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 I beginning to get a few more flashes of my childhood, I keep drawing up this picture of a barn on a Hill. I think it's from the last farm. I vaguely remember the layout of the second farm we lived on this isn't from there. Its the only mental image  I have of a building from there. I can't for the life of me picture the house, I know I had my own room, I can kinda picture the dresser that was in the room. But I really can't picture the room , It had a lot of books in it . I remember looking out the window Watching E and M unloading Christmas presents the back of his car. Her coming up telling me to go back to sleep so I wouldn't ruin the surprise . I still don't any  remember Christmases . 

I know the room That me and A shared On the second was a horrible purple pinkish color, I think it opened up into E&M Bedroom. I'm not 100% sure about that.

I remember hiding a lot, I mentioned the animal Den on the first farm.I remember finding a stripped Out Passenger car Upside down in a ditch, And I hide in it Until A and cousins found me one day.  But I don't remember hiding in it after that. I do remember a lot of  hiding, In closets, Under beds inside farm equipment and  out in the Woods.

  I remember somebody lost  the key To the diesel storage tank For the tractor.  It wasn't me because I wasn't allowed to drive the tractor I was too small. So it was either A or E ,  when A realized that we couldn't find the key  he knew that when E got home there be hell to pay. When E got home he had me tell him I lost it.  I don't remember what the punishment was but based on past incidents I can imagine it wasn't good.  I suspect there was a lot of times That A&J Would have me confess To things that I didn't do So they wouldn't be  punished.  I guess they figured since I survived the TBI I was OK with taking blows to the head.

 I mentioned when he came into the bathroom the one time and Held my head under For disrespecting him. And it kind of got  me thinking, I don't think I was upset Or embarrassed That he came in on me When I was naked.  It makes me think That being naked in front of him Wasn't all that  unusual. That could be Just from The naked line up he used to make us do when he was yelling at us.

 But I suspect there's more to it than that.

 I think M worked nights a lot, and E was a drinker, so he be all drunk and horny and we were available . 

When I cant get hold of my wife one of the pictures that flashes up in my head is finding her and my daughter raped and murdered. I always been like that, that could just be the CPTSD or it could be something Leaking past one of the locked doors in my head. E didn't murder any one but I believe he raped J. And maybe us boys as well.

 My wife has a lot more faith In my ability To do the schooling that I want to do Then I do.  I told her she could spend 250 bucks On a device For me to do online school And I'm holding a $600 piece of equipment in my hand.  She believes in me a lot more than I do.

 That's why words are randomly capitalized throughout this post, I'm teaching a new device voice to text With my accent. Voice to text does not like my accent. Lol.





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