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i want to die

CrimsonRegrets

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i cant stand the constant pain in my head anymore. i would rather be dead then feel this way. and no one understands. no one on here understands no one in my life understands. everyone keeps telling my to go and see a therapist... i cant afford one. and i've already seen several and they didn't help much. my last one just made me feel worse. everyone keeps telling me that i need medication. i've been on all of them and they all made me sick. everyone keeps telling me it'll get better but it never does. i've been suffering for eleven years and it's never gotten better its gotten worse. they keep telling me im not alone yet i have no one to talk to. they tell me to exercise. does nothing. they tell me to do yoga. nothing. going outside. nothing. i try so hard and inevitably i end up going down the same hole again. i pick myself back up and keep going on and i fall again and again. I'm tired of being given the same advice and of no one understanding. i know people are trying to help but it's frustrating. it's like im screaming into a void and no one hears me. i've tried everything and all of it has failed. i want to go to sleep and never wake up. and no one understands...



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I always hated the expression, "I know how you feel" so I won't use it. I do have similar thoughts and feelings and I'm here to respond and listen to whatever you need to pour onto the screen. I'm tearing up from just responding to you and feeling the pain that you express since it's my own. I hope you keep writing since I'm new to this blog and the experience of chatting.  

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@Survivor AmyThanks. Sorry you feel the same. I'm having a rough day today so your response makes me feel a bit better. I always feel like im the only one that feels this way so knowing that somebody else feels similar makes me feel less alone.

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I feel like this from time to time.  some times the feeling seems to last for ever.  But there are also better times.  It does help to be heard even if anonymously.  Abuse,produces an effect it is life long.  You learn to live with it.  Everyday I survive I win.  So much was taken from me.  I refuse to give up what is left of my life.  No matter how difficult it may seem at times.  It is better than being under that horrid spell of the past.  In that sense I am free.  Turning wounds into scars can be quite painful.  It may take years.  But they are my years I won’t give and decide to spend them healing and continue battling on.  You are worth it,  you are valuable.  You have every right to your own feelings. It took me ages to express I was angry.  It is a way of getting rid of the poison.

awi

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@awi I just wanted to say that I think you articulated those feelings very well. I feel like I have such a strong bond (if I'm allowed to say so) with everyone that shares the same pain even though I've never met or will ever meet just based upon these strong emotions we all carry.

It's amazing to me how strong we all have to be to the outside world but here I feel I can finally shed the burden a little at a time in hopes to heal. I too want to have the remainder of my life for me and not feel locked in this emotional prison and  not go another day feeling angry or sad. 

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Survivor Amy, thank you. So true and also may I say I don’t know you, but know that place you mention of pain and I am so proud of you.  I am now dealing with anger, also sadness.  I’m afraid of the anger as I see I was always a peace maker. Trying to be as still as possible, do the right things, to not upset the monster.  There was never anything right I could do. He was so full of rage.  I was hit by day and hurt by night.  And later it all spread to the day.  I still have difficulty sleeping.  But I have things that help.  Like leaving small lights on, having a pet and the best and nicest bed ever.  No one likes to sit on it as it is full of dog fur (haha) i don’t mind.  I love my dog and like that she keeps people away from my bed.  As a child it was the only thing that was really mine.  And I live with all the typical problems of family interactions. Mpeople in denial. The others that say get over it, etc.  It gets old.  Everyday it does get easier to talk about it and when I do it is lighter. A gentle hug if ok and the best kindest thoughts your way.  I wish you all the best life can bring from this that is your present and future no one can touch and is truly all yours to enjoy.  

A

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@awi Sorry for the response delay. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I would like to send a gentle hug back if that's acceptable. Wherever you are, whatever you face, and whatever you do I hope it's ok to remind you that you're not alone and peace will find you. Everyday you will grow stronger and I have faith in your ability to keep moving forward. 

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9 hours ago, Survivor Amy said:

@awi Sorry for the response delay. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I would like to send a gentle hug back if that's acceptable. Wherever you are, whatever you face, and whatever you do I hope it's ok to remind you that you're not alone and peace will find you. Everyday you will grow stronger and I have faith in your ability to keep moving forward. 

SA, thank you so much.  I needed to hear those words today.  Hugs accepted. 

A

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