guessangelina's Blog

I guess this is just as good a place as any to follow-up on I hate anniversaries....the closer it got to the day, the more anxious I became...and then Saturday morning I got a call from my sister telling me my step-mother has died. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I sat there and thought to myself once again "does God have a calendar? Does God know what day tomorrow is?" and then I sat there and thought and thought back when my father had died on 9/22/01...two days after his birthday and one day before the anniversary of his brother's death. I remember telling my step-mother how my dad had almost died on Uncle Leonard's anniversary of his death...she got really angry and said "he is not going to die on someone else anniversary...he is going to have his own day!" How ironic that my stepmother now had died the day before the most awful day/anniversary in my life...it actually was she- my step-mother who was only age 25 at the time who stepped up to the plate to save me from myself...I had told her of my 21 year old boyfriend and I was only 13. She immediately told my father. He got on the plane, flew from northern california to southern california...went over to the gas station where the 21 year old worked...threw him up against the wall and threatened his life that if he went near me again, my father would kill him. So, my step-mother really was there for me...but at the time- I hated her...and I did not listen to anyone...I continued to see the 21 year old until it was too late to turn back...and I have hated myself ever since...I have blamed myself ever since....I could not tell anyone what this 21 year old had done...my father would have killed him...better that I be the one with the life forever destroyed than have the blood or someone on my father's hands...now my father is dead and my step-mother is also dead...my secret is safe...accept facing the anniversary year after year after year....while still celebrating my child's birthday. Does God Have A Calendar/

And then the day came...that day...but now I was faced with another crisis...my child was trying out for something professional...cuts were to be made- and now, not only would this child be cut on the child's birthday but on THAT day, as well.! Where was God, did he not have a calendar...and if He did- did he not have it open? Did he not see what day it is again?

Omg you poor lady i really dont understand why they can do this to us, god hasnt helped me my little girl wasnt born on the anniversaryof my rape but she was born because of it,god has forgotten about me too

Bernedette, I am not sure how I would have felt in your situation...thanks for your kind remarks, however! Your daughter is a great blessing- regardless of the event leading to her birth...I hope for you that you will someday see it that way...I hope that you will see that God did not forget you...I guess for me- there was no other way that day would be less painful...still I wonder if God has a calendar...my stepmother almost died on that same day...now she is gone...all connections to that event is gone...but my memory lingers on...

Thanks for replying its nice for someone to take an interest, dont get me wrong i do love my little girl she is 10 now, and after all that time it dosent get any easier, it will always be hard i know that i just dont know why god could do this to me i have always been a good person,one thing i no is that she will never know about it ever, day to day life is hard it never leaves my mind but i am always there for her and i always will be well until i cant do it anymore

I so understand that feeling "it is always with you!" It has been with me since I was 13- wish it were my only assault...but it wasn't! I just could never understand why one of my children would be born on the anniversary,,,after all- there are 365 days in the year! I never gamble- and it looks like I threw craps! My child wasn't the "craps" part- the delivering that child on that day was! The rational part of my mind knows that this man never really got away with what he did- yet, the irrational part of my mind says he did...as did the others. I may have already shared about my friend, who was also raped, who had a daughter as a result of that rape. I met her after the daughter was about age 10. I made the comment how the daughter looked just like her then husband...she went pale, then explained about who the daughter's father really was. I think my friend was able to see her daughter as one of the greatest treasures in her life. I have been able to see at times the treasure of my child's birth on this anniversary- yet at other times I still struggle with "why"? I hope, Bernadette, in time- you will be able to separate the event from your beautiful jewel.

I guess everyone needs a safe place to go...and in some ways, this is my safe place...no, my posting today probably has nothing to do with anniversaries- but maybe indirectly, it does...one thing I am grateful for- is I do not recall when or where my special friend assaulted me..I know we broke-up shortly afterwards, I silently kept the event and label to myself...however, when he told me he was going back to his ex- I let him have it, and called him what he is a "rapist". We have since touched basis with each other (hate that word "touch" right now...seems so hideous)...as usual, I have been the one to repair the friendship...he has avoided speaking to me via telephone or seeing me...kind of wondered why, yet intuitively I knew exactly why when during one of the text- he stated "I don't want to be accused of being a rapist"..oh really, what did he want me to say "oh, you didn't rape me?"...well, technically, without the graphics- not the whole enchilada because he can't! But I did not back down, and did not restate what had happened..I cannot- and I will not! The best I could do was to say- "you are the one that says to leave the past alone and move on...so move forward". In my mind and heart, I knew this is why he avoided seeing me, or feared I was going to have him arrested- like I could! He said/she said. Yes, I bought the movie "Sleeping With the Enemy"...and I cried after watching it...well, I finally met my friend the other night for a soda..

