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Gordy

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Trauma bonding

Gordy

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So I received the divorce decree , it only states in it that E was negligent in his duty to my mother . And the divorce was granted on those grounds . Said nothing about the physical psychological or sexual abuse of us children.

 I may call the County Clerk again to see if I can get the transcripts because according to A him and J were allowed to testify apparently I was considered too young . If they still exist 

 

 According to A when I found out I wasn't going to live with E I cried for a week . He said they couldn't understand why because we all wanted that son  of the bit*h dead. 

I believe I was trauma bonded to E. I don't have a date when E and M got married. And A can't remember. I know I was very young  a year maybe two. I'm going to try to get a copy of of the marriage certificate this week.

 So my entire childhood from one to two years old to 12 or so was spent with me being told that E was my daddy and I was supposed to love him. 

 He was the central figure in my childhood , what few memories I have of my childhood and what I'm slowly  recovering he is in more of them than my mother .

 You can take a dog , you can beat it , you can starve it and you can neglect it and it'll still lick your hand when you reach out to Pet it .   And that's what I was,a badly abused animal . So it's really not surprising but I would have Trauma bonded with E.

 I'm wondering if that's why don't remember the year so after he left , because of my psychological state it would've been very traumatic for me to have him leave . Even though I tried to kill him . 

 Couple that with the TBi I have ,the  psychological problems from the physical and I'm beginning to believe sexual abuse , and incest  it's no wonder I was insane for the rest of my teens . 

 And my mother , the highly skilled and highly trained medical professional , I guess decided I would just get over it . Yeah that didn't happen . 

 I was self-destructive emotionally unstable violent alcoholic . At 13 . I should've been in therapy from the time the marriage ended until I joined the military . I would respond to any stress with either violence or tears . But that would've required airing our dirty laundry in public and that something my mother was very opposed to.

  eventually I quit responding with tears and just stuck with violence and anger.

 When my mother remarried my real father , I remember relatively early in that he slapped me for something . Only time he did that . He came back in to my room a little later  he found me sitting there with a loaded rifle on my lap. No I'm not going to somebody's punching bag again.

 I don't think my mother ever told W exactly what went on so I don't think he ever really understood what was wrong with me , only something was .

 

 As for M A and J , they treated me either with either laughter or contempt. Like I mentioned earlier in this blog I believe they thought I had absolutely no future so why bother . And they blamed me for the incest even though I was the youngest . I was the pervert not E and not them . 

 So to any one was reading this, for if you can't figure out why you stayed in a abusive relationship for so long , or why you can't seem to get out of it it could be trauma bonding . It's a very real thing . 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



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I had never heard of trauma bonding before. Thanks for sharing this term. I feel I learned something important. Sorry for what happened to you. 

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