The more I dig the more I remember . I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing .

 On the last farm we lived on I remember one time he came home late from work and we'd already started eating dinner . He  went into one of his rages , he forced us to eat everything on the table . He made us eat ourselves sick because we dare not wait for him .

 I remember M had a calendar on the wall where she would mark off the number of days that he didn't speak to us.

  I remember M having to work nights at that time , and I remember him play wrestling with us with us just  in our  underwear .

 I remember my sister being in a training bra . I believe the "games" were still going on , I have this brief flash of my sister standing there starting to grow pubic hair. Not 100% sure if this is from this timeframe or earlier . 

 I finally had my own bedroom , it was at the top of the stairs .  there was a six drawer dresser in my room . And we had it set up so that I could push it out and block the stairs .  I was told by M A and J that it was my job, when he went into one of his rages, to defend the top of the stairs .  so that they could escape  though my sister's bedroom window . 

 I had a bunch of Improvise weapons hidden in my room .  E had his own lab so I had access to test tube. I had test tube caps with sewing needles jammed in them. And vinegar and baking soda to mix inside them to use as a propellant .  I had heavy objects to throw and if I remember correctly a baseball bat .

  I was the youngest I was the smallest and I was designated Horatio at the bridge .

  I remember a Christmas there , just before the end , where they got me a tent . M took me aside and told me to pick spot out on the farm some where and set it up so everyone had a place to hide .  that of course was working on the basic assumption that I was able to escape as well.

 I remember finding the spot , it was in this little hollow just inside the tree line on the hills behind the house . I was into reading sword and sorcery military history and science fiction books at the time , still am actually . So it had , what 12-year-old boy would think was a good field of fire . I had a bow and arrow set hidden up there as well , just with target points . And a few knives.

 I remember we started stealing money from , slipping a few bucks out of his wallet when he wasn't looking . And he found out . The decision was made that I would take the fall for that , as usual . 

 When he was screaming at me about it he told me to go get him a beer , and as I walked away he said I can't even trust you to flush an outhouse . And I responded with you don't flush an outhouse . That didn't go well . 

 Later that evening I was taking a bath and he walked in drunk and started screaming at me about disrespecting him . He asked me if I had anything to say to him about that and I responded with a smart ass comment . He shove my head underwater until I quit struggling but stopped short of drowning me.

 The next memory I have of there is of him coming home and going into a rage. My brother ran out of the house and I went with him . We were hiding outside and we could hear him screaming at J . A said something along the lines of "I have never seen him this bad he's going to kill somebody, somebody needs to go get his guns ".

 Well since I was taught I was expendable I agreed and went inside . I remember sneaking into their room and getting his pistols . As I was sneaking out I realize that by having these weapons the balance of power is shifted into my favor .  I remember turning to going to the kitchen , I do not remember what I saw when I walked in there . But whatever it was I wanted to kill him. The only thing I can remember is  sight picture his chest . J said that she had it all under control and got between me and him I turned and ran out . Nothing but blank after that.

 My mother told me years later that it terrified him . Well if you're going to sexually and physically abused children my advice is don't teach them how to shoot . Just seems like common sense really . 

 The marriage was over within days . I remember him coming back to get his stuff , I was told to go to my room and not come out until he left . I remember watching him loading his stuff into a muscle car with one of those late 70s white guy Afros . 

 I remember everybody was so angry with me , M A J and M's parents .  Who going to take care of us now? Everyone was upset about about them having to get divorced . M's parents approved of E because he made a lot of money . They kind of ignored everything else .

 Just got to give you an idea how how M's parents were . We made my grandmother angry once , not sure for what , she lined the three of us up ,loaded my grandfather's World War II issue bolt action rifle and pointed at us and told us that if we misbehaved again she'd shoot one of us . So not a lot of help from that end.

 I remember coming down sometime after E left , it was in the evening so as we always did I was just running around in my underwear .  my grandfather started screaming at me , I'm not sure if it was about E or about just being in my underwear . I ran back upstairs 

 The next I remember is living  in town . I don't remember the move , there are months missing .

 As I was typing this I realize that even with the fake names and not mentioning towns or states that if my brother, sister or mother stumble across this they will know who I am . Well if you guys do , fill in the gaps . Stop blaming it all on me and tell me what the fuck happened .

 I don't blame you for it , I forgiven you for it years ago, just tell me.