I really hope i can seperate my being raped from the birth of my little girl,just somedays when she is angry or in a stroppy mood or when i am feeling very low i can see him in her, i truely do love her with all my heart and soul but it kills me to see him in herchange of direction here i was not in a relationship with him i was out in a disco with sum friends for my birthdayand made the mistake of going to the bathroom alone thats where it happened him and his buddy had great fun 1 attacked me while the other guarded the door,sorry i cant keep going i need to stop sorry :-( it hurts too much

Good morning, Bernadette. Please do not apologize for sharing. I just hope that I can be just as supportive to you. Just as one of my children being born on the anniversary of my rape has nothing to do with that child, the things that you think you are seeing about "him" in her is not in her! She is a little girl going through the normal developmental stages. It is difficult, I am sure, to emotionally separate the two. You did not know the father of your daughter, and have no clue what he was like before he violated you. This little girl is her own person. Yes, she has genes from both of you- but her socialization, ideals, and behavior patterns will develop from growing-up under yours and only your tutteldge (ok..the spelling is off). Each child is born pure- and so has yours. There are the Nature vs. Nurture theories- which influence us the most? Age old debate, I am sure. You are hurting, as I am still hurting...our pain has nothing to do with our children. Our pain has to do with the criminals that assaulted us. Wonder if she were the "only" child you would or could ever have? Would you then be able to look at her different with the question in mind? And by the way, I always had such a difficult time with "angry or stroppy moods" from my children. I also understand your pain about feeling you made the mistake going to the bathroom alone". Since when should a woman not feel like it would and should be safe to be able to go to the bathroom alone? I do understand your dialogue, however....I tell myself over and over "If only as a 13 year old I hadn't gone over to his place...or if only I hadn't left my lessons with this guy as a 12 year old and but had stayed with the others taking my lesson...or if only last winter I hadn't gone to that place with my special friend- none of it would have happened!" So, I have kept telling myself, as well, over and over...but I will never know if that it is true- because a perpetrator is still a perpetrator, he just would have made his assault at another time and place...and so it is with you! You cannot blame yourself. To do so is to take responsibility for the evil decisions that another has made...can we control earthquakes? No...and neither can we control the minds, hearts, or behaviors of another! Thanks Bernedette for listening to my story...

Well, I didn't know where else to journal...so this appears to be my safe place...another anniversary- that of my Baptism...many years ago...except- something always goes wrong each year when I try to celebrate one of the happiest days of my life...yes, it was a new start for me...the anniversary was on Saturday this year, the original took place on a Thanksgiving Day many years ago..but on this day- such a boring day...but I really didn't mind...then, I went to church the following morning...as I sat through the meeting, I opened my scriptures to 2 Samuel: 13: 12- and I read about Tamar getting raped! "Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel....13:13 and I, whither shall I cause my shame to go.......13:14. Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice; but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her...." I could not stay in my meetings after reading these and the following passages...funny, sometimes as a society we take the scriptures for granted and think no one has seen the pain we have- yet it was right there...right there all of the time...15. Then Amnon hated her esceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her was greater than the love wherewith he had loved her." Funny, I could almost relate to that as well...only thing is- he had never loved me...but one could say he does hate me- hate me cause I am the one that knows the truth about the assault!

i hear you, i hope you are ok,

Yes, I am o.k....I still see him off and on...now his thing is to throw in my face being called a "rapist"....and now he is angry that I have also called him a "liar"! Really? Like, he is neither? How about both? I just keep going over and over in my mind "why me, and why now?"...I so trusted him....

