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So last night After I blogged A called. We're probably on the phone 30-40 minutes.

Most of it was him trying to talk me out of trying to remember. Him saying you know I'll help you remember cuz you know I remember all of it but I don't see why you're doing this.

Some of it was him defending E. You know he was just trying to toughen us up and you have to remember he was beat on as a kid too.

Then he said" it's not like he molested us"

And I responded with" that's b******* we've always agreed that he was having sex with J and she passed it on to us"

He glossed over that and went back to trying to talk me out of remembering.

So I explain to him why I want to do this. A while back I became an ordained minister (pagan). I want to help survivors of child abuse rape and incest. And I can't do that if when they're speaking of something that happened to them I'm emotionally flashing back to what happened to me. In order for me to do what I want to do I have to go through this.

So then he started talking about well you know we're old and probably going to die soon why bother. Well that's not the point.

Now I may never be a place mentally where I can do what I want to do. This blog is the first step of me putting myself out there to do that. I can't help people until I can trust people, and I can't trust people until I deal with what happened to me as a child.

Now he just kept saying he remembers everything. But then I talked about a couple memories I had that he doesn't remember. And since he doesn't remember it it didn't happen. I got the town of the apartments we lived in when I was 2 wrong, and his attitude was since you got that wrong everything you remember is wrong.

I think he called just to see if I remembered the "games," and now he knows I do. What few memories he wanted to talk about were just the funny ones. Me being a smart-ass to E and getting beat for it. 

And non traumatic memories. I really don't feel that I can trust much of what he tells me about the traumatic stuff. I think he's going to try to convince me that everything I remember is wrong.

He says he remembers everything, and then he says he doesn't want to remember anything. Which is fine, I can respect that decision. I understand why somebody would not want to slog through all of it again. That's his call, what he feels is best for him. But what I feel is best for me is remembering and working through the issues.

So I'm going to take everything he tells me with a grain of salt,  but the second he starts telling me that my memories of the games are wrong or my memories of me and E alone are wrong the conversations done.





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