming that we lived on the farm during the divorce and we moved out once the divorce was granted that means it happened just after I turned 13 . 

 Backtrack a couple of years so we probably moved there when I was 11-ish .

 I don't know how long we lived on the second farm,  but I remember we planted soy beans and I remember seeing them getting ready for harvest. So ,for now, I am going with 9 till 11 ish

 I was highly sexualized for someone of that age , I remember doing sex play at that age I just don't remember if there is someone else in the room . Me and my brother shared a room on the second Farm. And he told me once that he had sex with a cow , so I somehow doubt that he didn't do sexual things to me . For now I don't remember for sure but my gut tells me things happen . 

 After he moved out of the Southwest I ran into a friend of his that we both knew . And he told me  that my brother broke up with the girlfriend he had before he moved by having him and all his friends pulling train on her and then he dumped her for going along with it. 

 I don't know if this is true or not of course  because it's hearsay , but then I'm not a judge and this isn't a court of law 

 What memories I do have of the way A and his friends treated me I feel that I was probably the bottom. That would explain why he's so adamant about me not remembering . 

 I've always thought that it was the TBI that kept me from remembering my childhood . But I can remember climbing the slide that I fell off of and I can remember getting out of the hospital bed so they could change the sheets . 

 Now that I'm trying to remember I realize I have more memories closer to the TBI then further from it . 

 In my reading I've discovered that pedophiles have an age range and I'm beginning to feel that on the second and last farm , since my sister was 2 1/2 years older than me E transferred his attention from her to me . Once she began to develop  secondary sexual characteristics he was no longer interested in her and since I was the youngest I became his chew toy . And that may be why I have such few memories of the these farms.

 I've decided that I'm going to attempt to get my school records from the school district I went to when we lived on the farms . I'm hoping that that will give me some addresses and I can get a more accurate Google earth look at the farms. And maybe bring some more memories out . 

 Since I do have some bisexual urges , which I feel are related to the CSA , and me and my wife have a semi open marriage I am considering having a consensual , for once , homosexual encounter. 

 I have discussed this with my wife and she says she has no problem with this . I just need to find some body that I can trust to stop it if memory start coming up and I start freaking out . And she'll definitely need to be involved .  but I need to think on this for quite a while before I do it.

 I know several openly gay single people so it shouldn't be all that hard to set up.

 If I do that it will be on the next four day weekend I get , just so I have time to put myself back together if I wound up even more FUBAR from it because I still have to work. And I am a construction worker and we don't do feelings LOL . 

 I'm really really good at the whole emotional numbing thing .

 And yes I am still treating this as an intellectual exercise , even though it's becoming increasingly difficult to do so . 




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