In the interests of keeping up with this blog, I'm back for the second time this week. I guess we have my overly chatty brain to thank for the increased nocturnal blog activity but if no one's complaining, I'm not, either. On the sleep front, things have improved, although I might have just jinxed myself by speaking of my weekend success - it wasn't even Melatonin that caused me to crash the last couple nights - it was pure exhaustion! But I've gone to bed around 2am the last couple nights - and would awaken around - get this - 9!!! SEVEN hours of sleep! I do not remember any dreams, any jolts, any tossing and turning. I'm sure the restlessness will start up again next week, though - it always seems to find me.
So - a question to start you off with.
Have any of you ever been told you were too close to a situation to see the potential for it to become unhealthy or toxic?
This is indeed something that I've had happen throughout the last several years of my life. Others will tell me they've seen certain behaviors of someone I am/was close to - and my natural response is always to defend. I'm constantly looking for the good in people - I've seen plenty of bad and honestly, I'd like to consider that moving forward, there's more favorable qualities in others than there are undesirable ones. In reality, we all have difficult people in our lives. Family members for some, friends or co-workers for others. Sometimes this label even extends to acquaintances. Point is - we all encounter others we may perhaps identify as difficult - I'll eat my hat if you can tell me you don't know a single person who makes it HARD for you to communicate with, to have patience with, someone who plucks your every nerve, someone who is a threat to your emotional, mental, or physical (in some cases) well-being.
It's been brought to my attention that this has happened MANY times in my life. As a kid, I craved friendship - I didn't have many, because I was the 'different' one. I was quiet, I kept to myself, I was shy. I wasn't unfriendly; I just wasn't the one to initiate conversation. And, so, whenever someone else did, I trusted easily. I often overcompensated and emotionally gave more than I was receiving - and friendships quickly became one-sided. Not because of anything I did, but possibly because whatever someone needed from me - they got and had moved on. It's not a pattern I'm proud to say I have gotten sucked into, more than once.
And then, people warned me about the wasband. "He's abusive." "He's controlling you." I didn't listen. I stayed put for eight years - and for the entire time, defended him to everyone, as a faithful wife should - but deep down, knew that when any wife starts to question her own words, it becomes evident that she is simply too close, too biased. She's missing a lot. I missed a lot. I'm strong enough now to admit this, but for a long time, I was ashamed - I felt STUPID for not having seen this before. With him or with anyone else.
Have you ever gone to a movie and realized that the theater was overcrowded and you'd be doomed to sit in the front row, the only place where seats were available? This results in that larger-than-life screen and you know that you're SURELY not going to be comfortable with your head tilted back as far as possible for the next two hours or so. You're also finding that no matter how much you try to follow it all, you're still too close to see the FULL picture, even if it's right in front of your face. You're still going to miss what's happening on the other end of the screen, because all you CAN see is whatever cinematically unfolds in front of you - never mind what's happening in the background, that sleight-of-hand move by another character, facial expressions, a wink here or there. For me, I miss a lot of audio clues in movies, too, and the captions do help somewhat...but this really isn't about the movies.
Surely, someone who has gotten to know my love for the use of analogies can tell that there is one about to come.
Now, say you decide to go see the same movie again - you get to the theater early, this time, and score seats closer to the back. Now, you can see the ENTIRE screen. You have successfully distanced yourself and can now see things more clearly. Your perception is heightened. You're seeing what's in the background, you're seeing how EVERYTHING comes into play. Your eyes, along with your brain, now show you things that you might have known were there all along, but also further clarifies it all for you. Slowly, you start to realize those little things you missed the first time around. Important clues are revealed - and in some cases, there is the slow realization that maybe, just maybe, there is some truth to the original statement.
"You were too close to see what was wrong..."
What am I getting from this epiphany-slash-analogy? Well - for starters, I can choose to stay where I am in that front row and to remain oblivious to those 'extra' missed things that may or may not be important - or I can choose to back up and re-evaluate when I'm told that I'm missing things. And it isn't always something I have to be told. No. Sometimes things (on their own) just don't sound right - and I get this nagging feeling deep down inside that something's off, something's wrong.
And, who wants that? As survivors, we already have enough uncertainty in our lives - why would we possibly need or want any more!? Seriously - the simplest traits like honesty are even more vital to us, because we've had more than our fair share of our trust being broken. So, naturally, we prefer to sit with the rose-colored glasses on, even when we've the smallest inkling that it's not quite right. To have to deal with the reality that it's not copacetic, is sometimes even worse.
I'll admit that I don't ever want to have to adjust perspectives, but it's also safe to say that sometimes it's 100% necessary to do so. It's an effective means of self-protection - and I've found that lately, I've had to resort to such measures. In the past, I've ignored when something wasn't adding up - I questioned nothing, and it's gotten me burned in the end.
So - my advice to myself - since there is ALWAYS potential of getting burned again - is to make sure I listen to myself, to that little voice that tells me when I need to move away from the situation so that I can get a better look at it. I owe it to myself to do so, and to start following my instincts.
On that note, Tuesday is movie/date night - we WILL be arriving at the theater at least five to ten minutes before the previews start - when we went to see 'Venom,' we arrived just as the last preview was ending - and it was the front row for us both. NOT fun! And that was an ACTION movie - not easy when you're up close and personal. No cricky neck needed but a cricky neck we received as penalty for not arriving early.
Anyhow - I sincerely hope everyone's had a great weekend and is having a wonderful night. Mine will shortly be coming to an end and I'll be shooting for a third night of uninterrupted sleep - wish me luck.
Until next time,