So, I haven't visited the site recently...I have missed being here and supporting others...the pain still is with me...yes, I am seeing the perpetrator again...isn't that the typical pattern- the abused returns to the abuser? Anyway, I am staying in safe places...New Years Eve is approaching- and he hadn't asked me out for a date for that night...so, I just flat out asked him what he was doing...he didn't give me any plans- so after himming/hawing- he asked me out...then the excuses "I can't stand or be seated in places for long periods of time...why don't we rent some movies and go to a motel just to view the movies?" WHAT? WAS HE OUT OF HIS MIND? I don't want to go to a motel with him under any conditions unless I was married to him! Oh by the way- on one of our last dates before Christmas, while sitting in his junky car (it is a van without any backseats- it was used in a school to move things around!) he opened up a little ice chest and there was a ring box in it...of course I reached down and picked it up- opened it up...and yes, there was a gorgeous ring in it! I put it on my finger- fit perfectly! He made some excuses how it did not come from an expensive place, etc, etc, etc..I wore it for days- my friends and I thought it was real...later he clarified that it was a sample from one of his customers what a real one could look like! Anyway, sorry I got sidetracked...so, along with the ring, him still wanting his ex back, then he went off to the Philippines a couple of months ago to be with young women, he announced to me he is going back to the Philippines in the spring- the date with him on New Years remains questionable....when I told him I was not going to a motel with him "to watch rented movies"- he replied that this is where he was going to be that night! Well, good for him! I am not going to a motel with any man that I am not married to- an certainly not the man that has attacked me! So, this is where I am today...

Well Valentines was one of the worst one....I was back with the offender...but not really! He sent me one of those bears you order on TV with my name engraved on it...would make one think he cares- right? wrong...he later told me "I was afraid you would commit suicide if I didn't give you something!" What? Suicide...anyway, for weeks now, this man has continued to cut me off...the last time we went out was at the restaurant when he flirted with the waitress...he has refused to see me since, stating I am too jealous, blah,blah,blah...something smelled in Denmark...he had been over in the Philippines last fall, and my friend told me that men do outrageous things with underage women...he had denied doing any thing...so, I asked him "have you gone to the dark side?", meaning gone back to the prostitutes...he replied "yes!"...well, he is such a liar...anyway...conversation by text only, I kept trying to get the truth out of him why the emotional cutoff...his excuse went from he was done with women to he is going back to the ex, to he needs time off, to he can't date two women at the same time...whatever...anyway...finally, I confronted him about the "dark side" and his attraction to 18 year olds..I told him that he needed to get counseling- that I would be willing to go with him, I would be supportive of him...that no 18 year old would want to be with an old fart, etc, etc, etc. Well, he finally exploded threatened to go to my job, picket my place if I continued to text him I told him if he contacted me one more time, I was going to call the police and file the report for him raping me last year! I printed out the conversation today where he admitted to hearing me say "no" and my trying to push him off of me...I contacted my secretary by text this morning and told her that this man made a threat towards me...security took a report from me...but I did not disclose the nature of this man's attack against me last year...it was never just about the rape...it was about all the abuse I suffered during over 9 years off and on dating this man...not knowing where he lived, never being treated like a real woman, never valued, always being compared to the exwife or teenage/young women...sick, sick, sick...but now it is finally all over...only it is not over...I am still haunted by the memories of the abuse....

I haven't been on here for quite a while...not sure if that is a good thing- if that means I am doing better or not. However, the movie- Sleeping With The Enemy comes to my mind....I bought that movie several months ago...I just wanted to see it...anyway, after all of these months, I started dating the perpetrator again...it is as if it is the only way I can go back and "undue" what happened...I wrote something powerful one day, before he contacted me again...I went back in time to the moment he contacted me years ago via telephone- journaled that event, rewrote that event! He called me up..my husband at the time answered the phone...he asked to speak to me- but this time, I was not there to take the call! The call never took place! Therefore, all the history from that point on never took place...natha- nothing! zero! No hurt! No pain! No loss! And therefore, the rape never took place either! Wow! It was great! I wrote it down someplace...I should have shared it here! So powerful! I was free...at last I was free of all the sadness, guilt and shame I have been feeling all of these months!....but one day, he text me....one day he came back....but now, I am not the same person he walked out on...I am not the same person he...well, what now? The question kept going over and over in my mind..."why"...I trusted you...and then, he told me his side of the story- "because you were there..." Yes, I went into a place I should not have gone into...but I will never ever forever make that mistake again- because "no" did not mean "no" to him...but just my being in that place cancelled the "no" and in spite that he held me down with full force against my will with me repeatedly crying out "no"- my being in that place "gave him permission"! Oh really? But that is his story and he will stick with it...So, now I know that I cannot trust him in all places in all things at all times....really!

