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FadedButNotForgot

Entry posted by FadedButNotForgot ·

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Even now I don't really want to admit it. Even with the people, I have told, those who know from the silent watching, I am not quite sure how to talk about it. Its a place that I don't allow my mind to go to, but at the end of the night, I always am sent right back to. So this is it, this is my breaking point of silent pleas for someone to listen. The relationship that I am talking about ended three years ago when I was a freshman in high school. 

He went to another school and in that way, there was comfort in people not knowing him. Not judging him based off me. The pressure just seemed lessened. He was a senior and everyone that knew both of us seemed to intrinsically like him. So when he walked over to me I felt like for once in my life I had won something. Somehow this was my shining moment to have something that mattered to other people. The first four months were great, he waited to have my first kiss on a bus back from a volunteer event. He was charming and brought me flowers, I was floating in a dream. But there is this one moment I come back to because in my mind it is the definitive moment everything changed. 

Laying in my bed, he stuck his hand in my underwear. I moved his hand away, "No." I remember how hot my face felt. "No one wants to do anything the first time... you just have to let me." And I did. Then when he pulled my hand on his di*k, even though I said I didn't want to I did. Then he forced his di*k in my face and I felt suffocated by the intimacy, I opened my mouth and he forced my head down. Then when I was going on a school trip and he told me he needed to fuck me before someone else did, I pushed him off me until he flipped me around "The little games you play", I did. If I would have said no to those fingers in my underwear, I feel like this would have never happened. If I wouldn't have caved so easily he wouldn't have felt this was alright. SO when it continued for two years, it was because of this one little moment that I could have so easily ended. 

Now I am stuck here three years later, broken up with my only relationship to occur outside of that hideous one. All I can remember is every time he kissed me or we had sex, I was drawn into that moment. Every time I close my eyes I think of his arms around me when I would rather have anyone else. It scares me. If he comes back, will i be able to say no? Do I want to? Maybe I deserve it, maybe this is just the fate I deserve. I have barely lived and I am already so haunted by my past I cannot feel like there is any future in love. I do not want to be alone. I am so god damn tired of being alone. I have reached out to so many people to be met with "I am sorry, that really sucks." It doesn't suck, it hurts like hell, it has been eating me up for three years and no one cares enough to sit down with me and talk. I have nightmares about him. 

Just tell me one thing... It has been three years... Does it ever go away? Do you ever love again? Do you ever feel loved again? Or is this the rest of my life? Cause I don't know anymore. I am tired of feeling so unloved and telling people and no one caring.  I am tired of wondering if someday I will meet the right guy that will make the band things disappear. If anyone can really listen and care without treating me like I am this foreign thing that no one knows how to touch. 

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tamkins1403

It's very difficult to find some one to listen ,to not judge, to understand .if I am reading this correctly you are in high school ? I would think that makes it even harder as most high schoolers are trying to navigate their own lives..as a survivor I will say time does not heal your wounds- talking with the RIGHT people , forgiveness,strength and hard work do . I have told very few people ,because people  dont (necessary ) know to handle or what to say , which in turn make you feel more alone...people here seem to listen ..I would recommend trying to find a therapist ,a counselor . You dont have to walk in and tell her immediately . Build a rapore , then at your comfort level begin to share ......or you can talk to me :) here ..I will always listen ..

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Bloom2B

Beautiful to offer to listen! Sometimes that is all we need at the moment to get through a tough time. And there will be many tough times. Do not be afraid to tell others what you need. I have a friend at work I told that sometimes I just need a distraction. So when I go to his office, he just comes up with some of the most off the wall stuff. He told me one day that I reminded him of the robot from Lost In Space. He was right. I felt silly. But that was the distraction I needed to go back to work.

You are young. I believe you will find love. No rush. Embrace your healing. Love yourself first. Believe you are worthy. The healing path is a journey of hard work. You are not alone on your journey. I Believe you are in the right place for support. I stand with you. And I am here to listen, too.

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