I haven't been here for a while...but I feel this is such a safe place to deal with my own recent abuse...somehow the issues of long ago keep coming back over and over again...yes, I have started seeing my old flame, the one that abused me a year ago...somehow I have come to terms with it- have addressed it with a friend, posted it on a few sites, even discussed it with him...I should not have been where I was- that is the bottom line! I will forever take that responsibility! Some have told me that he was frustrated and...well, anyway- the reason I come here today is something else came up Friday...abuse, unfortunately- comes in alol forms throughout our life...growing up in a violent home was more than awful! Having two parents that were the worst examples when it came to fidelity, alcoholism, and violence- has followed me all of my life one way or another...the other night, while out on a date with my friend- I just stepped into the restroom for a second while he was paying the bill. When I came out- he was busy engaged in a conversation with this beautiful hostess/waitress...I got so angry! Why is it ci couldn't even be gone 5 minutes when he was so quick to go flirting with someone behind my back! We left in our separate cars and met at the theatre...I was livid! I told him exactly that- "why can't I even go into the ladies room for a few minutes without you flirting with someone!" Well, he shouted out some obscenities- threw the sodas he had in his hands across the lawn! The end of the date- we left in our own cars. The next day- while on my way to the Temple, I thought over this scenario- I was reliving the tape of my mother and my father over and over again!. One incident, my first step father caught my mother meeting my father in a restaurant together. My dad was drunk, A fight broke out...a cop came, my mother made a racist remark against the cop (she was drunk) and neither my father/step father were arrested..my mother was arrested! I was at the Hi JInks at school- my step mother showed up at my boyfriends house following the performance to tell me my mother had been arrested! Other times while growing up, my6 mother would put me in the back of the car to run around to look for my father...she would to into the bars leaving me alone in the dark in the back of the car, sometimes she would catch him with another woman, and sometimes she wouldn't. Sometimes she knew about his cheating because she found lipstick on his collar of his shirt! So, every time I saw my friend what appeared to be flirting with a young woman while we were out on a date was like reliving these tapes! Maybe unconsciously, I have felt I could handle this man's attraction to young women- but I really think I have been trying to undue the cheating my father did to my mother!

I haven't been on this site for a while...my mother just died...I have been going on and off the roller coaster again since August with the man that assaulted me almost two years ago..we had a couple of discussions about the event. We will never see it the same way...he sees the event that it is my fault, for being at the place- the behaviors were an expectation and he did not believe I meant it when I said "no". Can I really say he does not believe what he is saying? He is such a liar...the force of his arms holding me down against my will was hardly "an expectation that this would take place!" My "no" meant "no". He said "you did not scream!" Really...well, I just finished taking a course on rape/assault- and I now know that I was in the "freeze" mode! Fright, Flight or Freeze! I was in a Freeze....why am I coming to this site at this time? My mother has died...this man did not come to comfort me...not at all...why should this surprise me?

I see by my previous posting, it has been a while since I was last on here. I feel safe coming to this site- because i can post truth...anyway, since about last August, I have been dating the man who assaulted me a couple of years ago. We certainly have a different interpretation of the event. No means no. Of course, I should not have been where i was- and he interpreted the place as a "yes, you can!" I have gone over this a couple of times with my very closest of friends- some know more than the others. Yes, I should not have been where I was...but no still means no in every language there is. However, I thought i could move forward and just let it go. Let it go? It still is there somewhere in my mind and my heart....we have been dating- what I don't think I really understood was he was still dating the ex as well. Really? Only, funny- I told him the other night, he was cheating on her leading her on to believe she was the only one...she didn't want him, had been married to him- but they share 6 children. So on and off for 10 years I have dealt with alot of this dysfunctional relationship. I learned from the assault- just do not go anywhere that the opportunity may be misinterpreted by him again... a few months ago, he disclosed 'he is done with the ex once and for all- even wrote a letter to her saying it is finished!" Then while out of a date with me, I was waiting for him to pull his car up in front of the restaurant...we were going to go get an ice cream. He pulled up alright- in a Jeep that I had never seen before...I got in the jeep- had him pull to the side of the road. I asked him when he got this jeep...he admitted he still had his shitty car (my description of the crappy car he drove around in, a Ford van that had no back seats in it...had been used in a school before he bought he to transport supplies. I hated that car...I visualized him making out with call girls in the back of the car when I first saw it!)...anyway, he admitted to buying this jeep a while back, never showing it to me. This jeep was bought to impress the ex-wife who he was pursuing...I said cusswords that were never invented! i was furious at his deciet....he had been changing his apparel to impress the ex, bought this car to impress her- but these efforts all had failed. So, here we sat in this jeep he bought to impress her. Well, somehow we got through this crisis...he lead me to believe he was interested now only in me...that he wants to marry me in the fall. Really? Only there is something missing- like I LOVE YOU! No, only said those words back in about 2011, at that time we were possibly getting married. I told him I would not marry him because he had not said those words. Well, he said them a few times- and walla, out the door he went again...sailing into the sunset. After the incident of daterape two years ago- we split up again. I never saw him, spoke to him, etc. There were a couple of times I thought about going to the authorities to press charges....oh we did speak one other time- he called me a stalker- and I called him a rapist! So, our contacts ended. Then, last August, the air finally got cleared and we started seeing each other again. The only thing I really knew was he still wanted the ex back! So, Saturdays were hers and I dated him on Friday, Sunday and one day in the week. Recently, he stated he was done with her...wanted to buy a house with me, marry me. ugh where is the kissing, holding hands, etc. and where are the I LOve You's? No where to be seen. This once wild man was now contented with just a simple kiss goodnight. And the I love you? He kept saying he wasn't ready...push, push, and push! Finally, the other night- while he remained aloof- he looked into my eyes and said "I love you!" I picked up my purse, opened he door to his car- and walked away. My thought was - "so, this is what it looks like to have him say "I love you!" I have been literally waiting for over 10 years, not counting the few times years ago he said it a few times. I had even found a card from him where he had written those words- showed it to him while out on a date recently. So, I am so sad....I am not loved...why did I have to beg so hard to be told that? Why was I always the "stand in" girlfriend...the 2nd best? I was not and do not feel that I am the One. I feel like I am left overs.

Well, I'm back here again..I don't have any place to go...I have been on EMK previously, but since I'm not in the dating world, I dropped out.My best friend won't answer my calls, my mother died in January. ..I have no one to talk to, no place to go. Actually, my special friend and I were sort of moving forward. ..but with him, he dumps me in a heartbeat...this time we are suppose to be working towards marriage, he wants to move to the middle of nowhere...I do not! Then after all of these years, I finally got him to say those 3 words...i.e."I love you"...oh my gosh...after he finally said them, I got out of his car and walked away! So, this was what it was suppose to look like all of these years...any other woman would have walked away

for good...the rape, by him, that according to him was not a rape, he has shown no remorse...I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, i deserved it, according to him!...anyway, last week he threw me out of his apartment (I used his bathroom real quick when we stopped by his place to change cars...im not allowed in his place for whatever excuse he makes at the time."...anyway, two days after the "I love you", he started ruminating over the ex, saying he had spoken to her on the phone a couple of times and "she sounded so nice!"Really, shouldn't we all sound nice on the phon?(...so, the marriage plans are on the backburner....now the latest nightmare. ..he has been having g.i. complaints, I asked him if his doctor gave him medication for it...he said he hadn't gotten it yet, I replied it can't help unless he is taking it....he immediately told me to butte out of his bueiness, so to speak, ugh to "mind my own business?".)really?, I told him to take a flying hike...now he isn't talking to me...refuses my texts....I'm so sad! He has done this to me over and over and over! He would never have treated the ex like thus...why does he treat me like this?